The movie “Up” could never have been filmed today…
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“Church is like prison for me: they can’t keep me out.”
– Midnight, a church friend
People are like, “How cute! Your dog looks just like you!” I’m like, “That’s my son.”
Ran into an ex-girlfriend. We talked, exchanged info, and she said her “insurance would call” me. Someones still carrying a torch!
So apparently in Las Vegas if you leave the “do not disturb” sign on your hotel door for more than 72 hours they automatically send over a police officer to make sure you’re still alive. Steve was very nice.
My dentist told me to relax, then got all judgey about me uncorking my wine in his office. He needs to make up his mind.
Me: Like that time in Harry Potter Revenge of the Fallen when the wizard becomes a Camaro
Pal: I think you mean…
Me: Dumblebee, yes, I know what I mean. So, anyway…
Do you realize that if real women had the same proportions as Barbie they’d be only 11.5 inches tall?
my pug got a pup cup today from the starbucks drive thru while safely strapped into his car seat just like his wolf ancestors
Watching Unsolved Mysteries and getting mad when they don’t solve the mystery at the end
I’m a simple woman. I don’t need fancy things like jewelry or sanity to be happy.
I’ll never tell you, “I told you so.” But I will tell everybody you know that I did.
Why yes internet stranger, I have tweets that contradict each other. It’s a timeline, not a deposition
(telling a ghost story)
You know those knocking noises you hear at night? That’s adulthood coming for you!*all the adults start screaming*
best thing about tennis is the way the lifeguard shouts the score
Girl, yo grammatical atrocities so huge, you need typosuction.
Happy mothers day to all the moms out there.
COP: Are you armed?
ME: *extremely good at talking myself into a beating* I’m armed and legged.
Date: I usually go for the most annoying people possible
Me: actually I just listened to a podcast about that..
Date: *starts playing with hair* oh really
Priest: Body of Christ..
Gordon Ramsay: Dry.
I always leave my vehicles gas on empty because I want thiefs to be as pissed off as my wife
Husband: my back hurts
Me, cracking my neck and knuckles while speaking in a fake Russian accent: I massage you???
First date idea: we list fictional characters that we would both punch in the face
Cake is healthy because it’s baked and not fried
Instagram now has video! I’m going to film the hell out of this salad!
I got the Pfizer vaccine and pso pfar pno pside effects.
My spouse must be the most patient person in the world because he waits for me to come home from my 12-hour workday and cook and serve dinner every single day and only complains most days
Him: I’m attracted to bad girls
Me: *changes lanes without signaling*
Yes, autocorrect, I wanted to ask if she was all tight. Thank you. Now I know.
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to everyone chanting “SHIT PANTS”]
Me: It was just time for a change.