Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

being depressed is funny because tons of movies stop making sense. like why is that guy trying so hard to stay alive. i cannot suspend disbelief

Making French toast is a lot like making regular toast. The only difference is that you use your tongue.

I wonder how many new moms try to pick out a unique name for their baby only to later learn it’s the name of an antidepressant.

I’m not saying that asking your kids to clean will always make things worse, but I asked my 4yo to clean his muddy shoes and found him standing naked in a full bathtub polishing them with his toothbrush

Interviewer: “So why should we hire you?”

Me: “Cause I need a job very badly.”

Interviewer: “So?”

Me: “And you have a vacancy. BINGO”

I empty the recycling bin on my computer like someone’s actually gonna come along and say “ew gross this bin needs emptied”

if you have a dog and don’t greet it by singing “hello barkness, my old friend” then what’s the point

Tweet faster, America, things still aren’t fixed!

I remember when people just wanted to date someone with personality..but noOoo, now everyone’s gotta have multiple.

Dance like nobody’s watching except God, the NSA, and Santa Claus.

The older I get, the more I relate to those angry elderly people who go around biting others.

People on social media: Look at me! Look at what I’m eating! Give me attention!

People in cars: Why would anyone care that I’m about to turn?

You can’t mix skeleton and hellhound armies because the hellhounds will just bury the skeleton soldiers for later.

Partner: You had a beer, a glass of wine, a martini and now scotch. Pick one or you’re going to really pay for it tomorrow.

Me: I know. I can’t help it. It’s the alcorithm.

me: ahh vacation

brain: time to relax

me: no work

brain: well it’s still there

me: stop

brain: just… waiting

me: please

brain: g r o w i n g

me: no

Me to myself: This is annoying. This conversation is boring. This person is a moron. I hope I’m hiding it well.

Coworker: You said all that out loud.

A woman at work told me I had great energy which is entirely plausible as I just ate a lithium battery.

I don’t care what my husband says, technically he is a brother-in-law to my mom’s dog.

Now this is my first time cooking poisonous blowfish, so go easy on me.

I am the human equivalent of a junk drawer. I’ve got everything you need but nothing that you want and good luck finding what you’re looking for.

Saw a ‘Book Of Opposites’ at the store today and I couldn’t help but wonder why they didn’t call it a Contradictionary.

My current body type is you can sorta tell I work out, but you can also tell that I don’t turn down cake.

My favorite pizza place burned down last night so I guess this is the beginning of my weight loss journey.

🤣😂🤣😂🤣

when cоvid is over “mask off” will be the #1 song in the world and then we will finally understand why his name is future

Don’t have a house cat drive you to the post office. I know that now.

Not now, kids.

Daddy’s pretending to be a woman on the Internet

Wife and I saw a woman smiling on the street, carrying a baby while helping her younger child ride a tricycle, and the first thing we both said was, “Why the hell is she smiling?”

Things will get butter, keep churning

When did science get a monopoly on donated corpses? What if I want to donate my body to literature? Theater? Philosophy?