The Murphy bed mishap was as hilarious as it was fatal.
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It’s not a good date unless it ends with you slowly walking off into the ocean like Godzilla.
I asked my 9 yr old a question 27 min ago.
She’s still answering it.
SON: I lost a tooth. I’m gonna leave it under my pillow.
ME: *paying bills online* I’d wait
This day in history. 1973. Pablo Picasso died in France leaving behind his wife, 4 children, and a dog with piano key teeth and a halibut for a tail.
If you can build and occupy a house on the moon for 6 months, you own that part of the moon. The moon police can’t stop you.
Hubs: * Hands me a broom* Make yourself useful
Me: Flies away
Every year tigers kill 150 people: it’s like they’re not even trying; there are billions of us
I came home to find that my son had installed the air conditioner in his bedroom window.
I told him, “You did a good job, but it’s actually supposed to go in like this.”
I then proceeded to drop his air conditioner out of the 2nd story window.
There is no moral to this story.
Just saw a Fiat & a Mini Cooper get into a head on collision. It was horrible… there was glitter everywhere.
I keep people from talking to me by picking up leaves off the ground and eating them.
I had to Stop for this
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People that tell us what sex gods they are..what do you want us to do with that information?
BOSS: why are you so late?
ME: i definitely wasnt up until 4am watching Hey Arnold ha-ha
BOSS: well i was and i got here on time
*whips out tampon*
“Now weigh me”
Me: It’s cold out there today!
12: How cold?
Me: ICE COLD!
Alright, alright, alright, alright, alright
Alright, alright, alright, alright, alright
Alright, alright, alright, alright12: *sighs*
He died in the bath trying to make a YouTube video entitled ‘Aqua-Toast’.
I tell my kids to charge their iPads and then I charge them cause who’s really punished when they’re dead?
I’ve deleted enough tweets to know that I should never get a tattoo.
I just cleaned the house and took a picture so that in 15 minutes I can remember how nice it looked.
Looking for a pet that is friendly, loyal, fun and, in the eventuality of an apocalypse, tasty.
went to get pizza for lunch and when the guy asked what i wanted to drink i wasn’t paying attention so i looked this man in the eyes and said “a side of marinara”
I think my wife is having an affair, for two years she claims to have been going to classes, yet still can’t speak a word of Zumba.
find these 10 emoji for no good reason
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I don’t wish mean people any harm but maybe they would be happier if they moved to that nice farm my parents took my dog to when I was 5.
Today I want to talk about how someone (the neighbor’s daughter) screamed so loudly about getting a new car (happy birthday) we thought someone was being murdered.
My daughter dries dishes like she is a rich lady in the witness protection program trying to integrate into a small midwestern town.
I just saw Angelina Jolie’s ex walking one of Santa’s reindeer down a nude beach. A topless Dancer & a bottomless Pitt.
Ha ha I’m so lonely
Not to brag but drunk me just decided to start taking pictures for sober me in the morning…
life finds a way
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*digs in purse to pay for purchase*
Me: Whew, wasn’t sure I had enough. *awkward laugh*Clerk: Would you like to donate $1 to…
Me: *starts digging again*