the nation is so divided we need another Cut essay to bring us together
You Might Also Like
It’s okay, baby. I cry when people try to change me too.
my allergies were acting up so i took allergy medicine. now i’m sleepy and my allergies are acting up.
[Calling the police]
“Help! Someone with a slice of beef strapped to his elbow is chasing me!”
“Stay calm.”
“Yes, that’s him!”
One way to tell if a man is good in bed is to watch him dance. Another good way is to have sex with him.
Looks like Alexander Graham Bell is calling me.
My neighbor said “I don’t watch football so I don’t know who Taylor Swift is, but he sounds fast.”
I never understand women. One minute they love guys who play the guitar, one minute they are chasing me out of the women’s restroom.
Not me DoorDashing Taco Bell at 330am and messaging the driver “Please don’t ring the doorbell and wake people up. I don’t want to share.”
[First day as a crime scene photographer]
Detective: please stop telling the corpse to “work it”
(Starts period)
Husband: OHHHH, so that’s why you’ve been such a b-
Me: WHAT!?
Him: What?
My dog is dreaming. Based on the noises and twitches coming from him… he’s fighting off a Korean Chef.
“Real men like a woman with curves” – Fat Chicks
Singing in the shower is fun until you get soap in your mouth. Then it’s a soap opera.
It’s beginning to look a lot like “everyone’s manners and driving skills have disappeared” time of year again
In sign language, the story of my life can be told through a series of facepalms.
Who called it an allergist and not an antisneeziologist?
Next time you yawn in front of me i’m gonna chuck a peanut m&m down your throat.
[Gets shot by mugger]
Girl walks by: omg are u ok?
I’m dying [sees she isn’t wearing a ring] I mean I’m fine but not as fine as you, sup?
*first day as a getaway driver*
Me: Hey does anybody want anything from the drive-through?
the hulk is green because he’s not ripe yet
What doesn’t kill you was only practicing.
Pay no attention to the man behind the crouton!
Me: what’s your favorite number
Golfer: 4
Hypochondriac: 6
Guy From Memphis: 10
Cannibal: 18
Ballerina: 22
Bargain Hunter: 241
In Spain, it’s considered bad luck to die in a car accident
Would you eat from the Hummus Truck?
Each time I use an exclamation point, I feel as if I’m shooting my sentence out of a t-shirt cannon.
Son, your father and I have something to tell you – you were adopted. Your new parents are waiting outside in the car.
“What are we doing here, Marcy?”
“Seeing how I’d look with bangs.”
My kids slept til 7:30 on the weekend so I gave them ice cream for breakfast and let them ride their bikes in the house.
I like you, but I don’t “give you a roll of my toilet paper” like you…