“The Mystery of the Chewed Shoe” was easily solved when one of the two primary suspects folded under the strain of interrogation.
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Word of advice to all the babies readying to leave the womb: Don’t.
Meets girl at bar.
Takes her to Ikea.Quickly learns the difference between one-night stand and one nightstand.
[at the drs]
Dr: are you sexually active?
Me: yeah
Dr: with real people
Me [avoiding eye contact & twisting my foot in the ground]: yip
If I’m guilty of anything it’s only of loving too much, insider trading, public indecency, treason, arson, jaywalking, piracy & cannibalism.
When you’re married, every kiss begins with, “Have you brushed your teeth yet?”
4 thinks the lead singer of Queen was Freddie Macaroni and he won’t be taking any further questions on this
Husband: What should we do today?
Me: It’s up to you.
Husband: Beach?
Me: No.
Husband: Movie?
Me: No.
Husband: Museum?
Me: No.
Husband: Then what do you want to do?
Me: I don’t care. You choose.
I’m 40 so binge-watching a series means falling asleep mid-episode and rewatching the same one over because I forgot what happened in the beginning.
I get more excited seeing my luggage on a baggage carousel than I do seeing a person I know.
why do people get so upset about bad haircuts. name one other problem that resolves itself quietly over time while you wait
BABY COW: [points at human] What’s that?
OLDER COW: That is a milk dracula
[Nightclub]
Me: *shouting over the loud music at the bartender* WHAT IS THE SOUP OF THE DAY
A grown man smelling like baby powder stood next to me today.
My maternal instincts have never been so confused.
3: *tries a new thing, screams and fights, finally does the thing, cries that he’s done
Absolutely no one:
3: that was SO MUCH FUN, we have to do it again soon!!!!
ive modified my phone to deliver electric shocks each time one of you unfollows me. The pain will make me kinder, humbler, and more powerful
Doctor: So, what are you using for birth control?
Me: Usually black socks with sandals. Sometimes tighty whiteys…
Tabasco is pretty much the worst hot sauce widely available but when you need Tabasco specifically nothing else will do
During this difficult time, I urge all parents to go through their children’s toys after they go to bed tonight and throw out any kazoos and whistles.
It’s too late for me, but PLEASE save yourselves!
[first day as a celebrity chef]
*Just a heartrending 40 minute montage of me struggling to get the potato masher out of the cutlery drawer*
What’s an appropriate gift for a gender reveal party? A personalized fire extinguisher?
This goddamn CVS receipt is taller than I am
no, no… I don’t want to be a burden
– me being a total burden
cell phones have two brightness settings: “dim” and “the messiah is back”
Vader: I’ll teach you the Death Star’s power
Leia: By blowing up my planet?
Vader: By showing you a PowerPoint presentation
Leia: NOOO!!!
Some will get it! Hmm 🤔?¿
Imma just leave this here…………
How to get out of jury duty: When they read the charges, yell out “Hell yeah! I’ve done that.”
[After winning an award]
Host: Is there anyone you would like to thank?Me *smiles at my wife and kids in the crowd as I lean into the mic* no
We’re gathered here today to mourn the loss of Derek. His last words were “Watch me try and keep my eyes open while sneezing!”
BOSS: Why aren’t these documents attached together?
ME: Sorry I couldn’t find my…[suddenly forgets the word stapler]…desk crocodile