The name “Boeing” makes so much sense now considering it’s basically the sound of something hitting the ground and bouncing.
You Might Also Like
My daughter sat beside me on the bed with a granola bar, so I’m gonna get back at her by eating powdered donuts in hers.
Your face is perpetually itchy now that you’re not supposed to touch it.
It’s science.
*visiting Egypt*
“What the hell, they walk like everybody else!”
Life Hack: Let your toddler throw Cheez-Its down your heat vents so your house can smell like the home of your dreams
Brought twins to a corn maze & put them at 2 different points so people thought they kept passing the same row. The tricycles really sold it
babe wake up they’re canceling someone you’ve never heard of before
chews marshmallows with bovine intensity
I stopped a man on the street to give me directions and he politely asked ”you want to go somewhere?”. I have to admit I hesitated for a bit
This edible ain’t shit.
*5 minutes later
Is it just me or is it hungry in here?
Me: Make sure you close the bag.
My kids:
I have a lot of opinions for someone who is never completely sure of today’s date
Wow, my kids are decorating the heck out of this small lower left section of our Christmas tree.
WINDOWS: update? 🙂
ME: I can’t
WINDOWS: later? 🙂
ME: I don’t know if I—
WINDOWS: pwease? 🙂
ME: fine, later tho
WINDOWS: *immediately restarting* oops 🙂
If I could hop as high as a frog in relation to the size of my body that would not be a very safe or useful superpower but goddamn would it be fun
Fight
The pharmacy will look you straight in the eye with no line of people and tell you it will be 20-30 minutes for them to take some eye drops off the shelf behind them and put them in a little bag.
What I heard:
Wanna see who can outstink each other, pick ticks, worry about serial killers and fight bears for the good pooping spots?What they said: Want to go camping?
The reason I wrap my potato in tinfoil before baking it is so that the government can’t tell what the potato is thinking
[Last supper]
*breaks bread* This is my body
*pours wine* This is my blood
*plays Montell Jordan* THIS IS HOW WE DO IT
*Apostles go nuts*
Serial killers who work with a partner are called killaborators.
The problem with studying ancient Chinese art is I want some Mexican art a half an hour later.
orange in the 60s, mus in the 70s, poon in the 80s, wu in the 90s. – the history of tang
It’s not the destination that matters. It’s the snacks you eat on the way.
Treat her right or Pete Davidson will.
*panicking* 3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3
Someone forgot to pay the earths yearly subscription fee for “being ok” after the free trial ended.
Cinderella: [changing clothes after the wedding, removes one shoe]
Prince Charming: omg babe where did you go
Her: Sorry I’m late to work. I was talking to my husband and he wouldn’t stop listening.
me: [running from the police] you’ll never catch me!
cop: [unplugs the treadmill]
SHAGGY: hey Scoob you look like you have a bad case of updog
SCOOBY-DOO: rut’s updog
SHAGGY: not much what’s up with you man lol
SCOOBY-DOO: ruck rou Raggy