The movie ‘Up’ is utter bullshit. I tied 57,000 balloons to my house & my wife didn’t die.
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I’m white, but not “my kitchen island is so big it has its own zip code” white
H: Do you like carpet or prefer it bare?
M: I’m OK with a little carpet of she shaves the rest
H: We’re talking about floors
M: HR again?
Deciding which personality is going to respond to an email
When you look up from your phone only to realize that the woman at the grocery store you’ve been following is not your wife.
Two
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Four
Tell the people what she wore…
This made me laugh more than it should’ve 😭
[getting out of prison after 10 years]
GUARD: *handing me a paper bag* here are ur things
ME: did none of u monsters feed my tamagotchi
I’m like that guy at the beginning of infomercials that is unable to do simple shit, i just burns everything and i cant figure out blankets.
My buddy: “Yeah spring break, man! Have an awesome one!” *hangs up*
Me: *Covered in blood and barricaded into a room in Castle Dracula, screaming into phone* “NO! BRING STAKE! BRING STAAAAAKE!”
me at age 15: (stressed, worried about prom every day)
me now: (carefree, think about prom maybe twice a week tops)
Wow I ordered too much food.
Here, you can have half of it.*5 minutes later*
Okay I’m gonna need that back
I’ll be in the yard for a bit. If anyone asks, I’m outstanding.
No, they’re not called hedge funds because hedgehogs control the global economy. What a silly idea. 🙂
*later to thugs* They know too much.
Me: hey girl r u an earthquake
Her: aw bc I rock ur world?
Me: no bc your unpredictability threatens the entire foundation of my existence
Nobody:
Me: people died on the Titanic but the lobsters were set free.
Dear Restaurant Managers:
If more than 3 employees ask me how I’m enjoying my meal, I begin to wonder if you know something I don’t know.
“Hey pregnant, I’m dad”
….
….
….
…..
“Oh god wait.”
I think I have resting watching sex scene with my parents face
“If you want to lose weight eat in front of a mirror, nude”. Tried it. All I saw was a happy naked woman eating cheese.
WW2 started from a game of telephone when Hitler said ” I hate shoes”
Not enough drugs in the world that would make me strip in front of a webcam. But a bottle of wine should do it.
I can claim not to have a best-loved child but one of my kids just said his first favorite thing is cleaning and his second favorite is reading so you know I am lying if I deny it
Me on my way to annoy my favorite person
(unless you have a dachshund puppy) it’s important to leave the house sometimes (because it’s the only way you’ll see a dachshund puppy)
Him: Do you gamble?
Me: I don’t even sneeze without crossing my legs.
St. Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland. They gave him a great Uber rating.
I hate when I wake up hungry and stay that way for 32 years
“WATERMELON” HAS 4 SYLLABLES. “ILLUMINATI” HAS 5 SYLLABLES. THAT’S PRETTY CLOSE. WATERMELON IS ILLUMINATI.
*spider-man pacing the ceiling while Mary Jane is in the bathroom taking a pregnancy test*
Very good news from my accountant
