Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me as a kid: Willy Wonka is SO cool!

Me as a mom: WHOA! Ease up on the sugar there, Dude!

Him: you watch too much Food Network

Me: just enjoy your artisanal bread covered in a delectable berry compote

Him: its toast and jelly

Me growing up in the countryside with a car: “it’s literally insane that I have to drive 20 minutes to see a friend. I can’t wait to move to a city”

Me in a city: “okay, 78 minutes on three trains to see someone who lives 6 miles away, that seems fine”

But I’m the good kind of abomination, right???

Yesterday, Mike heated up his fish in the break room.

Today, Mike is missing.

Don’t be like Mike.

[fancy dinner]
ME: please pass the (forgets the name for salt) dried ocean

casual sex implies the existence of ranked competitive sex

last night I told my four year old I loved her and she said “I love you so much that if someone chopped your head off I’d carry it around forever in a bag”

[preparing chicken for lunch]
me: it’s a meal we eat at midday

chicken: gotcha

Me: what will you trade me for my Soul

Devil: dude I am NOT buying your KIA

hubs: why the makeup?
me: we’re cooking dinner together.
him: and…
me: and, I want to look nice when the police arrive.

Print is alive and well!!!

I’ve dated a vegetarian, trust me, they put meat in their mouth.

I know how to use an abacus as a tambourine.

I wonder if new batteries in my milk frother feels to my coffee and creamer what a fully charged vibra… you know what, never mind.

What idiot called it Kenny Loggins describing how he visited Bethlehem to see the Christ child and not “I went to the Manger Zone”?

Merry Christmas everyone

Wanna feel old? Helium formed for the first time 13.8 billions years ago.

I do things for others…

Like when I’m drunk dancing by myself, Billy Idol style, and I save my friends from being seen with me.

What he said, “Let’s just drop it.”
What I heard, “I can’t think of a single way to win this argument, I bow to your wit and intelligence.”

[watching a sex scene with my parents] You guys ever try that?

Negative pregnancy tests, because everyone loves good news on a stick

CW: What’d you have for breakfast?
Me: A bowl of Oreos.
CW: Lol you mean Cherrios?
Me: No.

Me: Maybe it’s the weed talking but your apartment seems enormous

IKEA Manager: Sir.

So when rioters are just practicing the rioting do they use Molotov mocktails?

M: Twitter has helped me tremendously as a writer, as it demands tightness and brevity.
Friend: What do you write?
M: Oh, only tweets now.

husband: when is [5]’s birthday

me: same as your mom’s

husband: *blank stare*

Word!

the beatles: all you need is love

haddaway: I have a question

Fantasia gave me unrealistic expectations of how much cleaning a bucket and mop would be motivated to do.

You get home from work early. You walk into the kitchen and your dog is peeling a potato. Startled, she yells “IT’S JUST A POTATO!”
#ambien