The movie theatre: No outside food or candy allowed
Me:
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If I ever meet Morgan Freeman:
Wanna just come back to my place and sit at the end of my bed and tell me a bedtime story?
Please. nobody has to know.
Whoever put the ‘b’ in subtle was a clever bastard.
Relationship or hallucination? Either way, I’m seeing somebody.
damn girl are you calculus because I have no idea what youre talking about
My velour track pants say ‘antidisestablishmentarianism’ on one cheek and ‘juicy’ on the other
9yo: What age do kids go to normal jail?
Me: I’m not sure, I guess 18?
9yo: PHEW.
Me:
i’m not dating for marriage i’m dating to split streaming and nytimes subscriptions
I would definitely deny being from here if the aliens pulled up and asked. Not claiming this embarrassing planet in front of intergalactic travellers, are you dumb?
Sex so kinky your foam mattress has to repress the memory.
I ordered botox instead of a bowflex and you can’t tell but I’m mad
No, autocorrect, switching “generics” to “gerbils” in the message I sent to my doctor without proofreading first was actually extremely helpful, thank you for that.
Why don’t we raise more chickens that lay Cadbury Creme Eggs so we can have them year-round?
Last night my dog got busted taking a cat poo out of the litter tray and relocating it to the living room carpet and let me just say a LOT of things are now making sense. Got to commend the lad on his long game here.
George W Bush kept us safe just like how abstinence education kept Bristol Palin unpregnant.
The claw machine proves that it only costs $1 to get mad
if you think you’re having a bad day, i just saw a guy wearing the lower half of a big bird suit walking down the side of the freeway with a gas can.
There is so much beef on Twitter it’s impossible to stay vegan
It’s that magical time of year for parents.
School picture day is coming up.
The day schools will pressure you to prepay for pictures that your kid will absolutely have their eyes closed in.
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
People tend to overreact when they look in their rear view mirror & see you sitting in their backseat dressed like a clown.
A local man died after a shelf full of routers fell on him.
It was an unexpected LAN slide.
My favourite drivers are the designated ones.
All 3 kids need braces so I explained to them that they will have beautiful teeth but no further education.
My parents haven’t called with a computer problem in 48 hours. I’m sending my brother over there to check on them.
Women are scary.
Take me, for example…I said goodnight to a guy, weeks ago, and he’s so afraid to say the wrong thing, he STILL hasn’t replied.
“have you heard about the Nu covid variant”
“no, what’s it called?”
“the Nu variant”
“yeah what’s it called”
“no, it’s literally spelled N U, Nu”
“haha wow, who named it that?”
“yes”
If I arrive at your party and you ask me to help cut up the pineapple, I’m mad at you.
“I’m not racist but…” – Britain
Mall security asked me to empty my pockets.
My response was “you won’t find a better job or respect in my pockets”