Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ve always loved Batman cause I also blame my entire personality on my parents.

ME: i would like to open a checking account
BANKER: would you like a savings account too?
ME: no
BANKER: okay, just checking

Shout out to hotel maids changing sheets on February 15th.

Imagine you discovered the ability to time travel.
You go 30 years into the future expecting to meet your future self only to discover that you’ve been missing for 30 years.

If I had a time machine I’d bring all the Home Depot skeletons I could find to the Victorian age and surround a village with them while they all slept

yes, I did pass these out on my last family vacation.

Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?

Me: ha nice try

I: excuse me?

M: that’s how Lex Luthor beat Superman. I’m not stupid.

Wonder how long it’ll take for my pregnant friend to realize that the list of baby name ideas I’m giving her are all just types of lettuce?

Marry the person who looks at you the way a Labrador looks at a tennis ball…obsessed, slightly crazed and probably drooling a little.

Turn on noise canceling on your AirPods if you want to experience what it’s like to think a killer has broken into your home anytime anyone in your family approaches you from behind.

I’m so hungover. My sweat is pure tequila. A mosquito landed on me and now I think it’s drunk. It’s texting its ex.

i haven’t seen a “turn $50 into $5000” post in a minute, y’all in jail now?

You tell me to “walk a mile in your shoes” but the second I break into your house to steal your shoes, you call the cops. Make up your mind.

The people at this winery are acting like they’ve never seen someone pull a rotisserie chicken out of a purse before.

Choose a job you love and you will never work a day in your life because that field isn’t hiring.

Always get double toppings on take out pizza so you can eat one of the toppings off as an appetizer during your drive home.

Wanna know how to make your own beer? Just pour root beer into a square glass.

Twitter. Finally an app that makes people stop at yellow lights.

Javascript is when your doctor writes you a prescription for more coffee. Everyone knows that.

The morning after pill, but for tweets

I saw a lady run for the train today and I had to suppress my Olympic viewing tendency to cheer for her.

The first guy to stain glass was probably like, “oh no”

Mother Paper Bag: We need to talk.
Teen Bag: *removes earbud* What?
M: Your father was plastic.
T: But –
M: It’s true. You’re a mixed bag.

If you walk up to me with a plate of food and say “Matt?”

My name will always be Matt.

JOURNEY:
🎶Strangers, waiting,🎶
🎶Up and down the boulevard🎶
🎶Their shadows searching in the night!🎶

ME: Now, wait just a goshdarn minute. How in the heck can you have shadows at night??

JOURNEY:
🎶Streetlights,🎶
🎶people🎶

ME: Ah. Carry on.

Parents: If everyone jumped off a bridge, would you do it as well?

Me: (imagining a scenario where everyone is jumping off of a bridge): probably. What if it’s on fire?

Parents: go to your room.

So cute how this taxi driver is taking an unnecessarily long route and driving slowly so he gets to spend more time with me.

You don’t need to wear clothes in public if you can run fast enough.

ME: what came first the chicken or the egg

FRIEND [putting an ice pack on my head]: I’m not sure, people were throwing so many things at you

my new favorite genre of photography is “cats who are auditioning for the role of the body in an Agatha Christie novel.”