Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

man: hello I want a drugs

dealer: are you the cops?

man: [puts on sunglassss] I am not cop

dealer: are you sure!

man: [puts on more sunglasses] I am not cop

dealer: here are four drugs

man: [puts on cop sunglasses] I am cop

It’s so condescending when self-defense instructors tell you to never go to a second location with your kidnapper, like, sir, do you even understand how a kidnapping works? I’m not trying to go ANYWHERE

*brings knife to gunfight*

*knife used to cut pizza*

*pizza served & differences resolved*

*last slice up for grabs & gunfight ensues*

Taking a little nap while I wait for the driver in front of me to realize the light has turned green

If you enjoy “naked and afraid”, check the the streaming of my new hit show: barefoot and mildly annoyed

My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.

*knocks on morning wood*

I hope my boss asks me to draw a bunch of cats wearing top hats today cause then I’ll already be done my work and I can leave early

Welcome to Twitter.

Here are your stones. Your glass house will be assigned to you momentarily.

[hospital burn unit]

doctor: your father will die soon unless one of you can be a tissue donor

me: *pulling used kleenex from my pockets* how many

Batman: [sees signal] what’s the emergency

Commissioner Gordon: why weren’t you at my birthday party

I “accidentally” washed my cellphone once, and my wife has never let me do laundry again…. Yeah Accident

Human are so complicated

This coffee isn’t working… think I need holy water

My friends are like “hey come camping with us this weekend” & I’m like “I can’t, I have to get new friends”

#ICertainlyCouldntLiveWithout apparently an uneven fight…🤷‍♀️

When I die, please bury me wrapped in a sheet. That way I won’t have to look for one when I become a ghost

all of the other names pharrell tried to become known by are so bad it’s almost impressive

Which is faster, hot or cold?
Hot, because you can catch a cold.

When my in-laws kindly told me to treat them as if they were my own family I graciously obliged.

I don’t speak to my own family either.

My left earbud kept shocking me during my last zoom meeting. Can wifi be haunted

Future historians will be asked which quarter of 2020 they specialize in.

Buy a man a tee and he’ll golf for a day. Buy a manatee and you’ll have trouble housing your new pet

The 4 Major Types of Twitter DMs:

Sup

Hello dear

Thanks for the follow!

Would you rather die at the hands of a koala or kangaroo?

Eating food off the floor, taking pills, trying to chase away ghosts? I grew up to be Pac-Man

Oh your baby’s name is Walter?

Is he close to retirement?

Guy threw a banana peel out the window into my lane 2day. Yrs of practice paid off and I arrived to work safely. Thank you Mario Kart.

i dont really try to ‘make’ ‘friends’ on twitter im more like a wild deer and if you interact with me enough i may become accustomed to your scent enough to eat a carrot out of your hand

I spend a lot of time looking at new recipes for someone who regularly burns instant noodles

I bet Jesus got tired of hearing, “This gift is for Christmas AND your birthday.”

Don’t you hate when you take a power nap and wake up 22 hours later and everybody at work is staring at you?