The name’s Bondjamesbond. James Bondjamesbond.
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Fireman: Is anyone else inside the house?
Me: Uh yes..my son is trapped in my room he- [fireman charges into blaze] ..HE LOOKS LIKE AN XBOX
ME: *peeing in the ocean*
WIFE: at least go in past your waist
my toddler is screaming because I’m wearing earplugs because my toddler is screaming
Used dog shears to trim my split ends. This is a beauty account now.
GF: why the hell are you eating cheese puffs in bed at 2am
Me: shhh… I’m sleep walking
I am never too old to redecorate your garden gnomes in the middle of the night.
If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I’m trying to unlock it more than two times, I’m driving off without you.
I’m walking on sunshine, AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH and I’m startin’ to feel
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH THIS IS TERRIBLE
8yo: Is it okay if Dylan comes over?
Me: Is he the one with the PS4?
8: Yes.
Me: And motorized scooter?
8: Yes.
Me: And trampoline?
8: Can you drive me to his house?
I’ll take ‘Liars’ for $500, Alex
“Sorry that’s not-”
Who is Karen?
“Sir-”
‘Cheaters’ for $1000
“Again that’s-”
*lips on mic* Who is Karen?
I like going to the cemetery early in the morning because, if you’re calm and patient, the skeletons will approach and even eat right out of your hand.
my cat has the hiccups and he’s trying to lick his own belly and every time he hiccups he looks around like who the hell did that
You can break your toddler’s heart or you can explain that the dinosaur exhibit at the zoo is closed for cleaning. Choose wisely
Once she realized I was chatting her up, the Kohl’s girl immediately indicated the extent of her interest: “My dad wears shirts like that”
when people make fun of me for reading fiction, I don’t get mad. I simply invite them down into my cellar for a glass of fine vintage. they have never read Poe; they have no idea what’s coming.
barbie’s story is actually so sad like her parents left her with her 3 sisters and she had to take up 200 jobs to take care of them then on top of that her boyfriend is gay and won’t get a job
Being good at customer service is essentially jingling keys in the face of adults.
Twitter: she’s on to us
Me: No no..it doesn’t matter, I love you
Twitter: I’m just an app
Me: ‘Presses finger to twitter lips. Shhhhhh
me: i wonder what geese do at night
goose: [in a surveillance van] dammit we’re running out of time
*hears your text message notification beep*
*constantly imitates it so you check your phone for no reason*
Watson was Holmes schooled
i watch horror movies on the toilet so i can be scared shitless
Don’t forget if you’re a member of the Tautology Society, we’ve got our annual AGM meeting tonight.
[God is taking a nap]
Prankster Angel: Um yea hi, Abraham? This is God. *trying super hard not to laugh* You need to kill your son.
Toddler misbehaves, but follows it up with throwing his hands in the air and yelling “Ta-da!” so he won’t get in trouble.
Stealing it.
If you carry a clipboard, put a pen behind your ear, wear a stopwatch around your neck, and, depending on where you are, wear either a lab coat or a reflective safety vest you can pretty much walk right in anywhere you like.
Me: Honey, I’m going on a burrito run, you want something:
Her: No, thanks I’m not hungry.
Me: *Buys her her own burrito cause I ain’t dumb*
toothpaste is a big scam. if ur tooth falls out, it stays out. toothpaste Will Not paste it back in.
People who try to beat you when walking into a store. No.