The movie “Up” could never have been filmed today…
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This scene was so out of pocket looking back 😭 ☠️
If you want to know how I rate in our household, my wife has one term of endearment for me and 74 for our dog.
I took a pole and found that 100% of people in the tent were angry.
Of course I trust you, the hidden cameras were to capture possible paranormal activities.
[on unemployment]
WIFE: So what’d you do all day?
[the dog walks by dressed as a spider]
ME: Looked for a job
Is there an app that makes the flatline noise? Bet I could freak out some nurses.
I’m less upset with Lance Armstrong lying about taking performance-enchancing drugs than I am at Oprah for lying about retiring.
Mint flavored condoms called condomints. Thanks for following.
Wrong hole! It’s too tight!
-me putting on my watch, you pervs
date: this is so romantic
me: just the two of us
date: and the stars
me: and the moon
the moon: *winks at my date*
me: *narrowing eyes* son of a-
my wife and i went furniture shopping this weekend and one couch just shouted “take me home” at us, so we left because nobody needs a talking couch
I spent a good portion of today sitting in a Snuggie watching Cops. Eventually, they told me to go home and put on pants.
Furniture salesperson: Do you see anything you like?
Waldo: Actually yes this red and white couch is quite nice.
Love the deli paper on the doctor’s table. Mmm I’m a sick little sandwich
*wakes up hungover, sweaty*
*licks arm*
*gets drunk*
Tired of rap songs starting with MC going “uhuh uhuh…One two one two…Let’s do this…” No. You shoulda been ready when the song started.
How powerful must it feel for the dentist to start referring to your teeth by their secret “numbers” to the hygienist
Whenever I’m worried I messed up with my wife I remember that time my brother gave an anniversary card to his current wife on the date of his first marriage
“Hello?”
Dad come get me from practice
“Sorry I’m going into a tunnel” *sound of mom giggling*
But I called the *connection drops* …landline
Don’t believe in aliens, huh? Explain how people in the 1800s got on top of those bicycles with the huge front wheels.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He had the elbows of a seasoned kayaker. He had a racist hairline.
I’ve been filming the couple next to me on this flight for the last 45 minutes hoping they’ll do something that could go viral. No good content so far (the woman looks very uncomfortable and the man keeps threatening to have me arrested)
Nice try, horror movies, but the scariest thing I’ve ever seen is still a 4-year-old holding a sharpie without the cap.
The cable company told me they would send a guy out and I need to be home between the hours of 1pm and 2014.
I love kids…But stop making me hold your baby. Why are you letting people touch your new born?!?
I don’t let people touch my new iPhone
[phonecall w criminal]
FBI Agent: keep him on the line for 2 more minutes
me: ok.. *twirling phone cord* no you hang up. haha no you hang up
librarian: that’s $34.92 in late fees
me: *whispers* waldo’s really hard to find
Adulthood is being angry at your spouse for not knowing what to get for dinner when you don’t know what you want, either.
Oracle: Beware the Ides of March
Caesar: I’m in danger?
O: Yah, but I meant in, like, 2k years the US will depend on the wisdom of ppl in FL
Bad news:
I got so busy drafting tweets, I forgot to pick the kids up at school.Worse news:
I’m a bus driver