Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Men statistically have larger brains than women, which is why men are usually smarter and elephants rule us all from their laser-hovercraft

(1st day in heaven)

Angel: STOP ASKING EVERYBODY WHAT THEY DIED OF

20s: There are three people? I’m not going to the party

40s: There are three people!! I’m not going to the party

My chess strategy is to make a bunch of erratic moves at the beginning to throw my opponent off, & then lose the game

And in conclusion, may I say that black robe is very slimming on you, Your Honor. And I’ve never seen a bigger gavel.

The only Plato I care about is a big Plato spaghetti

I’m pregnant, during the holidays, during a never-ending pandemic. The next medical professional who makes me step on the scale better be prepared with some tissues and a sugar free lollipop to cheer me up.

[1st date]

date: …you said you had abs

me: [squints] everyone has abdominal muscles, Susan

Sorry for levitating at the end of your bed all night, I just think you’re really cute

Every millennial is obsessed with We Bought a Zoo because the idea of being able to buy any property at all is insane to us.

I love you…

…r dog.

Some mistakes you only make once, like sniffing your kids’ clothes to see if they’re dirty or clean

Drunk on Twitter: Omg what an awesome idea!

Morning after on Twitter: Jesus Christ I’m gonna have to leave here now.

Yes, your cat is waiting for you in heaven. Hm? Yes, he will ignore you there too.

Don’t crossbreed an owl with a duck,
The offspring is naught but a schmuck,
You might start overjoyed,
But you’ll soon be annoyed,
By all the incessant wise quacks.

yeah i’d have thought so, he’s a cat

What is your favorite movie where Tom Cruise runs really fast?

My teenager at school drop off: “DON’T say anything when I get out of the car”

*door opens*

BYE MY SWEETUMS! SHARE PENCILS, NOT GERMS!

*taps on your head*

“Is this think on?”

I don’t mean to brag, but I do all my own auto repairs.
*turns up volume*
SEE! THE RATTLING SOUND IS COMPLETELY GONE!

What do you call a cappuccino with an old friend?

A catchupino.

#RubbishJokes

Meet coffee….
This was my hot friend I was telling you about.

I don’t mind that you leave me a voicemail, but can you finish your sandwich first?

[1st date]
“I’m really into roll playing,” I tell her with a wink, and make two pieces of complimentary bread pretend to kiss.

Deciding which personality is going to respond to an email

People think doing meth makes you lose weight but actually it’s the climbing buildings and ripping out the plumbing

[grocery store, frozen aisle]

Me: *inhales, stretches arms high*
Ommmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm

Clerk: ma’am are you doing yoga?

Me: oh no, I’m just trying to reach dinner peas

Me: I’ve lost the dictionary

Her: Can you look upstairs?

Me: I can’t look up anything

My husband said he bought the toupée for me, but then got upset when I put it on. I dont get men.

I don’t remember taking this vow of celibacy.