The movie scene where discarded clothes lead to lovers in bed, except it’s my clothes leading to my wife picking them up and cursing me.
You Might Also Like
I question Chrysler’s dedication to the safety of it’s customers with names like Dodge and Ram.
If Pepsi was smart… They would make a Coke flavor Pepsi!!!
You’ve said it before and I’ll say it again
-Plagiarists
Cryptocurrency sounds like an entrance fee to a mausoleum.
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Oh Lord Hashtag Lol
My Twitter account would benefit from a breathalyzer-activated password.
Hey, guy playing video games and ignoring your hot girlfriend…Are you gonna eat that?
“UGH. You know how fast the grass grows in the Spring,” she mowned.
dogs after you inspect what they have and decide to let them keep it:
As kids we used to chant “my mother and your mother were hanging up clothes, my mother punched your mother right in the nose” and apparently just accepted that moms were prone to sudden, random violence
I tried meowing back to the cat to show him I was making an effort, but he just switched to English.
I wore a leather jacket into a vegan restaurant and now I’m hiding in the bathroom.
Me: you want french toast for breakfast?
Toddler: yes.
Me: manners?
Toddler: no thank you.
JESUS: And lo, I have fed 5000 of you with 5 fishes and 2 loaves
“AMAZING!”
“A MIRACLE!”
ME: *slowly raises hand* So do we get dessert or
*in court for murder*
I’m appreciate your feedback on not killing people. I’m listening, learning and growing.
I have seagull managers. They swoop in, screech like hell, shit all over everything, then fly away.
[Deleting all work emails]
THESE DON’T BRING ME JOY!
Remember when double entry was an accounting term?
Me: It’s time to lose my quarantine 15.
Girl Scouts: Hold my cookies.
“I ran a half marathon” sounds so much better than “I quit halfway through a marathon”.
5: are there people coming tomorrow?
me: no why?
5: well you guys cleaned the house
April is alcohol awareness month…..I think we’re all aware.
Cheers!
men don’t eject their eyes from their sockets and yell awooga anymore
Guy next to me is doing a crossword puzzle, so I’m about to start dropping some big words in case he wants to ask me for help
If you took a billionaire’s money away, they would just earn it back again. Cream rises to the top.
I’m so confident about this, I think we should prove it by taking all the billionaires’ money away.
Get married and have kids so you can spend the rest of your life going “Who ate all the ________?”
I dreamt I was drowning in the ocean, and woke up spitting on my pillow.
So yeah, you can say I get pretty wet n wild in bed.
[writing in my journal about the girl I like]
Her hair was soft like really soft hair, her lips surrounded her mouth all the time.
[first day as a getaway driver]
ME: how did I do
BANK ROBBER: you didn’t need to keep honking I knew you were out there
Please stop throwing my only possession.
~dogs everywhere