@NoTheOtherJohn

The name “groundhog” suggests the presence of sea and skyhogs and I am not sure how I feel about that.

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@usagiboiz

i’d give up everything to be a small anthropomorphic woodland animal wearing victorian clothes living in a little house in a meadow and my neighbour is a goose wearing a bonnet and my only worry is will my apple pie be ready for when mrs owl comes visit me for tea time

@RobinMcCauley

Can’t stop thinking about really disturbing things today, like what if they had called him Illinois Jones.

@DumbConfessions

[in Paris]

Will you have sex with me?

“No monsieur.”

Okay, like, I don’t speak French. BLINK ONCE FOR NO AND TWICE FOR YES.

@Kendragarden

If I’m ever possessed, I hope the demon remembers these curls need product to bounce.

@markhoppus

I left some avocado toast out on the front porch and in the morning Iโ€™d caught three millennials. Paid off their student loans and released them back into the wild. Good kids.

@Reverend_Scott

*bark*

“What’s that Lassie?”

*bark bark*

“Timmy’s stuck in a loveless marriage with an overly critical wife?”

*bark*

“Ooh, dinnertime.”

@SortaBad

Me: how old is your daughter?
Person: she’s 31 months
Me: ok but like how old in minutes?

@ArfMeasures

Me *sees boy at school* ugh that kid over there is so annoying

Teacher: I agree but you still need to take him home

@CyrusOMerican

Excerpt of my Google searches today:
7:07am Did the curve flatten yet
7:54am Did the curve flatten yet
8:12am Did the curve flatten yet
8:14am Did the curve flatten yet
9:33am Did the curve flatten yet
9:48am Cheddar Bay biscuits delivery
9:49am Did the curve flatten yet