Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I use a wheelchair. Whenever I’m at a job interview and they ask me if I can sit for long periods of time, I want to say “Like a champion.”

That sound when you close the cupboard and hear something fall inside.. that’s the sound of somebody else’s problem.

I will die on a white floor just to mess with the chalk outline guy.

Been laughing about this for about 5 consecutive minutes

Marriage is an institution. So is the mental hospital.

I touched a sticky one dollar bill and now I have to chop my hand off.

*at funeral*

Thank you all for coming. As you already know, my dignity has left us.
I tripped in front of all my coworkers. It was tragic.

I was the most experienced baker at a bread factory. A roll model, if you will.

Son: can I go?
Dad: storm coming, tornado warnings
Son: yeah I know
Dad: wait for your brother to get home, he can continue the bloodline

I’m not saying I’ve gained weight, I’m just saying I don’t think my belt buckle should be facing the ground…

OMINOUS CHANTING
*pentagram starts to glow*
YES! RISE DARK LORD! RISE!
*Satan tosses pillow through portal*
UNGH 5 MORE MINUTES!!!

I wish No More Tangles shampoo would work on Christmas lights.

I tried some Dirty Dancing in a neighbour’s herb garden. I had the thyme of my life.

Ffs 🤦‍♀️ I forgot to get skinny for the summer again

[during sex]

Can I call my mom? She said this would never happen. Wait-will you call her? Tell her this is happening! She’ll believe you.

“Where’s the pizza?”
“What pizza?”
“Sicilian, extra cheese.”
“Haven’t seen it.”
“The app says it was delivered.”
“Look, I don’t know what to tell you.”

Me: [starts singing quietly to myself while doing dishes]

My 5-year-old, who regularly screams for no reason: Stop that

Can’t, trying to piece together today’s news from the jokes.

friend: what’s the difference between ignorance and indifference?

me: I don’t know and I don’t care

If we’re ever drunk together and I say “trust me, this will be fun”, run faster than me or have bail money ready.

i, nurse brian, take thee, my mom’s toilet, in holy matrimony

experienced cop: it’s ok kid, you get used to it
millennial rookie cop, retching near murder scene: the coffee you brought was not artisanal

[couples therapy]
HER: His obsession with Star Wars is tearing us apart
ME: *covering my Yoda doll’s ears* Hear you he can, Karen

[whispering to beached whale] Do you come here often?

Most genies won’t tell you in advance, but sour cream is a separate wish from nachos.

I just had a customer shout at me OVER THE SOUND OF THE FIRE ALARM that it didn’t sound “right” so they “legally” didn’t have to leave

Just once i want to meet this mythical “always right” customer I BEG

Smart of them to call it cookies I mean who’s gonna decline cookies? If they’d said this site uses snakes people would be like aw hell naw

Felt sad that rabbits ate all my marigolds.

Then felt glad that I don’t have to water them anymore.

Suburban life is a roller coaster.

SON: dad why is my sister named Rose
DAD: because your mother loves roses
SON: i see. thank you dad
DAD: no problem, My Beautiful Wife

I will not rest until I’ve finished this nap!