Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: I heard you guys have a rule that kids don’t get a peppermint after the meal if they don’t eat their vegetables–is that true?

waiter: ah, nah, we bring them out either way

kids: YAAAAY!!!

me: thanks, bro

Neighbours are away & the house-sitter asked me for help with the back door that was stuck. Grabbed GT85 lubricant, fixed the sliding bolts, & while she was distracted, I lubricated the creaking hinges on their front door that have been driving me mad for 3 years.

ORANGUTAN ADOPTS THREE TIGER BABIES

Him: I like meatier girls.
Me: I killed the dinosaurs.
Him: What?
Me: What?

I told my vodka about you.

Kevin, children are allowed to order pizzas. You don’t have to make the delivery guy think he’s being shot at by gangsters. For christ sake.

Doctor told me I only have 6 months to live, maybe 12 if I get enough likes on Facebook.

Imagine my surprise when I found out that don’t is not the abbreviation for donut

It is not stealing if you walk into a place and do not know where you are or what is happening and just take whatever food you can carry because it is the only thing that makes sense in that moment.

I am a bear.

[doctor hands my wife our newborn son] congratulations

my wife: do u want to hold him

me: yes [picking him up and gently cradling him until i start to cry] wow. he’s so precious

doctor: put me down

gf: i’m leaving you

me: is it because i act like i know everything?

gf: yea-

me: i knew it

FRIEND: What’s your type?
ME: In guys or in blood?

beginning to understand why deer throw themselves in front of cars

If your husband tells you you’re being too dramatic don’t forget to bow when you thank him.

changed my bio on bumble to “I’m gonna murder ur whole family” and guys still responded

The human body can survive three weeks without food, three days without water but only three hours without wifi.

You were the one.

Kinda rude that books come in volumes when librarians hate sound

[in the park]

Me: Aww I see you have a puppy too…

Her: uh huh, I guess…

Me: [walks off dragging a beer can on a string]

Left a plaster cast of my mouth at the bakery so they know exactly how big to bake the cupcakes

My wife’s fish net stockings are so tight that my legs look like wafer cookies when I take them off.

My 4yo just noticed me trying to throw out an old, wrecked piece of Lego & by the look he gave me I’m afraid to go to sleep now.

doctor looking at his iPad: oh no, this isn’t good …

Me: give it to me straight doc what is it

doctor: well, I forgot my wifi password

Accidentally bought “wakeup” shampoo with caffeine and menthol and I’m furious at how peppy I am right now

On an afternoon walk, a handsome stranger hands you a note. It says “By the time you read this, I will already be petting your dog.” You look down. It’s true.

For my next trick, I’ll be at a bar then magically reappear face down on my bedroom floor without a clue how I got there.

*takes cat from pocket of doctor’s coat & holds it over patient*

He has finished his scan. He says he doesn’t like you & you have cancer.

Wife: don’t forget to pick the kids up from school
Me: it’s Saturday, they’re both upstairs
Wife: it’s Wednesday & we have 3 kids

My 7-year-old told me she wants a pet chinchilada. Do I find this at the pet store or a Mexican restaurant?

This girl wants to sing with me but I don’t wanna duet