The name “groundhog” suggests the presence of sea and skyhogs and I am not sure how I feel about that.

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When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.


I sometimes lie awake and wonder how much useful information I’ve left out of my brain to make room for these Hanson songs.


Living well is the best revenge. Hitting them with your car is a close second, though.


Friend: Dude, you need to get into her pants.
Me: [imagining how soft her leggings would feel over my thighs] YES


Pretty sure I just did some classical ballet move as I got off the computer chair to get to the kitchen and saw a spider on my floor.


If you add enough jalapeños no one will ever know you’re a bad cook.


I suck my stomach in when ever I weigh myself!nnIt doesn’t make me weigh less but at least I can see the numbers!


“You have a date? With who?”
[Sees a fishing boat]
“Uh, her name is Net…”
[Sees someone with a booger]
“Flicks! Net Flicks! Wait. Dammit.”




o yeah u love women??? name their last three albums. thought so. u don’t listen to women