the nation is so divided we need another Cut essay to bring us together
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My current body type is like you can sorta tell I workout, but you can also tell that I don’t say no when someone offers me a cookie.
I’m just saying, no dog has ever ghosted me
That sinking feeling when you realize you forgot to lock your clubhouse when you were 8, and it’s probably all infested now with girls
Oh well thank you for narrowing it down for me there
You don’t scare me. You’re not my mom saying, “I’m gonna tell your father” after she found out I broke the TV.
My neighbor has a huge warehouse/shop and is alway in there banging away on something or doing stuff but never really producing anything. I just know that one day Dateline is going to interview me and ask if I knew what was going on in there…
How strict is the “I licked it, it’s mine” policy?
There’s some things I’ve licked that I don’t want.
I tried a push-up once but I decided I really do like lying on my face more.
me: you’re so wet and i’m going to go down on you right here in public
waterslide operator: i’m gonna need you to stop talking out loud
Her: If I get fat will you break up with me?
Me: No but you’re now just two more inane questions away from being buried in the garden.
*pulls a tiny monocle out of a jar of peanut butter*
OH GOD WHY
What stage of marriage is it when you’re uncomfortable because they’re being nice to you?
Refusing to attend my brother’s gambling intervention until they agree to call it a slot shaming
Body by sandwich.
The manual for my motorized wheelchair says “Do not operate while tired. ” I haven’t moved in six years.
If Bats in Australia are THIS big, I’d hate to see the size of their Vampires
kids tv show: where do you think pizza was invented?
my four year old: a pizza shop
me: *fills out her application to harvard*
Amish guys have to rowboat their wives.
customer: have you worked here a long time
me, a waiter: 14 years sir
customer: wow ok what do you recommend
me: finishing college
If you thought the Dalai Lama giggled alot, then you obviously never met the Mwahaharajah
My entire life can be summed up by those anxious and awkward breaths; the ones where you wonder if the hiccups are really gone or not.
Me: I’m going to be healthy
Breakfast: fruit
Lunch: sandwich
Dinner: salad
Midnight: large pizza, mac & cheese, a gallon of ice cream
get yer dragons here! get yer dragons… I have menthol and non-menthol, get yer dragons!!
me: do you want to play some ps4?
frenchman: oui
me: no we only have the playstation
My husband said he wants me to stop drinking and still be in a good mood. So I told him to stop putting gas in the car and still drive.
*my boss angrily taps his watch because I come into the meeting late
*i angrily tap my watch back because this meeting is too early
My husband said he wants a blowie for his birthday. I don’t know what he’ll do with this snow blower in summertime…luckily it was on sale.
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my greatest strength is, I want to say, “I push myself.”
My hometown is so charming. Everyone’s got the spirit animal of gum stuck under the diner table