The name’s Bond, James Bond. And you are?
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Some lady on The Price is Right just won a brand new 2016 Epi-Pen.
I made the mistake of smelling one of my 6yo’s socks to see if it was dirty. I will now just assume all socks are dirty.
party idea: “DUI or IUD?” u can only invite people who have one or both and u CAN’T divulge which
I have bad fight or flight instincts. Guy wants a fight in an elevator, I try to run. Truck heading straight at me 45 mph, let’s do this bro
Aries: You pissed off the moon. You’re on your own.
your childhood ends the moment you learn it’s not called “duck tape”
“you are what you eat”
i don’t remember eating a handsome genius but ok
got a huge lump of coal in my stocking which was awesome because it was starting to get pretty cold.
We’ve secretly replaced Janet’s coffee with melatonin capsules. Let’s see if— okay yeah, she noticed. She looks pissed. Sleepy, but pissed…
Me- *Merging in traffic* Am I clear on your side?
13- *continues looking at her phone* Yes
I accidentally bumped into a guy today & he’s like “Aren’t you going to apologize? Asshole!” so yes, I told him “Assholes never applogize”.
“What do you do for a living?”
“I read. I travel. I love. I laugh.”
“No. How do you earn your bread?”
“Oh I work. But that’s not living.”
Me: I’m finally letting myself go gray
Dermatologist: you really need some sun
Me [sobbing uncontrollably]: why did you say that?
My favorite meteorologist: I honestly thought it would be a nice da—
Me: I WORE SHORTS BECAUSE OF YOU!!!
*works out for six weeks
*loses 2 lbs
*eats a carrot
*gains it back
I picked up three XL pizzas and the woman there gave me two napkins like I was going to eat them in my car, and I think I just met my soulmate.
They banned hot dogs at the office ever since i used them as drumsticks on susan’s neck.
The Shining is my favorite Christmas movie about enjoying quality time with the family when you’re snowed in.
If you love something keep it in the refrigerator, keep it fresh, that thing you love is a lot like mayonnaise.
My mother keeps saying my boyfriend seems like someone who’d be really good with children. Except, she’s never seen him interact with children. She’s only seen him interact with me. So idk where that impression comes from…
everyone on the saturday night live thing pronounced it sarynyelive
*eggs your house on Halloween*
*pumpkins your house on Easter*
Cop: where were you between 5 and 6?
Robber: kindergarten probably
Me: I’m going to be late.
Boss, over the phone: What happened?!
Me, stuck up to my neck in rice: Well, funny story…I couldn’t find a towel.
wife: where are the beans?
me: i made phones with the cans.
wife: can i talk to you in the kitchen?
small voice echoing from the kitchen: you can now.
I want to know what ideas were so bad that “horny cows” made it on the billboard
I found the worst tweet ever made. It appeared right after I clicked send
We have a lot of famous Chrises;
Hemsworth, Evans, Pratt, Pine, and the infamous -tal Meth