Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

every day of my adult life I am grateful that I had only limited ways to put my ideas on the internet as a young person

Extra car key
Extra house key
Extra storage unit key
Key to an extra apartment with a liquor cabinet

– Keys to a successful relationship

This is Diego. He likes to take the scenic route up the stairs. 13/10

The only thing worse than sitting down on a cold toilet seat is sitting down on a warm toilet seat.

millennials had years of computer classes where it was drilled into us “THE INTERNET IS FOREVER” and “DON’T OPEN SPAM EMAILS” and “CITE YOUR SOURCES” and then boomers were given internet access like tossing keys to a drunk and telling them to have fun.

*gets a Fitbit for Christmas*

*puts it on a squirrel*

I’d pay someone to push me out of pictures when I’m drunk.

Happiness is…

finding your drunk uncle’s change in the couch cushions after he leaves.

toddler: How do you spell “Elmo”?
me: “E”
toddler: “E” like “elephant”
me: Very good! “L”
toddler: “L” like “elephant”
me:
toddler:
me: “M”
toddler: “M” like “elephant”
me: Shit
toddler: “Shit” like “elephant”

Especially if it’s THAT one … 🤣

Cheetos are like baby carrots that you can eat.

Morpheus: You’re The One Neo
Neo: You’re sure?
M: I’ve known for some time
N: *leans in for the kiss*
M: WHOA, that’s not what I meant bro..

February
20°
NW Ohio

In a 2 acre parking lot, a bird manages to find my windshield.

When are they going to drug test the audience of “The Price Is Right.”? No one should be that happy.

My 7yo twins informed me when they grow up they aren’t going to have kids, they want to travel the country in a motor home and take homeless children off the sidewalk.
I guess it’s time for the ol “kidnapping is frowned upon” talk.

Welcome to Alzheimer’s Club
I see a lot of new faces today

Seismologists are loyal to a fault

Cooking oats with oat milk always feels like cannibalism and I’m not even an oat

I don’t think Harambe would have wanted this

My teen doesn’t like how her sister cleaned the bathroom and told her to do it again, so I’m like who died and made you boss?

Quick! Everyone on Facebook is at church! Let’s go steal all their shit!

These 3D printers are insane!

My ultimate dream is to move back home, open up a bar and run it with all of my friends, and then burn it down for the insurance money

I decided to ignore idiots, now I just need to find something to do with all this spare time.

5 yo me: Throw my ducky in the bath
15 yo me: Throw on some tunes while im in the bath
30 yo me: Throw the toaster in while im in the bath

Me: Another bucket of wine please.
Waiter: You mean a new bottle in an ice bucket?
Me: No.

Hubby: You were grumpy yesterday.
Me: So, you’re grumpy every day.
Hubby: At least I’m consistent.

Son: What’s for dinner?
Me: Cake.
Son: Yay! I want cake!
Me: What are the magic words?
Son: I LOVE YOU MORE THAN I LOVE MOM.
Me: Here ya go.