@jonnysun

“the names bond, james bond”
[5 min later]
STARBUCKS BARISTA: i gota frappe for borbjorbple

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@UberFacts

Research suggests that when someone disagrees with you, you should speak faster so they have less time to process what you’re saying.

@copymama

No one is as glued to any piece of reading material as a parent counting down the songs in the program of a really boring school concert.

@ClichedOut

Bank Robber: Did anyone see my face?

Me: *raising hand* I’m pretty sure Barb did.

@suntzufuntzu

bewitching sea ghost seeks unwary sailor for fulfillment of ancient curse, maybe more

@Home_Halfway

JOSH: Hey dad
DAD: Oh my god is your name still Josh
JOSH: Um yeah
DAD: We’re changing it
JOSH: No please don-
DAD: It’s done
ERIC: What the

@myonlymizztake

I wish Adele would hurry up and put out another album so I could end this relationship.

@seandunn76

“What about this? What about this? And this?”–me, taunting museum curator MC Hammer.

@gorrdano

Don’t ever let anybody outshine you in life. If that means arriving at someone’s funeral in a casket, then so be it.

@UncleBob56

Duct tape will only support 35 lbs when trying to climb walls like Spiderman. (I’m sober now)

@QwertyJones3

HER: You can’t even go 5 minutes without making a Star Trek reference.

ME: Yes I Khan.