Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I set up my Nativity scene, but since baby Jesus hasn’t arrived yet, Mary, Joseph and all the Wise Men are just looking down at their phones.

I hate when people tell plus size girls they can’t “pull something off” like honey I’m trying to buy white jeans not steal the Declaration of Independence

My dad was bragging about his hearing aid. State of the art, he said. Cost me a fortune. Awesome, I said, what type is it? Two thirty, he replied.

Everyone is just looking for that special someone who could do way better but chooses not to for some inexplicable reason.

A family of crows flying into a windmill is a murder suicide

Frantically searches office for glasses that have been on top of my head all along

There are two types of people, those who can’t keep a secret and those who can keep a secret for like five minutes

Bank employees are called tellers, remember that next time you whisper them secrets.

[Restaurant]
Me *has a sip and nods at date* yes, that’s fine, we’ll have a bottle

Waiter: One ketchup coming up

Friend: What’s wrong? Is everything OK?

Me: I don’t want to talk about it.

Also me: [To 20,000 strangers on the internet] you guys ARE NOT going to believe this SHIT

[to psychic gf] the spirits you talk to make fun of me don’t they
“no”
[she laughs for no reason]
AHHHH *punching the air* FIGHT ME SPIRITS

I think I may have screwed up. When I saw on here how the ladies liked the dad bod I went and got 3.

My @FedEx package was never actually delivered to my house and you’ll never believe who signed for it

Just spent 5 minutes waving my hands in front of a manual paper towel dispenser if anyone needs someone to take their SAT exam for them.

Sometimes I’m just so exhausted I have to go to bed and scroll my phone for the next 2-3 hours

We can put a man on the moon but we can’t reference any other achievements?

It rubs the lotion on its skin and struggles with the doorknobs again.

A coven of witches with grandkids who call themselves the PentaGrans.

Thanks for following.

I think it’s only called hoarding when you’re poor.

“This tofu tastes like chicken.”

No one believes you dude.

DOG 911: What’s ur emer-

DOG: IT’S CHRISTMAS EVE

DOG 911: so?

DOG: MY HUMAN SAID SOMEONE’S COMING IN THE HOUSE THROUGH THE CHIMNEY TONIGHT

DOG 911: OMG

DOG: OMG

*pulls away from kissing*
JUDGE: That was unexpected and kind of nice, but you’re still guilty.

New slogan for cats: “Ever go to the zoo and want to snuggle a tiger but don’t want to die? Cats.”

I cannot escape the 45 year old man who spends millions to look 43. I don’t want to see him anymore but he is everywhere. Oh no the doorbell, it’s him he’s here

Her: The laundry pods are missing!
Me: Oh really?
H: Did you eat them again?
M: Absolutely not *burps bubbles* why?
H: JUST CALL IT A HUNCH!

My kids are at their grandparents’ for the week, and did you guys know that when there are no kids living at your house IT STAYS CLEAN ALL THE TIME???

“Do not touch” must be one of the most terrifying things to read in braille

I just found an unopened box of Girl Scout cookies underneath my futon in my mom’s basement so yeah-I found love in a hopeless place.

6yr old: “We’ll see” means there’s a chance, right mom?
Me: Sure, let’s go with that.

my bf is sick and i offered him a cup of throat coat tea and he (extremely blearily) went “throat goat???”