The mystery is not do spiders poop.
The mystery is where do spiders poop.
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Anyone who believes that the customer is always right has clearly never worked in retail.
Or met people.
Some people are uncouth but not me, I’m super couthy.
Martin Shkreli can look forward to a 5,000% markup on cigarettes in his near future.
What do you call a cappuccino with an old friend?
A catchupino.
#RubbishJokes
The mayor of Toronto wants us to return to in-person work to help cut down on crime in the city but unless most of us are employed as Batman I’m not sure the plan will unfold as she expects
Have you ever been driving on a highway and afraid to exit the off ramp because it’s a sharp turn and the roads are full of snow so you just keep going until you hit Florida?
Me: *Applying for a second mortgage*
Banker: *shuffling papers* I just don’t understand how you got the first one on this Bouncy House.
toddler *hands me a bag of chips*
me *opens it* *gives it back to him* *resumes showering*
Storming out is far less effective when your innate politeness forced you to hold the door open for the person behind you.
I got a 6 month head start on No Shave November, so I think my chances of winning are pretty good this year.
Me: I’d like to see your music zebras
Piano salesman: Please don’t, I’ve had a long day
Relationship status: held a door open for a girl, so she used the other one
It doesn’t matter how many signs I put up around the office, HR said high five a co-worker in the face with a shovel day isn’t a thing.
My Kid: I CAN DO MAGIC
Me: cool, what-
My Kid: I’M A MUSICIAN
In hell, everything you have Googled in your lifetime will scroll across a jumbotron.
Any wedding can be a fairy tale wedding if you serve porridge and release three angry bears into the reception hall
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!We will we will drink you
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!*pours vodka after bad day*
*vows*
Groom: I love you so much, & publicly, in front of all our friends, I want everyone to know, Die Hard is in fact, a Christmas Movie!
An umpire pulling out a small broom and sweeping his date’s chair before she sits down.
Gotta be tough for the guy somewhere who has to say “yeah, she left me for Charles Manson.”
Cop: you’re under arrest. we found your blood at the crime scene
Me: how??
[Earlier]
Me: better floss before drowning this guy
Just saw one of those giant centipedes run though my living room so now I’m gunna sleep with a flamethrower and a full metal jacket.
Me: 🎶 Yesterday, all my troubles seemed so far away 🎶
Optometrist: “You need glasses.”
Me: we’re so compatible we finish each other’s
Him: SENTENCES
Me: you interrupt me one more time I will end you
Me: *kisses toddler* goodnight
Toddler: goodnight
Me: *shuts bedroom door*
Toddler: *behind me* hi
Me: how did you…
*changes entire paper to past tense to try to increase the page count*
I told him I’d send him nudes everyday he was sick, but we are on day 17 now… how long does the flu normally last?
Nutritionist: if you can’t pronounce the first ingredient on the label, you shouldn’t eat it
Me: ok
[at grocery store]
Me: *reading label* k-kw-kwi
Clerk: quinoa
Me: definitely not eating that