The name Ella is short for Mozzarella
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“Right, whose round is it?”
Translation: It is not my round and I know whose round it is.
I like eating Nerds because I’m secretly hungry for aquarium gravel and this takes the edge off.
*Batman pulls up to drive-thru*
“Large fries.”
“We’re serving breakfast sir.”
*destroys speaker with batarang*
“And I’m serving justice.”
I thought I brushed my hair before I left for work, but the mirror in the office bathroom has a different opinion.
receptionists will look u straight in the eye and ask if ur available in 5 months and 18 days
Copy Editor is a rewording career.
what’s the point then??
who thought of the name? he did? okay, hang on {calls out to the cubicles} craig, can you come in here for a sec!
History fun fact:
In the Middle Ages, anyone could get a concealed carry permit. You never knew who might have a trebuchet tucked under their coat or a siege tower in their pants. Dangerous times.
just weaponized “with all due respect” at my condo board. and now we wait.
College football is great bc every guy on the field is the best football player to come out his HS in years or perhaps ever but then you get a matchup where one of the guys is a future 9x Pro Bowler & the other guy is a future litigation attorney and thats when the magic happens
Marry the person who looks at you the way a Labrador looks at a tennis ball…obsessed, slightly crazed and probably drooling a little.
Never trust a vegetarian who eats animal crackers
Moms 2007: I don’t know why you text LOL when you aren’t literally laughing
Moms 2017: Cry face emoji, clapping hands, three monkeys
Normalise screaming “404 ERROR” and sprinting out the room during conversations you want to end
saw some family i haven’t seen in 30 yrs & now i’m good for another 30 yrs
Sometimes when I’m driving I’m overcome with an urge to run into an overpass pillar. Anyway, I’m Kris & I’ll be your Uber driver.
Pretend you’re a kangaroo by sticking a photo of your child out of the top of your trousers.
I rarely follow anyone blindly on twitter..
1. I read your bio
2. I enlarge your avi
3. I read a few of your tweets
4. I look thru your photos
5. I Google you
6. I drive by your house
7. I make my decision
[First Day Working At The Zoo]
Me: Well I got the pandas to have sex. It was super easy.
Boss: They actually mated with each other?
Me: Oh not with each other
People don’t disappear in the Bermuda Triangle like they used to.
Has anyone tried switching it off and back on again?
And now…a ‘joke’.
“WAITER! I’d like to complain about my lion pie”
“What seems to be the problem, madam?”
“It’s ROAR in the middle”
“Apologies, madam. I shall bring you the menu so you can choose an alternative MANE course”
*coughs*
The Dalai Lama: Do not let the behavior of others destroy your inner peace
Parents with kids of all ages: hahahaha yeah ok
If I ever get married, throw mozzarella cheese, not rice.
I have no words
~me when I have lots of words, none of which you probably want to hear
The cats activated the rainbow portal again
When your girlfriend says “I love you” reply with “I love you more!” Because relationships are competitions that must be won.
ME: Whats the name of that thing that holds beer and keeps it chilled?
WIFE: Cooler
ME: *lights cigarette and runs my fingers through my hair* What’s the name of that thing that holds beer and keeps it chilled, babe?
Why is “goodnight” one word, but “good morning” a lie?
*wakes up at the crack of Dawn*
*instantly regrets drunk dialing Dawn last night*