Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I feel bad when a fly gets into my house. I know that little guy is starving cause I ate and left no crumbs

brown rice can’t be THAT much better for you, can it? I ask because I don’t like it

My dog ran into the sliding glass door and she’s not even drunk. Good luck explaining that to your pals at the park.

Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together, Hermoine went alone and got attacked by a troll.

[watching The Brady Bunch before kids] Why would a stay-at-home mom need a live-in maid?

[after kids] Holy crap I need three live-in maids.

Welcome to parenthood. You now see every movie six years after it came out. Except for Disney movies. You see all of those immediately and on repeat.

I didn’t want to overwhelm my kids with rules, so when they cross the road, they only have to look one way

My mother keeps saying my boyfriend seems like someone who’d be really good with children. Except, she’s never seen him interact with children. She’s only seen him interact with me. So idk where that impression comes from…

Zelda was easier as a kid because if you hit a hard puzzle you could just wait a few days for more brain matter to come in but now it’s the opposite, if a puzzle’s hard I have to rush to try and figure it out because I’ll probably be dumber tomorrow

My 5-year-old is learning about exercise & endurance, but he keeps saying insurance. Yesterday, he asked me if you need good insurance when you run. I told him at my age, you had better.

ive taken a couple of survival classes and let me tell yall youre gonna cut urself trying to build something and die of an infection before the “raiders” come for your “water purification tablets”

Nothing makes me more stabby than when my husband ignores me and starts talking to the dog.

[dragging knife across my cheek] you should be so lucky to find my hair in your food

Wendy’s manager: you are very fired

[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Girl: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?

Whenever an actor writes something out in a movie, i always wonder IS THAT THEIR REAL HANDWRITING OR ARE THEY ACTING THEIR LITTLE FINGERS OFF?

Yeah, but is it Tyrannosauri Rex or Tyrannosaurus Rexes?

*The Jehovahs Witness slams my own door in my face

I’m not sure what my wife thinks I do in the bathroom, but I appreciate all her support

My wife and I have different beliefs about death. I want to be cremated when I die, and she wants to cremate me now.

Every atom in your body is born in a star, traveled millions of light years, & through an amazing process became you. & you watch Teen Mom.

I don’t pluck my unibrow to look good, I do it because McDonald’s sued me for illegal use of the double arches.

If you’re worried that technology will take over remember humans develop technology & we’re surprised how hot it is in the summer. Always.

My girlfriend sat up in bed at 3am and yelled “they’ll never find his body” and then giggled. So no sleeping ever again i guess.

why do these women want to date pete davidson, a funny movie star, and not me, a guy who is whining

You know how when you’re in a restaurant and a kid in the booth behind you peeks over and it’s kind of cute? Apparently it’s creepy when I do it.

My man got attacked by a snapping turtle.
I asked the ER doctor if he would get turtle powers and the doctor asked him if he feels safe at home

I wish I had the same faith in myself as people who leave me voicemails do

[making pigs in a blanket]

6-year-old: We can’t call them that. We have a pig.

Me: What should we call them?

6: Nobody you know in a blanket.

My brother used, as wrapping paper, the €70 wallpaper that Mum had bought to redecorate rooms. Cannot cope ahahah

First Christmas argument underway.

Remember, you can disappear into the woods whenever you want. You’re an adult.

It’s like my pet hippo doesn’t even realise it’s my pet.

DOCTOR: Please be quiet while I stitch up your face.