Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

They say 9 or 10 is a good age to tell your kid they were adopted, but only IF they were adopted.

I’m 34 years old and I still don’t know what to do when the barber shows me the back of my head with that little mirror.

god (creating me): here’s the ability to be funny sometimes

me: omg thank you! so i guess i’ll be pretty happy then

god: LOL wow, you are funny

Every time someone thinks I’m younger than I am, an angel gets cake

They’ve got a tiger running loose in Atlanta and I won’t take out the garbage if there’s a moth on the screen door.

Manicotti implies the existence of Pedicotti.

My husband just came back from shopping all frisky and I know it’s not me, it’s Home Depot

“I’m a skeleton!”
*kisses and hugs you*
Stop that!
*kisses and hugs you again*
What kind of skeleton are you?!?
“An XO skeleton”

The sun isn’t even up yet but this seems like a good time to start yelling at the top of my lungs trying to find a girlfriend.

– birds

I feel bad for all the non-violent clowns who live in sewers

“So I go east? Then west? Then back east?”

~ Me, drunk and getting directions from the inflatable stick figure in front of a car dealership

Me, checking my to-do list before I had kids

*slowly unwraps a candy bar as neighbor talks about her new diet

I accidentally told my kid I paid for a toy “that Santa brought” and now I’m stuck in an elaborate web of lies please send help.

I stood on the scale with one leg in the air and still weighed the same wtf.

“Write this down.”
[Moses grabs tablet]
“Thou shalt not steal [raises eyebrow] where did you get that tablet from?”

Anyone have a recipe for chocolate covered strawberries?

To anyone who heard me yelling, know that I nicely asked my children 7x to get in their car seats, and they did everything but get in their seats.

Him: What? I couldn’t understand you.
Me: gnbkfshbffjjg
H: What?!
Me: GNBKFSHBFFJJG!
H: Damnit Aimee! Take the burrito out of your mouth!

Apparently when a trainer asks you why you want to stay in shape and you answer “revenge” it will raise a couple eyebrows.

[knocks on neighbor’s door]
HI CAN I COME TO YOUR YELLING PARTY

Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.

Of course I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand crows.

me: point taken lol

guy stabbing me: yeah see that right there is why this is happening

my name if I was in the mob

Silently watch someone from outside their house 34 or 35 times and suddenly you’re a “weirdo” and “I’m calling the police”

My daughter just asked me why can’t she just quit school.
I told her it’s against the law and I could go to jail for it.

She looked me in the eye and said….

“I’ll visit you”

Batman

Pros: Intelligence, strategist, master fighter, money, Shit shaped like bats, Alfred

Cons: Robin

Parenting articles always give the most obvious advice: “Trouble getting your kids up in the morning? Put them to bed earlier.” Give me something innovative like “Invest in an air horn. We like this one that has a built-in water sprayer, available at Amazon for $15.99.”

My EarPods died 5 minutes into my walk so I’m going home to watch TV. It was a sign. Exercise is stupid.