the nation is so divided we need another Cut essay to bring us together
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*professes my undying love to my microwave*
*microwave sets itself on fire*
FACEBOOK: yo remember ur ex from 2 years ago? look at this photo of u together
ME: facebook no
FACEBOOK: k heres ur dog who died 5 years ago
Plumber: you have hard water.
Me: you mean like ice?
Onion rings
Me: “Hello?”
Hate when you’re walking behind someone & want to pass them & then they start the “drift” & you both crash into a shelf of glass figurines.
I throw naked mini-wheats back in the box like I’m not the one who’s gonna get stuck with the bowl of naked mini-wheats in the end
Spent an hour looking for my coffee cup because one of the kids PUT IT AWAY in the right place.
I just walked into the living room to find my daughter teaching the family cat to play Cards Against Humanity. I think we’ve run out of ways to pass the time.
[watches you eat my bday cake]
“I’ve poisoned that.”
“Haha very [clasps chest & begins panting] w-with what?”
[leans in & winks]
“Poison.”
“Contactless is safer”, I tell my husband
I can’t believe I gave up my best sleeping years to raise children.
HER: i can’t be with a guy who thinks he’s Optimus Prime
ME: i can change, Becky
HER:
ME: into a semi truck
Ayy girl, are you Ohio? Because we should be Dayton.
To Do List While in Jail
1. Ask someone for an Eskimo kiss and when they shake their head no say,”Hey why’d you start without me?”
2.
3.
Went to my niece’s elementary school field day last week.
I won every single event.
Every. Single. Event.
They should make you watch a training video and pass a little test before you’re allowed to touch the office coffee maker.
Welcome to your 40’s. You now choose restaurants based on how much back support their seating offers
FUN FACT: next time you ask someone to pass a roll of toilet paper to you under a bathroom stall door gently grasp their hand and challenge them to a thumb war. They legally have to accept.
Police say Oscar Pistorius is a flight risk. How? Does he also have a pair of propeller feet?
quarantine day 1: filet mignon with bordelaise sauce, charred asparagus and roasted garlic fingering potatoes
quarantine day 5: entire bag of stale marshmallows
quarantine day 7: tequila
“We ran out of guacamole so I mashed up one of those worms from the tomato plants and put it on your burrito. It looked kinda the same.”
Just saw I am Legend for the first time and found it completely implausible when there was no reference to any toilet paper shortage.
My grandma just described my grandads driving as erotic and I’m seriously hoping she meant erratic or grandma has some kinks I don’t wanna know about
Me [doing a lovely soft shoe routine and nailing it]
Brother: Are you serious? This is my sentencing hearing
Judge [teary]: Just wonderful
[interview]
What’s your greatest weakness?
ME: Probably avoiding tough questions
Can you elaborate on that?
ME: Oh hey look at the time!
Dude! Stop being such a baby, man up, walk over there and ask her if she like, ‘like-likes’ me.
My kids decided to build their own LEGO nativity this year and honestly I had no idea there were so many stormtroopers at the birth of Christ
Awwwwww he is confused! ❤️🤣🤣
Remember back when you thought the movie “Idiocracy” was a satirical comedy instead of a documentary?
He works with his crew: Woody Flores, John C. Ling, Raisa Roofe, and their boss, Bill DeHaus.
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