“The name is Bond, Ja-”
– “Savings Bond?”
“No”
– “Chemical Bond?”
“NO!”
– “Autobahn?”
“You know you’re totally ruining this for me”
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I’m a regular guy just like you. I put my pants on one leg at a time while thinking about how far I could throw each kind of bird while it sleeps.
Promises made to get to a toilet is who you really are
am dying at this guy in the abercrombie&fitch netflix documentary explaining the concept of a shopping mall
Last night, I spent 15 minutes at a party waiting for a man to move closer to a woman he was hitting on so I could reach behind him for Fritos
My tacos arrived with a fork on the plate. I can only guess it’s there to stab potential taco thieves.
interviewer: where do you see yourself in five years
me: you handing me an nda and a big pay out to walk away
Woke up to find my cat and Nicolas Cage in my living room with a stolen Declaration of Independence, lemon juice, and a blow dryer.
Feeling sorry for cannibals who are social distancing.
No handshakes…
just cold shoulders.
Daddy Longlegs: Proof you need to settle your inner demons before naming animals.
Look, ice cream has eggs in it, therefore it is a breakfast food.
*Unplugs your smart car to charge phone
“Are the cops gone?”
“Yeah.”
“Thanks buddy, I owe you one.”
Caveman1: look, I invent wheel
Caveman2: what we do now?
Caveman1: wait for Jesus to take wheel
Caveman2: dum dum Jesus not invented yet
If you excel at something, people love it until they don’t. But you won’t know when that will be until after you take out a mortgage.
The way my mom slapped the TV remote not only did it start working it gave up its dreams and is studying to become an engineer
detective: dammit *slams fist on table* tell me where he is
me: [confidently] the Fourth of July picnic
detective: but where exactly?
me: *holding where’s waldo book* oh i’m gonna need more time
*puts on workout clothes*
*opens a jumbo size bag of Doritos*
Fake assault rifles that just have a ‘bang’ flag come out should be called JK-47s
What I said: Brush your teeth.
What my 4yo heard: Use the toothbrush to clean the bathroom floor.
Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me.
Fool me 53 times a day, you’re an Instagram filter.
A dating app for people who are way too into cookies, called Crumble
My husband surprised me by taking the day off. I guess today is the day he finds out we’ve actually had a cleaning company for the last 5 years.
“His house was clearly on fire but he thought he had time to hit the snooze button just once.”
-an obituary
Me: I once ate undercooked chicken at a restaurant for months because I didn’t want to upset the server.
Them: Why…why didn’t you just stop ordering the chicken?
Me: Hindsight is 20/20, David.
Don’t you hate when the whole bus is empty, but some guy sits right next to you? I know you do. That’s why I do it.
🐱: “She’s injured, now is the time to strike!”
“I’m scared of thunder and vacuums but this beehive full of killer bees looks delicious.”
– Dogs
In 1508, the French town of Autun sued all the local rats for eating crops. The rats’ lawyer successfully argued that as the rats might encounter dogs or cats on the way to defend themselves in court, the trial was unfair.
Boycotting the Winter Olympics because it’s too frickin’ cold.
Me: *gives a detailed explanation of the law based on 20 years of experience as an attorney*
Female client: My husband said the exact opposite of what you told me.
Me: Where did your husband go to law school?
Client: He didn’t.
Me: So you should probably just do what he says.