@NoTheOtherJohn

The name “groundhog” suggests the presence of sea and skyhogs and I am not sure how I feel about that.

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@simoncholland

When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.

@The_JRM

I sometimes lie awake and wonder how much useful information I’ve left out of my brain to make room for these Hanson songs.

@nappydolemite

Living well is the best revenge. Hitting them with your car is a close second, though.

@markedly

Friend: Dude, you need to get into her pants.
Me: [imagining how soft her leggings would feel over my thighs] YES

@The_MartiniGirl

Pretty sure I just did some classical ballet move as I got off the computer chair to get to the kitchen and saw a spider on my floor.

@Donna_McCoy

If you add enough jalapeños no one will ever know you’re a bad cook.

@Annoyedworld

I suck my stomach in when ever I weigh myself!nnIt doesn’t make me weigh less but at least I can see the numbers!

@jwoodham

“You have a date? With who?”
[Sees a fishing boat]
“Uh, her name is Net…”
[Sees someone with a booger]
“Flicks! Net Flicks! Wait. Dammit.”

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@priya_ebooks

o yeah u love women??? name their last three albums. thought so. u don’t listen to women