“The name’s Bond, James Bond…
and you are”?
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I don’t have an angel and a devil on my shoulders.
It’s just two devils fighting over who’s gonna get me in the most trouble.
I’m seriously considering taking up falconry. Someone pisses me off? BAM! Falcon, right in the face.
What genius called it a ‘bar’ and not an ‘alcohall’?
If I pay $30 for a haunted house I better die
You can make so much more soup if you use your washing machine.
Flight Attendant: Sir, you need to put your iPhone in airplane mode.
Me: We’ve been cleared for takeoff for twenty minutes. You need to put this airplane in airplane mode.
Oh he looks allergic to me. I’ll go sit on him
~ cats
Me: I have a lot of work to do.
Windows Updates: you’re gonna have to wait
“Ow that dog just nipped at me”
PEE ON IT!
“No man NO STOP THAT DOESN’T WORK FOR EVERYTHING”
I’M HERE FOR YA BUDDY!
Me: Would you bring me the mattress cover off your bed?
Son: *looks puzzled* The what?
Me: The mattress cover. The quilted looking sheet.
Son:
Me: The final boss sheet at the bottom.
Son: Oh that.
I never finish what I start. I have a black belt in partial arts.
A pork chop is one of the most dangerous karate moves a pig is capable of.
spin the bottle, except you have to murder the person it lands on
her: this is a baby shower
[minutes after eating mac & cheese] u know what would be amazing right now- and honestly it’s been a while since I’ve had it- mac & cheese
My son went into a bank 5 mins ago and I’m waiting in the car. Now I’m hearing sirens in the distance and I’m hoping I’m not a getaway car.
Trump University is getting a bad rap. My nephew went there and he can poop in a toilet AND say the N-word.
“What’s your favourite childhood memory?”
Not paying bills.
Oh, you’re a politician? Name all the politics
Whales are just primitive elephants that walked into the ocean and then kept walking.
Pluto is no longer a planet, and the U.S. might have a 51st state soon.
Looks like 3rd grade was a total waste of time.
Him: I like a woman with a healthy appetite
Me (acing this date):
People who say that they don’t have time for my bullshit should wake up an hour earlier
CW: Who’s the more the foolish: the fool, or the-
Me: Ted, I don’t have time for this, so I’m going to slap you hard then take myself to HR.
I have so much to offer this world but I am so far behind on my shows.
Bicyclists, it’s one thing to hog the road, but it’s quite another to expect us to know your fancy hand signals. Also, I can see your balls.
[Stock market crashes]
“Oh no, I better check on my investments!”
*opens cupboard over top of the sink*
[1000s of Shrek dvds fall out]
MARRIAGE TIP: When your wife forgets to set the timer and incinerates dinner, DO NOT whistle “If I Only Had a Brain” from the Wizard of Oz.
My neighbor once told me when I straightened my hair I looked like Jennifer Aniston, two days later he was taken away in a straight jacket. I think about that a lot.
“Doc, it’s embarrassing, but I don’t feel sexy.”
“Try wearing the wife’s panties.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, the red ones with the lace are nice”
My charger only works if my phone is on a 45 degree angle, resting on a tiny pillow with Pat Benatar playing quietly in the background.