The movie Speed, except this bus driver apparently thinks we’ll blow up if he goes over 15 mph.
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I shouted “the blue Subaru with an Obama sticker left its lights on!” at Mt. Bachelor and had the *entire* hill to myself for an hour
Him: Sometimes I worry about you.
Me: Yeah, I worry about me, too.
‘Us Weekly’ Wins Pulitzer For Outstanding Achievement In Photoshopping A Rip Between Divorced Celebrity Couple
Some people weigh themselves naked so they get the number as small as possible, but if you weigh yourself with clothes on you can blame like 20lbs on your socks
OK. So you’re REALLY good at interfering.
What do you want, a meddle?
Instead of saying “I lost 35 pounds”,
say, “I lost half a super-model”
Axl Rose: welcome to the jungle
The jungle: please stop bringing people here
5 is threatening Siri that he’s gonna turn off the iPad bc she’s not doing what he wants
If I see a parked car with one of those stick figure family things, I always add a sticker of myself to it and then just wait in the car.
Me: Look, you delivered this brand new yet ever since it doesn’t stop making weird noises! I believe I’m owed a replacement under warranty?
The midwife: 😐
I think it’s obvious that all across America trees are scooping up cats so that they can meet good looking firefighters
Midwife [handing my baby]: make sure you support his head
Me: that’s a really great, floppy little head you’ve got there. Well done
You don’t have to do it my way, you could do it wrong also.
The perfect #Easter meme doesn’t exi…..
My life hack? If you buy a Rubik’s cube and never touch it they’ll never know you can’t solve it.
The 6yo neighbor kid looked inside and said, “whoa your house is way different than mine” and I’m going to need him to come back and elaborate
Gonna start passive aggressively sending herbal teas. Oh yes, I thought you’d enjoy it it’s for brain fog.
The fireworks have been over for hours but Rex is still barking, which is weird because he’s 12 years old and not a dog. Weird little kid.
I’m the type of guy you could spend the rest of your life with, if you never take your meds again.
ROOF GUY: That’ll be $15,000
ME: I thought you said it was on the house
Newlywed advice: Grab the covers on the first night and tuck them under your side like you’re staking down a tent
Billion dollar idea.
A smoke detector that shuts off when you yell “I’m just cooking!”
I don’t think I could pass a polygraph, even the simple questions because I overthink. They would ask is Amanda is my name and I’d be conflicted because I know my birthname before I was adopted or they would ask if I had ever did acid & I haven’t but I use hyaluronic in skincare.
Seduce Angela Merkel by fondling the hem of her cardigan while whispering “Aren’t you too pretty to be a Chancellor?”
My daughter found my twitter. I have just one thing to say – clean your room.
When you think your man is being romantic but really he just doesn’t have electricity.
sumtimes i go 2 hard tho
*wakes up to wife and son screaming*
me: What are you guys yelling about?
them: YOU’RE DRIVING
These fireworks are awesome! High four!
Sure, there’s no “I” in “team”…
But there’s, like, three in “idiot.”