@KentWGraham

The movie scene where discarded clothes lead to lovers in bed, except it’s my clothes leading to my wife picking them up and cursing me.

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@Cpin42

Well Bob, I love to travel, and being my own boss is great. But I suppose my favorite thing about being a serial killer is murdering people.

@mjmimages

Coronavirus is a middle school friend who’s mad at you for some reason but won’t tell you why “because you should know why” & you’re ignoring it & trying to act cool but everyone can see you’re slope shouldered/sad & this metaphor has gotten away from me LARA TELL ME WHAT I DID.

@iGreenMonk

No matter how bad your day is going, just remember that somewhere in the world someone just got a pubic hair in their coffee.

@seanmoriartyMV

My boss: “Sean, what do you know about Twitter?” Me: “nothing. Why? What have you heard?”

@Shaundsmith80

*Me tucking my 5yo into bed*

5yo: I wanna sleep in your bed tonight

Me: Me and mommy need you to stay in your bed sweetheart

5yo: But I’m scared of the dark

Me: Is the dark scarier than mommy with no sleep?

5yo: *goes straight to sleep*

@GoldenSpirals

Confuse the cable guy when he finally shows up at your house by telling him he’ll have to wait outside until your favorite TV show is over.

@DanRather

If you’re happy and you know it… wash your hands.

@3sunzzz

People that say, “If you already have a couple of kids, what’s a couple more?” have obviously never had four kids.

@goolicker

There is a special place for people who leave long voicemails,

but until the ground thaws, they stay in the freezer.