“the names bond, james bond”
[5 min later]
STARBUCKS BARISTA: i gota frappe for borbjorbple
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TSA agent: Ma’am you’re alarming in your abdomen.
Me, starving: You can hear that?!?
Them: …
Me: …
Them: It’s the drawstrings on your pants.
Me: They’re hungry too?!?
The Police asked me to make a statement so I stripped naked and ran around the precinct shouting, “Save the whales!”
When I canceled my gym membership, I had to submit a too weak notice
Supposed to leave for vacation in 5 minutes. Somehow, the clothes I need to pack that I threw in the washer an hour ago, aren’t ready.
Went to the farmers market this morning but they didn’t have any farmers I liked
The pig jumped into bed with my 6-year-old all by herself.
It was super cute.
Then the pig threw up all over her.
Considerably less cute.
“People who shed hair should clean up their hair”
14yo horrified, cleaning bathrooms for the first time in his life.
[infant diary]
Father has disappeared during a game of peek-a-boo. I fear the worst.
To the parent who sent their kid with slime as a Valentine to the class I just want you to know that I will send my daughter with kinetic sand to give to your kid as a thank you gift.
[first date]
Me: *don’t let him know you’re the Mona Lisa*
Him: You look nice tonight
Me: *smiles ambiguously*
Well, this explains it:
[My first day as a detective]
Me: It’s one way glass he can’t see you. Just point at the killer.
Witness: All I can see is our reflection.
Me: Ah, ok. Everybody swap rooms.
It must be awkward being a cyclops called Iain.
We carpeted our bathroom last night. My kid covered the entire floor with towels before their bath so same thing.
I didn’t think I was high until I realized I was watching bowling
Me: *eating ribs*
Morgue Attendant: *crying fearfully*
When you say, “save me some nachos” and I say, “okay” think Rose at the end of Titanic saying “I’ll never let go”..as she lets go.
*Han thaws and smashes to the ground in a massive heap, after being frozen in carbonite*
Han Solo: Who are you?
Princess Leia: Someone who loves you… but let’s you thaw and smash to the ground in a massive heap after being held frozen in carbonite.
From your body language, you’re either uncomfortable or just waiting for your host body to die.
My 2yo calls pepperonis “Peppa Pigs.” He has no idea just how close to the truth he is.
I need you guys to take my phone away from me. It’ll probably take a couple of you to do it. I’m a biter.
Seeing all the praise for Conan it’s time I told my own special Conan story. Years ago I first saw Conan. He was funny and I liked him. Then he kept being funny and I was like hell yeah I really like him. Later I found out it wasn’t just me, Conan did this with many other people.
You have to hand it to Subway for convincing us it’s acceptable to eat an entire loaf of bread for lunch.
People who hate candy corn love telling you.
*Jesus multiplies a loaf of bread for the masses*
From the back: Actually I’m gluten free now.
Jesus: ughhh, someone get me a fish
Loads 5 frozen pizzas into the freezer.
Meal prep ✔️
25 Relationship Red Flags You Shouldn’t Ignore:
1. Inexplicably, his house is full of flags.
2. This is serious, why so many?
3. You need to get that first one sorted
out before we move on.
I’m Sold!
My father once told me, “Son, if you want people to listen to what you have to say, claim it’s something your father told you.”
If I could sing like Janis Joplin I’d be able to sing my children a lullaby before bed and yell at them to go to bed at the same time.