Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

This guy thinks he can take my girlfriend home with him just because he bought her a few drinks and he’s married to her. Men.

Headed to a wedding but my wife said I’m not allowed to refer to the bride as ‘the veiled threat.’

I spent the entire summer before 6th grade obsessively playing world of warcraft and I felt so weird being like very clearly the only child in my guild so I pretended to be in my thirties with a boyfriend and everyone was so nice to me I ended up announcing my fake engagement.

After 17 years I can say with authority that the key to a long marriage is being too lazy to get up off the couch and set your spouse on fire

1 margarita: I tell you I love your hair.
2 margaritas: We take a selfie.
3 margaritas: I convince you that your apartment is haunted.

I said we supposed to be saving our money.

I tell my toddler to “ask nicely” and instead of saying please he whispers his demands and I’m not even sure that he’s wrong

I’m taking myself to the movies this afternoon. I’ll probably hold my own hand and flirt with myself too.
“No please, let me buy the m&m’s. You’re so thin.”

All I’m saying is, I’ve never seen my Ex and Satan in the same room together.

Patanjali salt label says it was created 250 million years ago from Himalayan rocks. Expiry is in 2018. Guess they dug it up just in time!😄

I have such a bad cold that when I breathe through my nose, it sounds like Marge Simpson sighing/expressing disapproval.

Remember when old printers would cope with running low on ink. They’d just work and work, creating ever-fainter images and text, until finally it was white on white.

Modern printers are like, “I CANNOT WORK LIKE THIS!” and then they email someone, trying to order their own ink.

*brings elephant to knife fight
*nobody talks about it

*bride and groom kiss*

minister: wow im like right here

DOCTOR: have you been drinking enough fluids?

ME: that’s literally all I drink

ME: [rubbing stomach after a big meal]

WAITER: please stop touching me

I’m sad… I’m gonna eat some feelings.

*6 hours later*

S.W.A.T. Leader: Sir, she’s eaten the feelings of the entire team! She… *static*

My cousins baby child keeps pointing at me and saying ‘cat’

If ya’ll had let everybody eat the Tide Pods when they wanted to they wouldn’t be out here licking the ice cream.

[watching my life flash before my eyes]

God: are you serious? how many times did you watch the office?

Dog: *Asleep
Dog: *Totally sleeping fam
Dog: *Don’t worry bout me
Dog: *Down for the night
Me: *Gets comfy in bed
Dog: *I gotta pee yo

I’m preparing for Halloween early by pretending not to be home every time someone knocks the door.

*gets arrested
*mug shot posted
*waits for modeling contract

I spent 5 min. in the dark trying to get my charger in my phone. I’m embarrassed & I feel like I owe some dudes from high school an apology.

Me: Ugh, no more wine! My face looks puffy!

Me, 20 minutes later: *sips a glass of wine while wearing gel face mask*

I really don’t believe all of these women on here are actually named “Sassy”

I asked my kid if his room was clean and that little shit cackled and asked Alexa if it was “Stupid Question Day”

Optimus Prime’s mom walking in on him while he’s carjacking

Got excited because I thought my wife bought ice cream at the store.
Eye cream. It was eye cream.

gas pump: do you want a receipt? Y/N
me: *presses yes*
gas pump:
me: *pressing harder* YES
gas pump: lol nope