The name’s Bond, James Bond. And you are?
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Sketch Artist: describe the man who attacked you
Me: he had dark hair-
Sketch Artist: one sec the Peanuts Character Creator is still loading
I’M MAKING A SECOND POT OF COFFEE, IF ANYONE WANTS ME TO PAINT THEIR HOUSE.
If you’re responsible for the fruit tray, then your family has zero faith in your culinary skills
People swimming in rivers: brrr it’s so cold in this water I hate it
Ohioan swimmers, very clever, setting their river on fire to warm it up first: 🔥🌊😎🌊🔥
my family doesn’t like that i’m in a permanent bad mood after they made it a priority group project to put me in a permanent bad mood
Why did the Fresh Prince have to take a cab anyways? How shitty was that family that no one would pick him up from the airport?
Apparently my aunt is doing some damage control after a crucial signage mistake
“Hey, wanna lie to each other over cups of coffee?” – First dates
Them: Just act casual
Me:
How many mission impossible movies must there be before they admit that the missions are actually kinda doable?
Weather app: The dew point is 20.
Me, being lazy: The do point is 0.
I love strippers. They’re awesome. Plus I can’t get my girlfriend to do shit for a dollar.
“If people work from home, how will I socialize?” You will have to go into the forest, bribe an old witch & have her summon new friends for you like the rest of us have to
Please make sure your kid’s middle name pairs well with their first name because you’ll be yelling that combo more than you think.
When I die I’m going to donate my body to the Humanities. I don’t want some STEMlords poking around inside my organs. I would much rather have a bunch of English majors & MFA candidates just sort of have at it & do what they see fit with my corpse. Lord knows they have so little.
Are “authorities” ever not ” baffled?”
ten writing rules
1. find exactly the right place to sit
2. better get coffee also
3. turn off the internet we’re WRITING
4. but i have a question only the internet can answer
5. more coffee!
6. maybe i got an important email
7. how is the coffee shop closing
8. oh no
microsoft: want to make this a trusted document?
me: yes
[next time opening the document]
microsoft: what the hell is this. i’m scared
I love when a sandwich is cut in half. You finish the first half and you’re sad because you’re out of sandwich. Then you look down and there is more.
Yesterday, Trump spoke to two female American astronauts while they were in space. Not only did they make history being the first crew to perform an all-woman spacewalk, they also made history by being the first women to speak to Trump at a distance that was probably pretty safe.
nooOOO now I have to dunk my phone in water!!!
What do you remember most from your first sex ed class? I remember Mrs. DeBlasio, the school secretary, telling us to never believe a guy who said he couldn’t wear condoms because they were too small and then she stretched one over her head like a ski mask as proof.
I didn’t choose this melted cheese and tortilla chip life, it na-chose me
*me, at the bank, looking around in child-like wonderment*
so, this is where my 12 dollars lives
Bart Simpson is bad for this country of America
I’m gonna start cursing people out but with biblical phrases like I hope your crops wither and bear no fruit and the ravens eat your mustard seeds
Don’t go around saying you hate all people. Attractive people who have a lot of money are really lovable.
Sorry not sorry.
Q. Why did the ghost’s dessert come back when he threw it?
A. It was a boo meringue
Not reading the replies to this
universe: you deserve a break
me: wow thanks
universe: *winks*
me: *tumbles down the stairs*