“the names bond, james bond”
[5 min later]
STARBUCKS BARISTA: i gota frappe for borbjorbple
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You want some advice? Don’t order crab cakes when you’re 700 miles from the ocean.
There I was, quietly reliving my dream of having my own house, when suddenly I was attacked by insane prices.
Am I the only one that still asks barking dogs if there’s someone stuck at the bottom of a well?
I am not a people person. I am a person person. One (1) of you mfers at a time and even that is pushing it.
Asked my mom what her birthday plans were and she told me she’s disappointed In me bc I don’t have a wife?? 💔
Correlation???
GENIE: u can’t wish for more wishes
ME: i wish u had permanent irritable bowel syndrome
GENIE: *sweating* ha ha then again rules are meant to be broken
this can’t be the same pay my coworkers are raising 3 kids with 🥲
If Ella Fitzgerald married Darth Vader then she would be known as Ella Vader…….
scrooge: who are you
ghost: i’m the ghost of christmas present
scrooge: so santa claus
ghost: NOT THAT KIND OF PRESENT
I just watered a few plants so I’m ready to open a landscaping business.
My son had to pick his towel up off the floor today. Apparently he’s forced to do everything around here.
Judge: Would the jury now read its verdict.
Head Juror: We, the jury, find George Michael’s feet guilty on all counts of Lacking Rhythm.
George Michael’s feet: *uncontrollable sobbing followed by fainting*
George Michael: What the hell is even happening? I’m free to go, right?
Caught a belt loop on a door handle and got yanked back with such force that my audio is no longer in sync with my actions.
Guy: who was that?
Me: it was an automated call reminding me to vote
Guy: uh huh. How’d he get your number?
Twitter keeps throwing in “in case you missed it” on my timeline…. I’ve been on twitter for the last 16 hours, I didnt miss it.
After a pretty wild late night last night, I was awoken at 8am by my neighbor mowing his lawn.
At first I was going to confront him about it but then I thought, whatever. He can just mow around me.
“I’ll sleep when I’m dead” – me, before having kids
“I will murder someone for a nap”- me now
Last week I chopped my neighbour’s tree and now it’s growing back because his-tree repeats itself…
Tired of true crime podcasts? Then check out my fake crime podcast. In the next episode I go into detail about how back in 1997, my grandma was mugged by a rhinoceros.
Drunk on Twitter: Omg what an awesome idea!
Morning after on Twitter: Jesus Christ I’m gonna have to leave here now.
Having to sing happy birthday to anyone over the age of 19 is assault.
Unfortunately, Yoda’s proposal came across as more of a statement, possibly even a threat. And so, he lived out his life alone, forever pining for “which got away, the one.”
My New Year’s resolutions:
1. Stop making lists.
B. Be more consistent.
7. Learn to count.
Password: 1 upper case letter, 1 lower case letter, 1 stair case, 1 briefcase, 1 in case of emergency, 2 cases of beer, and 1 quesadilla.
DOCTOR: Are you sexually active?
ME: No.
DOCTOR: Are you at least active?
ME: Also no.
I’m finally getting the professional help I need for my origami addiction.
I’ll let you know how it all unfolds.
Tween: Mom, can you take me to the mall to go to Abercrombie?
Me: Awe, I used to shop there when I was your age.
Tween: Nevermind.
If People Rode Dinosaurs Instead of Walked.
waiter: say when
dracula: ven
other waiter: haha say it again