“The name’s Bond, James Bond…
and you are”?
You Might Also Like
Merica.
Friendship: because I’ve said many dumb things & you acted like they were TED talks
Coworker: Do you have any kids?
Me: No
Coworker: Aaaw.
Me: But check back next week. Big shipment coming in. NO COPS.
Coworker: …are you okay?
Me: YOU WANT EM OR NOT?
Not to brag but I don’t even need meditation, my mind goes blank the second someone asks me for directions.
I called my son’s school to see if they would take him a week early and apparently they “don’t do that” and I “need to stop calling.”
Desperate is following a fake Charlize Theron account with one follower that’s a bot.
Got kicked out of the gym for setting off the smoke alarm while running in my corduroy shorts.
Hey dad, the hospital called, patients
are trying to rest, could you please turn
down your television.
kids tv show: where do you think pizza was invented?
my four year old: a pizza shop
me: *fills out her application to harvard*
[shark-filled moat]
ROBIN: golly, Batman, how can we distract them?
BATMAN: *pushing him in* we’ll think of something, chum
Welcome to your forties! You’re gonna need several doctors, no matter how many apples
Next time you let someone here affect your real life, tell a stranger “I’m mad at some online person I’ve never met” then let them punch you
Computer: Are you sure you want to trust this printer?
Printer: *shifty eyes*
FRIEND: I hate when people refer to their pets as children.
ME: You do that all the time with your dog.
FRIEND: I don’t have a dog.
ME: …
FRIEND: Are you referring to my toddler?
ME: …Probably.
CW: How was your weekend?
*finds nearest object*
“Hello?”CW: Are you talking to a stapler?
“I’m sorry, I have to take this.”
I believe in serving my children a variety of foods that they won’t eat.
Did you know there are people who go away for 3 days and only pack 3 days’ worth of clothing?
Easter chocolate is the best chocolate. Everbunny knows that.
[colonizing Mars]
M:a:r:s
This ATM will not give me free money no matter how many times I try the Konami Code.
dating tip #4: when meeting her brother for the 1st time make sure when he goes for the handshake u kiss him on the lips to assert dominance
Kylo Ren: I am your father.
Rey: We’re roughly the same age. You’re just copying everything Vader said.
Kylo Ren: NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
Me food shopping alone: $250.00
Food shopping w/the husband: $99.75
Food shopping with the kids: $699.00
yoooo let ur cat know i said pspspsps
awkward
Guantanamo Bae
My fiance booked a helicopter tour of the Grand Canyon on Friday the 13th because he has apparently never seen final destination
Boss (about to fire me): I don’t know how to tell you this
Me: *suddenly behind boss, whispering in his ear* Try using your mouth, genius
My veterinarian asked a lot of personal questions. He was all like “Why do you want so much horse tranquilizer?” & “Do you even own horses?”
my mom has been using 💦 to describe crying and when I told her to stop it, she made me tell her why and now it’s so quiet in here.