Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

pls suprot

Yes. these are prescription Oreos.

I was going to delete that tweet with the typo but then I realized it was upsetting people.

*puts down 1000 page thesis*
*adjusts microphone*
*looks at audience*

So, and hear me out, what if Mr. Miyagi actually paid those schoolboys to bully that kid so he can get his house fixed?

[jolts awake in bed]
Honey, wake up! I had a terrible nightmare that you were an algorithm!
spouse: (from under covers) That’s awful, sweetheart. Let me suggest some other dreams you might have

Internet dating? No thanks. I like the internet, but I don’t like like the internet.

THEM: eat shit and die
ME: well, if nobody else wants any

I wrote ‘I loathe ‘ and ac finished it with ‘people’. I’m gonna marry my phone.

yeah that 16 month gap in my resume is the time i spent in the woods in new hampshire where eventually god revealed to me that my purpose in life is to be a wealth manager here at wells fargo 🙂

Billboards never give helpful advice like “hey you’re about to walk into work with your fly down”.

A British person, unable to stand upright due to the gust, leaves and twigs smashing into their head, with eyebrows blown clean from their face and sore eyes watering with tears quickly whipped away by the gale, is unable to resist uttering:

“Bit windy”

Witches these days have it so easy. Do you know how hard it used to be to find so many newts? Now you get them with free 2 day shipping.

American: We’re really not that gun-obsessed.

Brit: Where did you get that t-shirt.

American:

Brit:

American: FROM A CANNON BUT THAT’S NOT THE POINT

Me: I don’t mean to overstep but I would be a great hire.

Employer: In that case the Ministry of Silly Walks is not for you.

Me *goose step, tippy toe, barrel roll out the door*: Best of luck!

Employer *high kick, sashay to trashcan with resume*: Damn shame.

I am out of wine, so I ate a bag of grapes and threw myself down the stairs.

Imagine dating, falling in love, getting married, having kids, and only then realizing that the person you chose is literally incapable of whispering

let’s hit the petting zoo and find out which animals are ticklish

I just listened to a guy try to pick up a girl buy using “I can climb ANY tree, I mean ANY tree” and I think dating may have changed a lot since I was in the game.

Cake: I want a girl who gets up early. I want a girl who stays up late.

Me: She is going to be exhausted.

Remember in 90’s movies when the hot girl would enter a party in slow motion? That’s what happens when I walk in a buffet.

Text your husband “I know your secret” and he’ll bring you home so many awesome presents!
You don’t even need to know what the secret is!

I just want someone to look at me the way that Wile E. Coyote looks at an ACME product.

Never underestimate mothers. They can turn “mayhem” into “ma’am” with one narrowed glance.

The funniest part about The Bachelor is the participants actually think being married is a prize.

Looking forward to the day when “having a case of Corona” means you’re going to the beach and not the hospital.

[working at prison coffee shop]

I walk up to the biggest guy in there & punch his loyalty card bc repeat customers are crucial to business

Me: Sorry I don’t talk much.

Date: It’s okay. I don’t listen much.

My favorite thing right now is calling air pods ‘air buds’ in front of my daughter and her friends.

How do I rate our solar system?

One star

If you don’t have plans tonight, head to a crowded restaurant, stand up during the meal, and say “She said yes!”. Free applause and dessert. You’re welcome.