“The name’s And The Giant Peach. James And The Giant Peach.”
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Me: Goddamn this mac and cheese is crunchy
Wife: You’re supposed to cook it
I don’t like being asked “are you at home?” Please expand further so I can know whether I’m at home or not.
” I need you ”
– Me in the toilet roll aisle
(during sex)
Don’t move! Don’t move! A pickle and the second of my two all-beef patties is stuck in your hair.
Took my toddler for a long walk like a goddamned super mom…lost his stroller in the creek like the mom I actually am.
I don’t watch the news because anchors don’t shuffle papers anymore
I like to send homemade gifts to people.
Which one of my kids do you want?
I didn’t know they can drive…
those birds must be on payroll
The only difference between an outpatient mental health facility and a bar is the lighting.
If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a thousand times: “I can’t keep track of how often I say things.”
Start replying with “In this economy!?” anytime anyone asks you to do anything. It’s legit.
I used to wonder what it’d be like to read other people’s minds.
Then I got a Twitter account, and I’m over it.
some Old Testament wisdom
If you’re thinking about getting married just know you can ruin the next eighteen years of your life for a lot less money by buying a cockatiel instead.
fireman: dear god… your face
me: i wasn’t in the building
I went to a friend’s house and she happened to have a scale so I weighed myself and guess what I don’t like that friend anymore
Jimmy Fallon always looks like he’s waiting for you to open a gift he’s convinced you’ll absolutely love.
If a really late person marries a really early person they’ll produce an on time child. In theory.
mr sandman / bring me some beans
(bum bum bum bum)
I’ll take some refried, lima, pinto, or green
Child: [crying]
Me: OMG WHAT’S WRONG?
Child: My science grade dropped to a B+!
Me [who at the age of 53 learned that a lamb is a baby sheep and not a completely different animal]: Well you’ll just have to try harder.
“Babe I’m ready for bed”
“Why so early its the weekend?”
[background]
“Next up Channel 6 News reveals Ashley Madison’s local business men”
If her last two boyfriends died in mysterious car explosions, you may not want to heart-eyes emoji her friend’s selfie.
Me: We appreciate things to the extent that we’re deprived of them. To put it another-
Wife: You ate my chocolate cake, didn’t you?
Me: Yes.
Just realized that my spirit animal is Winnie the Pooh.
Two words: No pants.
So my 6 year old neighbour is like Uncle B do you like fruits
I say yeah I do…
And kid’s like I brought you fruit 💀
Anyway what does one do with an unripe paw paw
“Is that a serial killer downstairs or just my pet?”
– the fun game that all cat owners get to play at 3am
one thing that has not changed at all from childhood to adulthood is how worried you need to be when your mother is addressing you by your full name
The part right before bench pressing when you’re laying down but not lifting is so good
Me: didn’t you wear that shirt yesterday?
Son: yes, didn’t we have chicken for dinner yesterday?
Touché kid