The Murphy bed mishap was as hilarious as it was fatal.
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*comes home from work. House is clean, laundry done, dinner on the table*
Me: Hey babe…who did this?
Husband *levitating*: There is no babe…only Zuul
Me: How much does Zuul cost per week?
‘It’s ok, I’m from the internet’, I whisper from under your bed as you call the police.
So after 75 long days, this week is finally over
Don’t buy a belt at the zoo, it’s just a snake trying to escape.
About 2/3 of Earth’s surface is water. Same for the human body. So really, we’re all incontinent
Her: I’m not cleaning the sheets this time
“How’s your core?” bro I’m not an apple.
I always wear a wet suit and goggles to the pub so I don’t look like an idiot when I wake up on the beach in the morning.
Ocean’s 8 makes me feel seen as a woman but also as someone who has tried to organize anything with more than 3 people
People get so weird when I step on the gym scale behind them, naked.
God: Okay… How about thou shalt not
*Moses looks up*
God: …punch… squirrels?
Moses: *sigh* How about “steal”?
God: People steal squirrels?
Helping in the kitchen this morning. So far I’ve used 467 paper towels
Just saw someone refer to a cat as a spicy dog…this is the only way now.
Hey girl, I heard you like bad boys?
*starts jigsaw puzzle from middle instead of edges*
Cauliflower’s mom: you can be anything you want baby
Broccoli’s mom: [arranging marriage with cheese] this is all you get, sweetheart
I think semi-colons have gotten a bad rap. They should be re-branded as super-commas.
I know it’s International Women’s Day but I’d like to give a shout out to all the national and local women as well.
Officers asking me why I’m speeding like they don’t know people fast during Lent.
the lady who waxes my eyebrows asked me what my favorite local hot dog places are and i got so animated she had to stop working for a second
Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Gays are definitely from Saturn. You know the only planet chic enough to accessorize with a belt.
me: i really messed up this time. we’re in deep with the cartel.
my wife: how much money do you owe pampered chef this time?
Me: I’m totally getting used to this
Husband: getting used to what?
Me: you know not doing my hair, and stuff
Husband: again getting used to what?
[Silence]
Me: I hate you
If you walk around eating a potato like an apple, no one will bother you.
Son: Daddy, when does this end?
Me: No-one knows, our existence is a long, bleak road upon which we travel until the final embrace of death
Son: I mean when does this party end?
Me: 7.30
The easiest way to bundle your home and auto insurance is to live in your car.
Taxidermist’s Wife: Whatcha thinkin’ about?
Taxidermist: Stuff.
You know what rhymes with, “I’m Fine” ?
“More Wine”
47 years ago today, Soap debuted.
We don’t talk enough about how brilliant and underrated this show was.
This scene. 😂😂😂
*quietly tries to open a bag of chips while son walks around looking for his bag of chips*
Sure, sex ed is an important class but if you want teens to fully grasp the consequences of sex, have them spend a few min with a toddler. My 3yo just cried for a solid 20 min cuz I wouldn’t “take the hair off” my head. If that doesn’t convince teens to use condoms, nothing will.
bartender: what can I get u
me: a lot