A travel of a thousand miles starts with a solo government-charged full-body cavity search at the airport.
You Might Also Like
Enough with emails already. I’m only conducting business communication by Snapchat from now on.
[Life Pro Tips]
when considering crime, avoid anything that could add the prefix “international” to charges
Just another unrealistic body expectation for women
People say ‘bullshit’ like their shit is so high and mighty.
Previously On Persistence 😎
Around my neighborhood I’m affectionately known as “Please stop taking pictures of my flowers you weirdo.”
cyclists
Rose petals are expensive.
Just throw Doritos all over the bed.
ME: hey buddy you should wear a mask
CLARK KENT: but the glasses have been working fine
[Hoth Rebel Base]
Leia: How’s Skywalker?
Han: He was nearly frozen when I found him.
Leia: And, now?
Han: Lukewarm.
Leia: …
Han: Hehehe
[trying to climb out of beanbag chair] Divorce?
I need Apple to develop a slurred speech to text feature.
taking lessons in close up magic so when my kids are teenagers I can “impress” all their friends
I’m so glad we could finally reconnect after all these years because I’d really like your help on my virtual farm.
triscuits are the perfect snack for anyone who has ever wanted to eat wicker furniture
[marketing meeting]
Boss: so what did we come up with for these little pieces of potato?
The Witch from Hansel and Gretel: Tater children
Some people exercise every day.
I’m trying to teach my self-cleaning oven to do the rest of the house.
Me: I’ll be there in five minutes
Pharmacist: It should be ready
Me: *time travels ten years to the future, goes to store*
Mutant Insect Pharmacist: It’ll be another fifteen minutes
Me: I KNEW IT
Why do I keep paying the bills? It just encourages them to send more.
Ten million people accused me of exaggerating today.
I’m just a girl reading the news in KYIV like “Kentucky four.”
MEDIC ALERT BRACELET:
Do not resuscitate. Erase the selfies on my phone or I will Amityville your house.
Christmas is always stressful for my family but I refuse to stop giving my brother’s wives bras
Her: Sure! I’d love to go out with you
Me: Noice.
Her: I just remembered I’m busy that day.
That awkward moment when the poltergeist in the TV calls you by the wrong name.
“Why do you wanna work at Clickbait Enterprises?”
Here’s 10 reasons why I should get the job
“ok”
Number 7 will shock you
“You’re hired”
ME: (signing) What color are apples?
BOBO THE GORILLA: (signing) Please free me from this prison
ME: (writing) Still struggling with colors
Me: How would you feel about me dating a guy only 7 years older than you?
My Son, then 18: Depends. What kind of video game system does he own? Will he let me borrow it?
Me:
My Son: Does he own a motorcycle & will he let me drive it?
Me:
My Son: Can I call him “New Dad”?