The name “Boeing” makes so much sense now considering it’s basically the sound of something hitting the ground and bouncing.
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Oh, please… A few us get together, shave our heads, turn our property and money over to a charismatic leader, and SUDDENLY it’s a cult!
Some people have no respect. It’s obvious I’m on my phone trying to do something & this guys all “STEP OUT OF THE CAR WITH YOUR HANDS UP!”
*reading law book* oh no I think I’m in a common law marriage with Taco Bell
The fact that there ain’t no rest for the wicked is probably why I’m always so tired
The urology match email should start with “Congrats, Ur-ine!!”
….I’ll see myself out….
me: what does that cloud look like to you?
her: please just open the parachute
So last night me and my husband went to a bar for our one month anniversary and did a lil sexy role play as strangers on a first date.
Later a woman pulled me aside in the bathroom to say “sorry but I was watching… It is so funny how much you hate that guy and he has no idea.”
Why is peter pan always flying?
He neverlands.
I like this joke because it never grows old.
It still works 🤷🏼♀️
I may be nodding and smiling, but I’m secretly diagnosing you.
A fun thing you can do when making a larger purchase like a TV or refrigerator is to ask if it’s snake proof, and immediately follow it up with “the fact that you’re hesitating is concerning to me”
My husband’s coming home from a trip, so I’m artfully placing dishes in the sink to look like I didn’t eat toast on a paper towel for 5 days.
Hello, I’m a professor in a movie, I only reach the main point of my lecture right as class is ending. Then I yell at students about the reading / homework as they leave.
My parents decided to test their marriage by going to IKEA today
[Asking for Sanctuary at the church]
Priest: your girlfriend finally heard that La Cucaracha horn you put on her car?
Me: yeah
[restaurant]
DATE: [clears throat]
ME: I’m sorry. [handing her placemat and crayons] Did you want to color too?
I like to send little notes in my kid’s lunchbox, like “Sorry the Wheat Thins are stale, that’s what happens when you leave the box open.”
Caught the neighbor kid teasing my dog, so his mom told me to yell at him any time I like.
I had a bad day, I’m gonna go see if he’s home.
Without telling me where you live tell me your social security number and mother’s maiden name.
If you’re not writing, that’s fine, but just know that someone else is. So, if you really want to be successful, figure out who it is and get them to stop.
Have kids so they can wake you at 2 a.m. yelling with what you think is a nightmare and your adrenaline spikes as you rush to their room worried and ready to console them but instead find out they’re just complaining that “it’s too boring in here”
Never play board games with someone whose bumper sticker says “Failure is not an option.”
[Commercial for the Pogo Stick]
Have you ever seen the inside of an E.R.? Want to?
If I plant a McRib can I grow a McWoman?
Guardians of the Galaxy was pretty good, I just wish they did a better job explaining which character was Groot
My front facing camera:
Me: I disagree.
Can’t. Typing a password into a tv.
-I heard this dog was chipped.
-Microchipped sir.
-I don’t care how small the chip is, I’m not paying full price.
911: What’s your emergency?
ME: SOMEONE STOLE MY COMMA.
911: When did you see it last?
ME: JUST BEFORE I SENT THE TWEET.
911: Where was it?
ME: IN FRONT OF THE “AND.”
911: Sir, that’s an Oxford comma.
ME: SO?!?
911: Well, they’re not really necessary.
ME: GO GET YOUR SUPERVISOR.
I Just Watched The Simpsons For The First Time. Bart’s Grades Are… Disturbing