The Mrs: Why haven’t you done laundry?
Me: I’m recycling the clothes
The Mrs: You already used that line
Me: I’m also recycling my excuses
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thesaurus had the greatest vocabulary of all the dinosaurs
*a dog sits down at a roulette table and pushes his life savings in chips to the center*
Put it all on Grey
INTERVIEWER:How good are your public speaking skills?
ME:*from behind a tall plant in the office, I throw a piece of paper saying ‘Decent’*
wife *resting after surgery*
me
wife
me [holding flowers and a Transformers birthday balloon] They didn’t have any that said “Get Well Soon”
*running from the police and turning into an alley*
HER: Kiss me
HIM: What?
HER: Do you trust me? Then kiss me
*they kiss passionately as the police round the corner*
POLICE: There they are! They stopped to kiss!
[4:30 AM]
Wife: I thought I told you to rock the baby to sleep
Me: *turning down Enter Sandman* What does it look like I’m doing, Karen
looking for a 5 bedroom 3 bath house for $30
GIRLFRIEND: Hold on, Dan’s calling.
ME: Tell him I said, “Hi.” He’ll know what it means.
GIRLFRIEND: …I assume it means “Hi.”
ME: Yeah I didn’t say he was the only one who’d know what it means.
*writes in climate’s year book “Best of luck. Don’t ever change!”*
Little known fact: Arizona’s state flower is pavement.
The imaginary line that separates North and South in the US is determined by the amount of sugar in an iced tea
According to Facebook, 78% of girls I went to high school with now own their own photography business.
Prank Idea For The Ladies:
Swallow a plastic dinosaur, then make an appointment to get an ultrasound.
Allergies right now are life’s way of playing “PSYCH”.
*phone falls*
Me: Oh No my phone!!!
*friend falls*
Me: Hahahahaha idiot!
A great white shark is just a normal shark with khakis and a high credit score.
Me: Do you have homework?
11: Do you know that the world is 23.3 trillion dollars in debt?
Stopped on the highway.
Officer: Any drugs? Alcohol?
Me: No thanks, I got everything.
Nurse: Doctor this man needs an IV!
Roman Empire doctor: OF WHAT? HE NEEDS 4 OF WHAT?!
[Shipwreck Diary]
Day 29: worried I’m losing track of time
Day 4: nope. I’m fine
7 A.M.: I will only eat the wholesome low-calorie whole grain cereal with skim milk.
MIDNIGHT: Where are the chocolates? I must have more chocolates!
Hubs sent me this text:
There’s no wrong way to tell the person you love that their beautiful.Me: *they’re.
My cat managed to open a kitchen cabinet and sliced open a bag of flour. I walked into what looked like a feline version of the movie Blow.
HER: We broke up at his house at 10:37 pm on Tues the 17th.
HIM: She’s mad at me.
Setting my phone on do not disturb because I’m about to eat nachos and want zero interruptions.
This guy at my work is giving his wife a gym membership for Christmas.
His name was John.
doctor: i have the results of your cholesterol test
me: did i pass? haha
doctor: no but you will very soon
Yeah, well, I didn’t exactly want to be late for work today either but it’s not like hot wings can shave themselves out of chest hair.
I don’t know why they are called smart phones, I dropped mine in the toilet and it didn’t even try to get out.
ME: I’d like to buy some underwear.
CLERK: Satin?
ME: No, new please.