“The Mystery of the Chewed Shoe” was easily solved when one of the two primary suspects folded under the strain of interrogation.
You Might Also Like
4 a.m.
9-yr-old: DADDY I JUST HAD A NIGHTMARE
daddy: mine’s just starting
“god has a plan for you” ok well i have some notes for him
I hope this is the year my teen learns how to turn off a light when she leaves a room.
The next James Bond should be played by a duck. But not a female duck, obviously. That would be unrealistic.
Got flagged by airport security because my son had a Magic 8 Ball in his backpack. Two TSA agents debated whether it was ok. My husband said, “If only we had a simple way to answer a yes or no question…” Crickets.
I can’t find my scrabble set and I’m honestly lost for words.
This is worse than season 7 of The Walking Dead
Adopted a “failed” police dog who was given up for rehoming. Always been a brilliant addition to the family. Loving, caring, protective. Started to wonder why the cops rejected him. Then we took him to the woods where he saw a squirrel, got scared & ran head-first into a tree.
[fluffing Pillow]
Me: so what made you pick Pillow as a stage name?
Moses: Yo, I think you typo’d this tablet, “Thou shall not Bill”?
God: Frig sakes.
Moses: Lol. Still want me to read it?
I clean my house before going away like burglars give yelp reviews.
Wife: I’m heading to the store.
Me: Why?! The roads are super icy.
Wife: We’re out of beer.
Me: Drive really carefully.
Went on a date and the guy asked me my blood type. That’s normal right?
*Puts lock box on kidneys*
Say what you will about Kylo Ren, but you have to appreciate his Han die coordination.
I keep a banana in my pocket just in case, because I’m really not glad to see anybody.
WebMD is too stodgy and clinical, give me EtsyMD where you get your diagnosis embroidered on one of them wooden rings 𝓨𝓸𝓾’𝓻𝓮 𝓭𝔂𝓲𝓷𝓰 𝓹𝓻𝓸𝓫𝓪𝓫𝓵𝔂
cat faces on other animals, a thread
ME (watching a sea of a million llamas stampede over the horizon): dear God, it’s the alpacalypse
Gonna get my eye looked at today.. usually it’s the other way around
This fake stomach ache feels like I’ll be leaving work early today to go to a bar to watch the Steelers game.
You think you’re ageing well and then you feel an earlobe hair blowing in the wind
*lights cigarette
Nah, don’t bother with chloroform. Use Ketamine blow darts. Way more entertaining and you don’t have to catch them.
If you could have dinner with any person, living or dead what Arby’s would you go to?
Cop: License and registration, please.
Me: Sure, can you hold my beer?
If I choke to death on food it better not be anything healthy.
ALIEN: Take me to your leader
ME: [eating pizza with a fork] Bold of you to assume that I’m not the leader
My boyfriend is watching Glee voluntarily and tapping his foot and smiling. That makes me a lesbian now, right?
[at hairstylist]
Make me look like I’m running really fast.
Me: I can do whatever I want through Christ who strengthens me
Attorney: ok but again, as your lawyer I strongly advise you to not say that in court
Keeping 6 ft away from me may protect you from my germs, but you’ll need to be a lot farther than that to avoid the glare from my heavily-sequined Christmas sweater.