Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you look to me for any advice, what comes next, as well as any subsequent jail time, is on you.

My swear jar has more money in it than my bank account

If you’re not writing, that’s fine, but just know that someone else is. So, if you really want to be successful, figure out who it is and get them to stop.

Apparently you can be asked to leave the courtroom if you fall off your chair too many times

When I’m texting, I start typing faster when i see you’re typing too. Oh, IT’S ON!! #amazingrace

Canadians eat more mac & cheese than any other nation

We also rank first for quality of life

I’m not saying these things are related but ….these things are definitely related

My 5-year-old refused to eat her dinner because Netflix was running slow.

At least she picked a worthy cause for her hunger strike.

i now pronounce you bounced.

Sorry random child at the playground that my daughter just invited to her birthday party 4 months from now. It’s never going to happen.

I’d get in the back of their van if they told me they had a phone charger in it.

I’m so sorry for your loss. Your husband is in a better place now.
“B-but he left me for a-”
-A richer woman? I know. Her house is gorgeous!

You look like you come from a long line of restraining orders.

What does a robot do during a one night stand?

He nuts and bolts

“I don’t have to outrun the bear! Just you!” Wrong. Bears are so sick of that joke, they skip the slow guy and eat the fast guy now.

COP: someone’s been cutting everyone’s christmas lights but not yours
ME: i have no idea why a crustacean- i mean person would do that
[my pet lobster Susan slowly puts her big pincer behind her back]

Sorry I’m late. I was standing in front of the cooler staring at names on Coca Cola bottles for 10 mins realizing how many people I dislike.

How To Ride An Escalator:
-Step 1
-Now Just Chill for a Bit

I was looking at my phone and tripped over the dog and we’re both laying in the floor looking at my phone.

origin story of all Disney villains:

“omg if I hear ONE more person singing today-“

Child: I need to be dismissed from school, my stomach hurts.

Also child, after being dismissed: [orders himself DoorDash from McDonald’s at 8 PM]

{notices you’re wearing silver earrings}
sorry your ears came in 2nd

I didn’t think I was high until I realized I was watching bowling

Look, you can tell me what to do in an emergency and that’s fine, but I’m going to do what I do best, and that is panic.

Son, take a look around you…
*motions to piles of unpaid bills*
Someday all of this will be all yours.

king kong winces in agony after stepping on a lego store

Having defeated the floor lamp, 4 plants & one “unbreakable” cat toy, my idiot cat has now waged war against my laundry.

The Battle of the Bra is in full swing.

[dinner negotiations]

Wife: where do you want to go to eat?

Me: ugh

Wife:

Me: you pick

Wife: I’m craving kale

Me: I’ll pick

Did you hear about the man who was using apples and oranges for flooring?

He started to lay them down when he realized it was fruit-tile

#LunchPun

Parenting doesn’t prepare you for the awkward glances you get when a naked Ken doll falls out of your briefcase.

I thought white noise was the sound of people complaining at Starbucks.