Research suggests that when someone disagrees with you, you should speak faster so they have less time to process what you’re saying.
“the names bond, james bond”
[5 min later]
STARBUCKS BARISTA: i gota frappe for borbjorbple
You Might Also Like
No one is as glued to any piece of reading material as a parent counting down the songs in the program of a really boring school concert.
Bank Robber: Did anyone see my face?
Me: *raising hand* I’m pretty sure Barb did.
bewitching sea ghost seeks unwary sailor for fulfillment of ancient curse, maybe more
JOSH: Hey dad
DAD: Oh my god is your name still Josh
JOSH: Um yeah
DAD: We’re changing it
JOSH: No please don-
DAD: It’s done
ERIC: What the
I wish Adele would hurry up and put out another album so I could end this relationship.
“What about this? What about this? And this?”–me, taunting museum curator MC Hammer.
Don’t ever let anybody outshine you in life. If that means arriving at someone’s funeral in a casket, then so be it.
Duct tape will only support 35 lbs when trying to climb walls like Spiderman. (I’m sober now)
HER: You can’t even go 5 minutes without making a Star Trek reference.
ME: Yes I Khan.