Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Skeletons are a weird costume cuz you already got one of those in your body you’re pretty much a bone oreo with skin frosting dude

I get it, McFlurry machine. I don’t work when I’m at work either.

My toddler held my hand all the way to the bathroom, gave me a kiss when I sat down, then stole my toilet paper roll and ran out of the bathroom laughing in case you were wondering what it’s like to be a parent.

You might hate the last couple of years but no one hates it more than people named Alexa

Me: *giving myself a little pep-talk to remind myself I’m doing my best*

Everyone Behind Me on the Fire Escape: *not really super supportive*

A bunch of bras is called a support group.

Thanks for following.

When I say the word ‘laboratory’ I quietly say it like a mad scientist in my head: la-bore-ra-tori

Sex therapist: Try swapping positions tonight
Me: ok

[Later]
Her: Wanna have sex?
Me: No thanks

MyFitnessPal:

“If every day were like today, in 5 weeks, you’d weigh…”

ONE METRIC TON!!

Me: I need a four-letter word for identical

Her: same

Me: okay then I’ll get the thesaurus

I walk into the store thinking man I look good today and then the self-checkout security camera had to go and point out that I actually look like Squidward

No haunted houses for me this year. If I wanna be frightened I’ll just look at my 401k.

Beautiful woman who approaches my friend: Hey! You’re the father of one of my kids
Friend: Listen I got a good life, we both agreed it was a one time thin-
Woman: I’m his English teacher

Before airplanes were invented, it took approximately a week to feed babies because the parents had to walk the spoon into their mouths.

You ever stop and think about how lucky your friends are that you put so much effort and care into the memes you send them

Fact: If you ever blow me a kiss, I’m catching it and sticking it down my pants.

Holiday cards, when you care enough to let friends, family, customers & clients see how your handwriting hasn’t improved since fourth grade.

“If Bernie doesn’t get the nom, I’m voting Trump.”
“Also, if McDonald’s is out of chicken nuggets, I’m going to eat 20 scorpions.”

I hang crystals in my window as a warning to other crystals

You know what I’m hoping is in my Easter basket this year?

A nap.

(Just kidding. Moms don’t get baskets.)

(Or naps.)

babe what’s wrong you’ve barely touched any of your triceramisu

Me: *throwing random stick outside* Damn kids.

[LATER]

Husband: Where’d my stick go?

I’m quite sure if Adam had offered Eve a donut, that whole Garden of Eden thing would’ve gone in an entirely different direction.

Silicon valley: here’s an app that can show you what you’d look like as a manatee

Me: can I please have cell phone service in the elevator?

Silicon valley: no.

Arm falls off

Wife: You don’t drink enough water.

[first day selling houses]

me: shits about to get realty

Hiding an engagement ring in a hot dog is harder than you think

[someone attempts to speak to me]
ME: *to self, but at a completely audible volume* okay, remember your training

date: you look nice

me: well you look very [peeks at thesaurus under the table]…ornate

what’s a not gay way of asking your bro to pose shirtless for a pic that you’ll silkscreen on a body pillow?