Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The whitest shit about Greek mythology is that when they hear sirens they get closer

My kids both made it into college despite the fact I helped them with their math homework.

Me: Still thinks I’m young and hip

Also me: Drives 30 miles in the wrong direction with my turn signal on the entire time

You’d think since I
– ordered the pizza
– went to get it
– waited for it
– brought it home
– let my kids split the last piece
– let my kids have all the dessert

They would throw the box away while I walked the dog.

You’d think wrong.

a dog shows up to play basketball. but the rulebook never says dogs can’t play. i get it. thats a normal thing to not see coming. but then that same dog plays football, soccer, baseball. time to codify the good faith bipeds only policy, right?

no! they let his kids be ASTRONAUTS

Me [giving spelling test]: infinite…Infinite… I have an “infinite” amount of peanut butter in my pantry.

Student: that’s impossible

Me: I assure you, it’s not

Oh boy, $150,000!

Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.

i think both sides are to blame here

Have a baby hold your cigarette for a minute

and everybody loses their shit!

I honestly have allergies and dry skin this time of year, but it never looks good for a dude to have tissues & lotion on his desk.

I wore a baggy sweatshirt and leggings to Walmart and before I knew it, I was being wrapped in a blue vest while employees chanted, “One of us! One of us!”

[emptying dishwasher]

HOW IN THE HELL DO I FIT ALL THESE COFFEE CUPS IN THE CABINET

[tour of zoo]
kid: “i think its a elephant”
me: “are you giving the tour”
kid:
me: “anyway as i was saying this is the big snake face thing”

A group of owls is called a flight of stares.

Capitalism is making me sad so I’m going to buy myself a little something.

One way to find out if you’re old is to fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you’re young, if they panic, you’re old.

Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?

Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]

Turn that Robert Frowney Jr upside Downey Jr.

Me at my 225th rodeo:

“What the hell is going on?”

*meeting a medium for the first time*

Medium: There’s a maternal figure coming through. She loves you very much.

Me: Are there dinosaurs in Heaven?

Demonstrated a somersault for my kid and almost died.

GPS: You’re not really lost, you just want someone to talk to.

My 9yo son as I dropped him off at school, “time to make some money!” Apparently he’s selling his Halloween candy to the kids who aren’t allowed to have candy at home.

Using “Hello” as a greeting

– boring
– uninspired
– predictable

Using “Hiya” as a greeting

– casually playful
– conveys enthusiasm
– leaves door open for karate

Do I have any plans? What do I look like, a goddamn architect?

Friend: What do your kids like to eat?

Me: Anything that is on my plate, even though it’s also on theirs.

Instagram better not use my cloud pics. THEY’RE MY CLOUDS GET YOUR OWN CLOUDS ZUCKERBERG!

*rolls up on dance battle*

Sick moves bruh. You know who else had sick moves? Our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ

*hands out pamphlets*