Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Putting all my mental health eggs in the daily word game basket.

One thing I like about hiking is taking an uber to the woods and saying thanks and getting out of the car and disappearing into the trees as if I have an appointment somewhere deep in the forest

[job interview]
What experience do you have plucking chickens?
Me: See all those hairs on my chin?
No.
Me: Exactly.

[interrupts Pink Floyd]

“Actually, it’s AN education”

How normal people flirt…”Hey Sexy*

How I flirt …If you were a tree you’d be a great tree

A Tinder app, only you hook up with the best buffets in your town

Them: What’s wrong with you?

Me: *gets them a chair and puts on the kettle*

Bend over and take it like a taxpayer.

I bet you wouldn’t stand on a running horse and jump through a flaming hoop of fire for me. Yeah, that’s smart.

Yesterday was 2/22/22. Don’t feel bad if you missed it. 3/33/33 is coming up

Is there a hand sanitizer out there that can kill the 0.01% germ?

Wearing pigtails to relive my youth and scare men when I turn around.

While humans carry out social distancing, a group of 14 elephants broke into a village in Yunan province, looking for corn and other food. They ended up drinking 30kg of corn wine and got so drunk that they fell asleep in a nearby tea garden. 😂

My girl knows I’d never cheat on her because she would need to arrange it and remind me 37 times so I don’t forget

Even Forrest Gump got laid.

This is bullshit.

If you’ve ever planned anything with more than five people, then you know no conspiracy could possibly be real.

If you’re 25 please stop saying you’re tired. I have bananas older than you.

I’m too young to always make noises when I bend down to pick something up off the ground

Kylo Ren used to complain his parents were passive aggressive.

Well, boo hoo.

My dad was actively aggressive.

Just ask my hand.

I’m never more in denial than when I pack running clothes for a weekend trip to the beach.

ME: Please! Don’t! I have a family!

ASSASSIN: Who do you think sent me?

“So, is there a MRS. A-Z?” – Lady hitting on Jason Mraz

my future husband is probably fake laughing at his girlfriends Iame jokes rn. be patient king, a true clown is on the way.

After 8 years of research and an obscene amount of funding, we have determined that bat shit is no crazier than any other shit

Someone send Kendall Jenner onto a United flight with a Pepsi, stat.

You don’t know fear until you hear your 8yo using the blender by himself downstairs

“Let me get this straight, you got your asses kicked by four fully mature mutant ninja turtles?”

“No, sir, it’s actually worse than that.”

Me: *joins a throw pillow of the month club*

Husband: *cries*

Cop: so are you guys in some sort of polyamorous sex thing?

Raphael: what? no we’re brothers.

Cop: oh. It’s just with the matching outfits I thought-

Leonardo: no we like girls. human girls

Cop: is that… is that less weird?