I’ve spotted six Pokémon today but I don’t have the Pokémon GO app so it may just be that I need my new meds adjusted.
The name “groundhog” suggests the presence of sea and skyhogs and I am not sure how I feel about that.
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A lady got off the train so I finished her crossword. Turns out she’d just gone to the toilet and now she’s back and she hates me.
Cop: Have you been drinking or are you on any drugs?
Me: Whoa, one question at a time, dude.
Boss: If you fall asleep again today, I’ll fire you
Boss: Now go and do the sheep inventory
Me: oh no
In our house, we have mandatory family time where the four of us can only text each other.
Flight Attendant: u are sitting in an exit row. do u agree to assist in the event of an emergency
Guy behind me: I gotta go to the bathroom it’s an emergency
Me wearing a neck pillow: [eyes open]
I feel like dry shampoo is the equivalent of unicorn blood for hair—it will keep it alive, but it will be a half-life, a cursed life…
I had a bowl of Cap’n Crunch cereal for the first time in a long time last weekend. The roof of my mouth should be healed in a few days.
I appreciate a dentist who accepts “I didn’t really expect to live this long” as the answer to why I haven’t been properly taking care of my teeth.
When my doctor first diagnosed me with overly inquisitive syndrome I had a lot of questions.