The name Corey is short for Coriander. Coreys will try & tell you it’s not but they are lying.
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ME (wakes up from coma): whatve I missed
WIFE: Trump’s running for prez & the Cubs are favs to win the World Series
M: haha ok but srsly tho
Friend: any plans for the fall?
Me: do you meant autumn or civilization?
dentist: so, are you flossing?
me: are you using a unique password for every account?
[At Last Supper]
*Jesus raises bread*
This is my body
*raises wine*
& my blood
*pulls out 8 of Clubs*
& this is your card
*Apostles go nuts*
I borrowed $500 from a co-worker then paid a homeless guy $8 to kill him in a McDonald’s bathroom. I’m up $405 or whatever.
As I looked at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself:
“I’m going to get thrown out of this home depot in a minute.”
My niece asked me what it’s like to be an uncle, so we got a feral cat from a shelter, chased it around for a bit, then took it back.
My favorite adult hack is when I carefully and thoughtfully put something very important away so I can’t lose it and then I never find it again
No, I don’t need a bag; I’m gonna juggle this 12 pack, this bag of ice and this whole roasted chicken on my unicycle while whistling Dixie.
Nurse: Hi I’m Sandi I’ll be drawing your blood today.
Me: [not seeing a single red crayon] How?
imagine being Pierce brosnan in Mrs doubtfire, you’re dating a nice woman, her kids like you, it’s all great then one day you’re in a restaurant choking from anaphylactic shock and her drunk ex husband runs towards you in an old lady costume and you think how is this my life now
Fun Australian fact for you – An episode of the English show Peppa Pig has twice been pulled off air in Australia after being deemed inappropriate for Aussie children. The episode’s main message… “spiders can’t hurt you”
There are two types of people in this world: those who finish things
Good Morning.
and on the 6th day god created coffee so thee would not commit murder or some shit like that. amen.
Maybe pandas can eat more foods than bamboo but no one has ever offered them a Twizzler.
I’m like Pooh bear. I just want to eat, hang with my homies, and go around pantsless
Am I deceitful? Yes. I am not.
We should have 12 presidents, one from every zodiac sign
I’m learning how to do weight training by lifting dogs. I picked up a few pointers yesterday
A couple of weeks ago I replaced my work computer with an aquarium. If anyone asks, I say it’s my screensaver.
Doctor: Absolutely DO NOT take this medication with grapefruit juice.
Me: How about bourbon?
Doctor: Grapefruit juice will be fine
ME: Where are the posters?
WIFE: THEY JUST DISAPPEARED!
[In other room]
*cat is furiously stuffing missing dog posters into paper shredder*
Friend: hey man can you recommend a good book to prepare us for having a toddler?
Me: yeah try the Strange Case of Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde.
someone reached out to my manager not too long ago, asking to confirm a rumor that jason momoa and i were dating. my manager said “absolutely not” hahahha i was like damn! at least meet me half way and just say we did “over the clothes stuff”
Whomsoever named Big Bird really nailed it.
Walmart bathrooms is my favorite place for me to feel like I’m taking a piss on the set of the movie “Saw”
“Look at me at me when I’m talking to you, lady. Oh, no, no, not you, lady. I call my daughter lady. I’m so sorry.”
* me, in public on more than one occasion.
We brought home a betta fish, and I’ve officially spent more time deciding it’s name than I did naming the kids
I love that sexy thing you do, what’s it called again? Oh yeah, me.