The name “Boeing” makes so much sense now considering it’s basically the sound of something hitting the ground and bouncing.
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To the people complaining about my tweets. Sorry I’m not justifying your monthly subscription of $0
Spanish people feed their horses hay, but the naughty ones get George.
every year on my birthday i take a bite out of this windowsill bc i get so excited
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just got sacked from my job at a think tank for thinking about aeroplanes
GIRLS: if your boyfriend lives in a jar with a few pieces of grass, a leaf and a little twig. Congrats, you’re dating a bug.
Her: I’m sorry my baby keeps crying. He’s got teeth coming in.
Me: Well, don’t worry, I’ll sign for them…
Is he dead?
Is he dead?
Is she dead?
Is HE dead?
What about him?
Is SHE dead?
-My kids watching 80s music videos.
Comedians: if you’re not offending someone you’re not doing comedy right
Mitch Hedberg: I think Bigfoot is blurry, that’s the problem. It’s not the photographers fault and that’s extra scary to me because there’s a large out of focus monster roaming the countryside
While staying at hotels, I always ask for the oil stained parking lot view
I just volunteered to take 7 teens on a fishing trip. Who am I, and what does one fish for, besides compliments?
Some call it alcoholism, I call it “keeping my emotions hydrated”
Either Mercury is in retrograde or I made a series of poor choices that have since born fruit, but who can argue with the planets?
I’m sorry I pronounced your name wrong, because your mother ignored all laws of grammar in the English language
Negotiator: I need proof of life.
Kidnapper: *motions phone to me* They want confirmation you’re alive.
Me: *sighs* Does it count if I’m dead inside?
Negotiator: Um, this is really embarrassing, but the family changes their mind. Good luck.
Rambo Rambow
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Twitter showing me Versace ads like I didn’t just bring a cheese slice in my purse to Five Guys so I wouldn’t have to pay extra for it.
love how during intense moments in space-themed movies they’ll show the dashboard panels, as though you’ll be like ah. ah i see the issue
“LUKE CHECK OUT HOW HARD I CAN CRY”
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October’s cool because you can buy 60 Snickers, 48 beers, a hockey mask, chainsaw, 30 leaf bags and the cashier won’t even acknowledge it.
1970s: “Hey baby”
1990s: “Hey babe”
2014: “Hey bae”
2020: “Hey b”
2030: “All hail our glorious squirrel overlords”
What I wanted to do was look cute making dirt angels for Earth Day. What I did was ruin an entire outfit.
“Home Alone” and “Die Hard” are my top picks for celebrating Christmas in 2020. I’m not talking about movies.
Please don’t come to my garage sale if you’ve ever let me borrow something.
Girlfriend: Did you get all the dishes?
Her (actual) boyfriend: I think so
Me: *from the bushes outside* You missed a cup, Todd
Bruce Willis is relaxing by his pool. he’s got so much sunscreen on that he slowly slides off his lounger, out of the gate & down the road
Boxing is like a dance, a dance where you punch your dance partner until he doesn’t want to dance anymore.
Pinterest recipe so long that it’s now a limited series on Netflix.
How long can one listen to a kid talk before it’s officially considered a hostage situation?
*looks at the customer behind me in the checkout line*
“Wanna hold hands while we wait?”
Mowed the lawn yesterday with my shirt off and this morning there were 50 shirts left on my porch with a sign that said, “Please wear.”