The name Ella is short for Mozzarella
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I love how we all talk about The Last Supper painting & nobody mentions that all 13 of those guys were sitting on the same side of the booth
studying the Sphinx using Pharoahdynamics
another car tip: once a month, open the hood and rip out one thing. most of the engine is decorative and weighs down your car
The biggest mystery of our time
Probably just poor graphic design…
Still not gonna drink from it.
me: start from the beginning? oh, ok. Well, God created the heavens and the earth. And the earth was without form…
Police investigator: no, no, from just before your car got rear-ended
“There, there,” I say, resting her head on my shoulder
Surgeon: Sir, we’re going to need that back if we want any hope for reattachment!
If I have 5 apples and I give you 2 of them, just take the other 3 cause I’m going out for tacos
Divorce court is like regular court except the judge sentences you to freedom.
I just want what every middle-aged person wants: to remember what it was that I wanted
I’m willing to pay $2 to find out what the future is
My son said if a baby comes out feet first technically it wears its mom as a hat and I can’t unsee this.
Shrimp: My mom’s coming to visit
Starfish wife: Again?! The 3rd time this year?
S:She’s lonely
Wife: Oh grow a spi…
S: Grow a what, Karen?
So, a shipment of crickets for the lizard arrived via FedEx today. It was my first time ordering bulk crickets off the internet, and I naively assumed that they would be in like, a bag or some other contraption to facilitate easy transfer to another container. They were not.
Me: thanks duckter
Goose doctor: [fought years of discrimination to get to his position] how dare you
Wife: I’m thinking of taking the kids away for the weekend
Me: All of them?
Wife: Yes, both kids
Me: I meant all of the weekends
Wife:…..
I buy my shoes three sizes too big so if I run into a clown posse I’ll have automatic street cred.
me: [tells joke]
son: I don’t get it
me: well ur mom told me a joke once and it took me 9 months to get it
ME: I have to jet to the office real quick after breakfast, so—
FAMILY: We have a JET?!
ME: I meant—
FAMILY: Can we ride in the jet?
ME:
FAMILY: Is the jet invisible?
ME: Yes, that is definitely the case
Weird old lady in the elevator complimented my thongs. I was disgusted. Hours later that I realized she was talking about my sandals.
What do you mean they lied? Pfft. You can’t lie on the internet.
Tom and Jerry fooled me into thinking dogs bullied cats when it’s the opposite in reality
i married for love
but the obvious side benefit of having someone around to find my glasses cannot be ignored
I always wanted to be just like Flo Rida. That’s why I changed my name to “New Ham Sure”
Dear Diary—
Today’s the day! I’m going to go up to that cute barista and say: “ALEX! MY NAME IS ALEX! WHERE DO YOU COME UP WITH ‘ARVIN’?! IS THAT EVEN A REAL NAME?!”
I used to think it would be cool to be able to read other people’s minds.
Then I joined Twitter and got over that real quick.
My heart hurts when you’re not around
*buuurrrrpp*
Never mind
As the pair of scissors steps up to the starting line, the other runners quickly realize that this race just got a whole lot more dangerous.
I drink coffee because I don’t think I would do well going to prison for murder.