The movie scene where discarded clothes lead to lovers in bed, except it’s my clothes leading to my wife picking them up and cursing me.

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Well Bob, I love to travel, and being my own boss is great. But I suppose my favorite thing about being a serial killer is murdering people.


Coronavirus is a middle school friend who’s mad at you for some reason but won’t tell you why “because you should know why” & you’re ignoring it & trying to act cool but everyone can see you’re slope shouldered/sad & this metaphor has gotten away from me LARA TELL ME WHAT I DID.


No matter how bad your day is going, just remember that somewhere in the world someone just got a pubic hair in their coffee.


My boss: “Sean, what do you know about Twitter?” Me: “nothing. Why? What have you heard?”


*Me tucking my 5yo into bed*

5yo: I wanna sleep in your bed tonight

Me: Me and mommy need you to stay in your bed sweetheart

5yo: But I’m scared of the dark

Me: Is the dark scarier than mommy with no sleep?

5yo: *goes straight to sleep*


Confuse the cable guy when he finally shows up at your house by telling him he’ll have to wait outside until your favorite TV show is over.


If you’re happy and you know it… wash your hands.


People that say, “If you already have a couple of kids, what’s a couple more?” have obviously never had four kids.


There is a special place for people who leave long voicemails,

but until the ground thaws, they stay in the freezer.