Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: *making toast at wedding*
Bride: hey those presents weren’t for you

My 4yo is constantly asking us if he can push buttons and it’s like…you already do buddy…you already do.

Chefs seem obsessed with removing more and more of the original structure of foods:

Salmon mousse
Basil foam
Strawberry dust
Parmesan air

Where does it end?

Venison déjà vu
A memory of broccoli
A vicious rumour about carrots

[War Museum]

Cop: Ma’am, you called about some stolen torpedoes?

Me: Actually I said Doritos

Cop: *walks away

Me: THEY WERE COOL RANCH

Teens be like, “You know that crumbled up piece of paper that’s been on the table all week? I need it for school.”

Bake a cake with rum and no one bats an eye… Bake brownies with laxatives and everybody loses their shit!

All my coworkers put tape over the cameras on their laptops but not me. I don’t care if anybody sees me sighing for 8 hours a day.

The only reason they’re called “jellyfish” is that ‘discarded grocery bags of death’ was considered “too wordy”.

Put this video in the Louvre

“Oh, we’re going for a 2 minute car ride? Let me just gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked first. Oh, & hide your keys.”

-3 year olds.

If robots are so smart, why can’t my roomba beat me at chess?

Checkmate, science.

My friends have canceled our lunch plans 3 days in a row …. I’m starting to think they really don’t like lunch.

There’s a 99.9% chance that no one on twitter is your soulmate. There’s also a 99.9% chance your spouse agrees.

The lady on the news said that alcohol sales are down significantly in Alberta.
I’ve been sober for 57 days.

So technically, I was on the news tonight.

love pickles so much i put myself in one

Someone asked how I was doing, so I said, “well l, let’s just say I’m not built Ford Tough” bc I’m not able to say I’m not doing well out loud. In retrospect I think the cashier really just wanted a “good & you” response but instead we bathed in the awkwardness that is my brain.

🤨

Drier than a bar of soap after a 7yo has “washed his hands.”

[pushing cheese slice into ATM which is repeatedly rejected] you don’t know value

this mf tried to spell arrangatangs with an o

If I was a princess I’d wanna be rapunzel so I could get locked in a tower and get my hair pulled.

The closest I’ll ever come to performing in the circus is standing on a swivel chair trying to reach the vodka I told my friend to hide.

Decolonizing something is when you remove perfume from it

5: dad is sixty eighty?

me: wtf

5: is today tomorrow?

me: the hell?

5: Saturday Sunday Monday?

me: hey honey, 5 is broken.

[Joker has Robin tied up]
“If you want to see the Boy Wonder alive, come to the old-”
“Nope. Also he’s allergic to peanuts. Like real bad.”

Any grown man whose mustache is a different color than his head hair is automatically qualified to be the conductor of a magical train.

“I think Esmerelda’s in trouble!”
“What makes you so sure, Quasimodo?”
“I have a…”
…
*sunglasses*
…
*turns to camera*
…
hunch.”

Me (being murdered): hey I need to switch the laundry
Murderer (stops stabbing): oh dang you don’t want that stuff sitting in the washer

i will email myself something and then immediately stress once i hear the email notification bc i already forgot :/

You left a note on the fridge saying “This isn’t working. Goodbye” but I opened it and it was working perfectly well. I don’t get it.