@NoTheOtherJohn

The name “groundhog” suggests the presence of sea and skyhogs and I am not sure how I feel about that.

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@SwedishCanary

I’ve spotted six Pokémon today but I don’t have the Pokémon GO app so it may just be that I need my new meds adjusted.

@MartinPilgrim1

A lady got off the train so I finished her crossword. Turns out she’d just gone to the toilet and now she’s back and she hates me.

@TrueTorontoGirl

Cop: Have you been drinking or are you on any drugs?
Me: Whoa, one question at a time, dude.

@ArfMeasures

Boss: If you fall asleep again today, I’ll fire you

Me: ok

Boss: Now go and do the sheep inventory

Me: oh no

@KentWGraham

In our house, we have mandatory family time where the four of us can only text each other.

@jazz_inmypants

Flight Attendant: u are sitting in an exit row. do u agree to assist in the event of an emergency

Me: yes

[later]

Guy behind me: I gotta go to the bathroom it’s an emergency

Me wearing a neck pillow: [eyes open]

@elliepeek

I feel like dry shampoo is the equivalent of unicorn blood for hair—it will keep it alive, but it will be a half-life, a cursed life…

@TheBoydP

I had a bowl of Cap’n Crunch cereal for the first time in a long time last weekend. The roof of my mouth should be healed in a few days.

@wokkax3

I appreciate a dentist who accepts “I didn’t really expect to live this long” as the answer to why I haven’t been properly taking care of my teeth.

@jazmasta

When my doctor first diagnosed me with overly inquisitive syndrome I had a lot of questions.