“the names bond, james bond”
[5 min later]
STARBUCKS BARISTA: i gota frappe for borbjorbple

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No one is as glued to any piece of reading material as a parent counting down the songs in the program of a really boring school concert.


Bank Robber: Did anyone see my face?

Me: *raising hand* I’m pretty sure Barb did.


bewitching sea ghost seeks unwary sailor for fulfillment of ancient curse, maybe more


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DAD: Oh my god is your name still Josh
JOSH: Um yeah
DAD: We’re changing it
JOSH: No please don-
DAD: It’s done
ERIC: What the


I wish Adele would hurry up and put out another album so I could end this relationship.


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HER: You can’t even go 5 minutes without making a Star Trek reference.

ME: Yes I Khan.