The mystery is not do spiders poop.
The mystery is where do spiders poop.
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Lisa never talks about her younger brother, Lava Lampanelli.
F: The eyes on those dolls freak me out. I wish you’d get rid of them.
Next day
F *screams*
I meant get rid of the dolls not their eyes.
Me: I need sex, and I need it now…
Her: I understand. You want to be alone.
The main difference between barbers and land mine sweepers is that if the barber takes a off a foot or two, he’s having a GOOD day.
me: brush your teeth
my kids: how fricking dare you want me to continue to have teeth
Her: Your life just doesn’t seem to have a direction.
Me: “Down” is a direction, Brenda.
me: i wish i could have sex before i die
genie: granted
me: [873 years old] motherfu
So Torchwood, the Who spinoff, is notably an anagram of Doctor Who, so obviously this must be the rule for all subsequent spinoffs. I’m now going to pitch my show “Hoot Crowd” about a large group of time-travelling owls.
#Caturday
My cat attacked me for trying to help her, and I’ve never understood a creature more
Why is the word prolific only used to describe serial killers. You never hear anyone say “He was the most prolific donut maker you’ve ever seen.”
Muchacha is my favorite Spanish word that sounds like cows dancing.
Look, 80’s kids went from Inspector Gadget to Terminator so we have a lot of mixed feelings about technology.
*pulls home cooked meal out of oven*
*family awkwardly stares at me*
Yup, this is definitely not my house.
Just blocked someone for correcting my spelling and it feelded great.
When the world gets you down, always remember that only idiots get cheered up by cheap philosophical bullshit and you’re better than that.
My toddler is legit angry at me because I wouldn’t let her jump out a second story window today. This is why you need birth control ladies.
I saw this late last night before bed and it literally haunted my dreams
what’s another way to say “codependent psycho”? I want this dating profile to be perfect
*filled stadium
Singer: ARE YOU READY TO ROCK?!
Crowd:
S:
C:
S: I SAID: ARE YOU READY T–
C: WE’RE THINKING
her: this isn’t going to work out
me: [mouthful of mashed potatoes] ith id bu-
her: yes it’s because of the mashed potatoes
Me: ooo that one is yummy…and that one has kind eyes…oh wow I have always been a sucker for beards…
Cop: Ma’am this is a lineup. You are supposed to pick out the guy who stole your purse – not the ones you like
coworker: those are some crazy socks
me: well I guess th-
socks: THE GOVERNMENT RECORDS ALL OF OUR PHONE CALLS & IS HIDING UFO EVIDENCE
Florida mom delivers 14-pound baby after surprise pregnancy .
Florida?? NO PART of this story surprises me.
Me: Santa, why are women so scary?
Santa: dude come on, I make $8.50 an hour, get off me.
Me: *watching Fargo* Hmmm everybody seems to mostly be traveling short distances
My husband and I are very compatible.
He’s a problem solver and I have lots of them.
Why do people apologize when their dog runs up to you? You could stuff your dog down the back of my shirt and I’d give you a dollar
FBI: “Report anything that seems suspicious”
Citizens: “Jet fuel can’t melt steel beams”
FBI: “K like not anything anything”
“I trust him as far as I can throw him.”
Oh and we’re supposed to trust you, the guy who THROWS people?