Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Your shoes are on the wrong feet.
4yo: ..
Me: ..
4yo: ..
Me: ..
4yo: I don’t have any other feet..
Me: Fair enough.

Sometimes even letting your kids watch age-appropriate shows is a big mistake. Showed my kids The Flintstones, and my youngest asked what it was like living with a dinosaur. My 5-year-old pointed at the Flintmobile and said, “is that why your feet look like that?”

decorating my apartment

the pandemic has hit the spaghetti labor market especially hard

my wife and I watching Popeye together but she covers my eyes during the scary bits (when he goes all bulgy and gets belligerent)

*Googles myself*

“Oh so that’s why I didn’t get the job.”

Doctor: How did you get all those bruises?

Me: Rough sex

Doctor: That looks unhealthy and should stop

Me: Talk to your nurse about that

“Steak and Shake” great burgers and also a good way to kill baby vampires.

Try explaining to your kid why you’re taking a bath with a cucumber then come talk to me about your problems.

Only shaving the parts of my legs where the holes in my jeans show skin isn’t lazy, it’s efficient

Your lips say no, but your eyes say- oh shit she’s calling the cops!

(Age 22)
*chugs bottle of water*
Let’s shoot some more hoops!

(Age 42)
*chugs bottle of water*
I gotta pee.

I like when the rain is misty and you get to feel like a grocery store broccoli for a little while.

Girl in the locker room put her pants on the floor and tried to hop into them. I was going to call her awesomepants, but coma girl works too

[at the altar]
*leans in for a kiss*

Priest: the bride, sir

hoping jesus comes back soon, preferably on a monday, so we can get another holiday

Ahhh the sweet smell of Christmas

The worst part about re-watching Home Alone is you just know Kevin’s parents bought this house for like $250K.

I went to school with a girl named
Nonstick CookingSpray

We tried calling her Pam …
but it didn’t stick.

Hey don’t get mad at us just because Generation X got the cool nickname

I spend a lot of money at Sephora for someone who’s got access to filters

Some of y’all tweet about Mondays like it caught you by surprise

my roommate’s been really excited about how well one of her plants has been doing and idk how to tell her it’s a fake plant

Tell me again how your unborn child will not see a screen before she’s 8. I want to write down your exact words.

My husband wants to Facetime me while he’s in Germany. I’m like, it’s going to be a little awkward with my boyfriend in the background, but whatever.

I said I was mad at myself.
My 4yo son looked at me. “There are fancier words for mad,” he said, fixing my hair. “You should say irritated.”

Showed my 5yo some videos of mimes and explained mimes never speak and now we’re playing mimes don’t ruin this for us.

Thrilled that my 5YO started reading chapter books.

Terrified that she’ll find out the words, pages and chapters I skipped during bedtime routine

A late person is never happier than when the person they’re meeting is later than them

How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two: One to screw it almost all the way in and the other to give it a surprising twist at the end