Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I have just finished interviewing a young man for a job at my workplace.

I asked him, “Can you perform under pressure?”

He replied: “Im not sure, but I do an amazing Bohemian Rhapsody!”

Why hang Wanted posters in the post office? We’re not crime-fighting crusaders. We’re buying stamps.

When a meteorologist gets angry they storm out

Beards are a privilege, not a right

It’s been a weird day so I’m shaving my eyebrows off.

I was on a date and my credit card got declined. Her credit card got declined too. Then I knew I was in love.

Who named it “Viagra” …..
and not “Miracle Grow” ?

I’m sorry you never experienced someone getting so drunk, kidnapping a chicken and then fighting a stop sign, all in the name of love of you.

Daughter: It’s Halloween…let’s do something really scary.

Me: You’re in luck…I’m just about to do the bills.

There’s an old sheet of paper in the Batcave with “Carrier pigeons” “Carrier bats (??)” “Morse code” crossed out, and “Searchlight” circled.

Why’s it always “nyc smells like pee” and never “my pee smells like the greatest city in the world”

I would’ve been here sooner, but I was holding the door for a Canadian that insisted I go first.

In case anyone was wondering if I’m this bad in real life too

“Hi I’m here to interview for the branch manager position.”

“We’re only hiring tree trimmers.”

“That’s exactly what I just said.”

Hero horse inspires millions

FINE, I WON’T.

18 hasn’t had a haircut since the start of the pandemic, yesterday he let 20 cut his hair so he could donate it, today the post office lady asked what I was sending and I said a ponytail and not another word, anyway, I’m expecting to be on a list by end of day.

Hate when I zone out while someone’s talking to me and they have the nerve to ask me a question like I’m in 5th grade and they’re a teacher.

Every day I try to learn from the mistakes of people who took my advice.

I just want someone to make me feel like I did the first time I figured out a special move in Mortal Kombat.

So i said to Arnie “Where did you get those toilet rolls??”
He said “Aisle B, Back.”

Tired of not knowing if I should swipe my credit card, insert the chip or punch myself in the face.

You don’t even want to know what people have used the ice tongs in your hotel room for.

Two people behind me on the bus sound like they might be on a first date.
Him: What kind of restaurant do you fancy?
Her: Anywhere with a good vegan option.
Long pause.
Him: Cool.
Her: So, what do you do?
Him: I’m. A butcher.

*i look my lawyer dead in the face*
I said ask him.
*lawyer stands up*
Your honor my client would like to know where you got that robe.

Being a grammar perfectionist with big hamds and a small keyboard is the reason I have amger issues.

[ghost writes YOUR DEAD in condensation on bathroom mirror]
“My dead what?”
[ghost writes *YOU’RE]
AAHHHHHHHHHH!

I hate to rub it in, but lotion doesn’t really work otherwise.

[date]
Me: *ok don’t let her know I’m a bull*
Her: “so what are some red flags for you?”
Me: *sweating* “haha red flags? Where?”

Online dating has its good points. You can choose your own name, lie through your teeth and you can’t smell their breath.