The movie “Up” could never have been filmed today…
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I got paprika once in 2002 to make deviled eggs and apparently I bought a lifetime supply.
I’ve grown more powerful but in a completely useless way.
Friend: you’re so lucky you don’t have a job
Me, a stay-at-home mom, now with one less friend: so lucky
cat: *slowly approaches new vase*
me: you don’t wanna do that
vase: *pushes cat off the table*
me: i warned you
We’ve been sending transmissions into space for 100 years, so of course aliens avoid us. Earth is the douchebag at the beach blasting music on their bluetooth radio.
i’m still crying at this
Amazon Review Guide
⭐☆☆☆☆ – I’m angry and taking my slight inconvenience out on you
⭐⭐☆☆☆ – Your product is crap
⭐⭐⭐☆☆ – Average
⭐⭐⭐⭐☆ – Great product!
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐ – Average but I feel bad leaving a lower rating
[interview]
“How would you describe your people skills?”
ME: I tend to drive others away.
“That’s great! Welcome to Uber.”
#rubbishjokes
What’s black and white and makes a lot of noise?A panda with a set of drums.
Att’n birds in my yard: the one to the LEFT of the feeder is for drinking, the one to the RIGHT is for bathing. Get it together you guys.
calf- calves
half – halves
self – selves
wolf – wolves
golf – golves
Telling her you’re a magician is tricky business. First, tell her you’re a puppeteer. Watch her face drop then say, “just joking.”
NOW tell her you’re a magician.
If you don’t open your mouth when you yawn, you’re a monster. I’m serious. Let that demon go. You’re freaking everybody out.
flash mobs for serving divorce papers
Me: Hi, officer. I saw you coming up the driveway.
Cop: (sadly) Your son has been in an accident.
Me: I FLUSHED ALL MY DRUGS FOR THAT?!
Her: Baby, do that thing that makes me hot
Me: *kisses her neck*
H: *slaps me* I MEANT turn the thermostat up dummy, it’s freezing in here
Why is it that “fire sauce” isn’t made with any real fire? Seems like false advertising.
everyone: “you changed”
the climate: i know 😞
My wife bought a bag of mozzarella sticks from Costco in case 1,100 kids stop by the house.
So now I’m told that when cats bring in dead mice, they aren’t “trophies”, but a critique on your own ability to hunt and feed yourself. Which is a bit rich from an an animal that gives it the big leg rub when it fancies a pouch of salmon & herring, the grifting whiskery pricks.
If you see a distressed woman in the mall screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.
Let’s face it, he wouldn’t be as universally loved if his name was Kevin Turkey Bacon.
My wife traumatically ripped the blankets off me last night. But I will recover.
just saw Gravity. excuse me while I go hug the earth.
No Amazon, I don’t want to sort stuff by “Price: High to Low,” who are the billionaires who would even make that an option?
A lot of folks out there missing the point…
Shazam but for the name of the person who literally just introduced themself to me
No one has ever said, “You know what would make this even better? Turkey bacon.”
My son asked me why there’s so many wine bottles in the our recycling bin lately. I gave him twenty bucks and he walked away.
Parenting is easy
OMG, shoot him with a crossbow one time and he never shuts up about it.
It wasn’t even fatal.