Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Change is good,” I explain to my daughter as I carefully apply the same color lipstick I’ve been wearing since I was 15 years old.

He’s like the ocean

Deep and dirty

Police Officer: You know, this is a one way street?

Me: I was only going one way…

6am: makes coffee
6:20am: grabs cup
6:21am: plugs in coffee maker

2018 guy: girls wear so much makeup lol
1018 guy: I can’t even tell who i’m married to because everyone’s face is covered in dirt

My car is not officially locked until I hear the horn beep 86 times.

GRANDPA: I have shrapnel stuck in my head from World War II

ME: I’ve had that Chumbawamba song stuck in my head since 1997 so I feel ya

me *swallowing pride*

baby lion: holy shit

Is there anything less intimidating than a cop on a bicycle?

Wobble on, agent of justice, wobble on.

if you were really my friend, you’d know my favorite kitchen utensil. it’s the ladle. ok we’re friends now.

@funTweeters Oh, wow! Thank you for adopting me into this incredible family of hilarity! Proud to be in such admirable company. 😊🙌🎉

me (spent my last $17 last month on 7 large burger king onion rings): ok so lemme give you some advice

I just got excited about a new scent of dish soap.

No one warned me adulthood was going to be such a non-stop thrill ride.

Wait a minute

me: [holding knife] ok i’m not gonna cry this time

onion: hey remember the end of that movie about the dog

This guy in CVS was FaceTime with his girl and she trying to direct him on what pads to get. He was so lost. I heard what she asked for and put it in the phone camera and she says “thank you girl” without even seeing my face 😂😂😂😂😂

me: sorry, I move around a lot in bed

GF: it’s ok lol

[middle of the night]

me: [taps GF on the shoulder] I just bought a house in Montana

(Person choking)

Heimlich: Would it help if I gave you a hug?

[Family of lizards]

Mother: this our oldest son, he’s all grown up now and crushes buildings

Little lizard: ahem

Mother: *sighs* also, this our youngest he can get you 15% off car insurance

If you think you’re attracted to me, just know that I make my sandwiches like this:

Wife: Why are you wearing that?

Me: I wanted to dress a little bisqué

Wife: You mean risqué?

Me: *wearing shirt soaked in lobster soup* No I’m pretty sure I’m right

Who the hell named it a ” Crop-Top ” and not a ” T-short “?

Windows 10 has an extremely unhelpful error message

Moms 2007: I don’t know why you text LOL when you aren’t literally laughing

Moms 2017: Cry face emoji, clapping hands, three monkeys

The human liver can withstand up to 97% damage and make a full recovery.

Yet not one doctor will accept this as an argument for alcoholism.

does anyone in IT care to admit that when someone submits a help request you quietly fix the problem behind the scenes and then tell them to try something super obvious so they look like an idiot?

Today’s spelling lesson:
On the lam: escaping from police

On the lamb: escaping from life’s woes with a delightful sheep ride

Having a job is cool But everyday ???? Come tf on

Saw a billboard that said “if you can plan a wedding, you can plan for a natural disaster” and like, aren’t those the same thing?

My friend told me he weighs himself before and after going to the toilet to see how much his shit weighs and honestly that’s so much better than my method