The mystery is not do spiders poop.
The mystery is where do spiders poop.
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Superpower: giving evildoers the hiccups, then on day 23, you throw them off a building but by that point they’re just sobbing “thank you”
you don’t scare me. you’re not a can of biscuits i’m about to open.
I’ve sustained two tea-pouring injuries so far this week. Suffice it to say I won’t be moving to London anytime soon.
Whenever I read the word “female” on twitter, in my head I pronounce it like “tamale”.
Don’t be that guy that tells people not to be “that guy.”
Hey pals! I’ve been on a break from making comics but you can read two new ones right here:
Intoxicated man causing disturbances attempts to hide from police…under a blanket
Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?
Neil Armstrong: …yes.
If you can’t be with the one you love, love the grilled cheese you’re with.
BOSS: You’re late again today
ME {still using the Mayan calendar}: We’re lucky to even be here you know
Not sure if this girl I’m talking to online is real, so on our first date I’m gonna bring an image captcha for her to solve.
A couple of weeks ago I replaced my work computer with an aquarium. If anyone asks, I say it’s my screensaver.
I joined a poker tournament with a bunch of people who do origami. I’m gonna dominate, cause these guys always fold.
America’s national mascot should just be a drunk white girl typing on a shattered iPhone.
TAYLOR SWIFT: Yes, I’d love to go out with you!
ME: Sweet. *imagining being immortalized in a Top 40 hit song*
they should invent an apple tv remote that doesn’t turn off your movie unplug your tv and delete all your accounts if you breathe on it the wrong way
what if plants could talk but they are still in shock from seeing the dinosaurs
My daughter said it’s 11:11 make a wish and my son said I wish everyone would shut up so I think he’s ready for adulthood now.
I even pretend not to be home for a knock-knock joke
You guys remember back before Google when we would just sit around and wonder about shit ….?
me: how is your pancake, bud?
3yo, rubbing the pancake on his face: it’s soft
I sing this with my entire soul to anyone within earshot. I truly believe, in my heart of hearts, that anything that is broken can always be mended.
-The inventor of duct tape, probably
NASA faked the cow jumping over the moon.
[phone]
H: What’s for dinner?
M: I’m having vodka. As for you, I have no idea.
H: Should I stop and get something?
M: Yes, more vodka.
Me: Look, even if you could breathe underwater, no one wants to be Aquaman.
4yo: Who’s Aquaman?
Me: EXACTLY!
My friends have canceled our dinner plans three nights in a row. I’m starting to think they don’t like dinner.
If u drink the blue liquid from a Magic 8-Ball u can see the future trust me my friend Keith did once & said he was gonna die & then he did
SHOPPER: which aisle has applesauce?
ME: oh, I don’t work here
*continues changing all the cheese Best If Purchased By dates to my name*
An MIT psychologist has warned humans against falling in love with AI, saying it just pretends and does not really care about you. “Oh that’s just a problem with AI, is it?” asked an MIT psychologist’s ex-girlfriend.
My favorite thing to do when my grandkids visit is to bake a big batch of fresh cookies.
Then I eat them all by myself.
Screw those kids.