The movie theatre: No outside food or candy allowed
Me:
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911: what’s your emerg-
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
911: …why would you interrupt me like that?
him: send me a video showing me what you want me to do to you
me:
That’s weird, my waitress stopped flirting after I paid the bill…
Too easy.
eye doctor: please read the top line
me: have you recently been injured in the workplace? do you lack legal represen— is this an ad
eye doctor: look, i need to make money somehow; keep reading
scrooge: who are you
ghost: i’m the ghost of christmas present
scrooge: so santa claus
ghost: NOT THAT KIND OF PRESENT
I love salt. What does it even feel like to have too much sodium??
*eats one Slim Jim*
Oh.
@brookeG105 @SwedishCanary @funTweeters @Mad_Humor
Threw some hot dogs and a velociraptor egg into my shake this morning, I’m ready to take on the world.
My efforts to lose weight are starting to pay off. I gained only three pounds this month.
Her: I like guys that are confident
Me *looking her square in the eye* worcestershire
Wife: can you pick up milk?
Me: [lifts gallon] yea it’s easy
Wife: I mean from the store
Me: I would imagine it weighs the same there too
HR: Can you explain this??
Me: I thought it was CORNhub, with recipes on how to make delicious corn and corn related dishes
4 out of 5 dead husbands agree that last casserole tasted really strange.
10 y/o daughter, pointing to the moles on her arm: “I kind of have a lot, oh wait, this one is just chocolate.”
So, can we agree on 4 or
Jesus turned water into wine.
I turn food into fertilizer.
We are not the same.
Got lectured today from my doctor about my glucose level. I knew I should’ve studied more for that blood test.
My daughter’s Starbucks addiction has become so severe that she’s routinely calling me by the wrong name now
Just did a seductive hair flip and an onion ring flew out.
All I want for Christmas is my gross pay
The toughest part of any long distance relationship is the 6 hour drive to slash their tires.
Some of you ladies must go through an astonishing amount of laundry considering how wet you always are
Preacher: God’s love is unconditional!
Me: Then why is there a hell?
Preacher:……
Me: Your move.
I accidentally ate the sticker on an apple. The scan code is inside me and there’s now a beep every time I check out at the grocery store.
Bringing a carrot-and-raisin salad to a potluck is a subtle way to let people know you hate them.
The audacity of my parents’ oldies station now playing 80s music.
EVERYBODY WHO MAKES ACTION MOVIES: We should have all the actors talk really quietly so people turn the volume way up right before an explosion.
Someone stole my identity yesterday and opened a bunch of accounts in my name, including a sports betting account where he won like hundreds of dollars. today I closed the account and collected all of that money. Getting your identity stolen rules!!!