Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Fun bible fact: No records exist of Jesus’ life from age 12 to 30 because he was backpacking across Europe with his pet Pterodactyl

I was thinking of becoming self employed but due to cutbacks I can’t afford to hire me right now.

My mom just told me my Gram’s church is doing drive up confessions. The priest stands 6 ft away and you shout your sins out the window. You have the option to make the priest wear a blindfold.
Mom: Gram wasn’t happy when I started laughing. Dad keeps shouting sins across the room

Now that I’m in my 30s, I have to worry about both my kids and my parents saying something embarrassing in public.

need someone to feed me Doritos while i read, so i don’t mess up the pages. no weirdos.

Why is it then when things are going well we say everything is “peachy”? What elevated the peach above all other fruits to define itself as all that is good? What did it do to deserve such an accolade?
I see you peach, and I’m watching

[Sirens]
Dude open the door!

*barricading* How do i know you’re not 1 of them?! Were you bit?!

What?! Do you not know what a hurricane is?

May you never be as bored as whoever figured out that holding a seashell to your ear sounds like the ocean

If a guy runs his fingers through your hair, there is a 33.3% chance you are being used as a napkin.

Carl: Perfect weather tonight.

Me: Tell me something I don’t know.

Carl: Butterflies taste with their feet.

Me: Fair enough.

felt cute might bury dad later idk

love is out there. so are bigfoot and the loch ness monster

My husband lost a bet and has to wash the dishes for a month, and I just got a credit card alert that someone just spent $200 at Costco.

If that man walks in the door with $200 of paper goods, I’m making it 2 months.

[At check-out] *gets out credit card*

Sales assistant: WILL THAT BE ON CARD?

Me: No, I just wanted to wave it around for a while.

My ex recently asked me if I wanted to be “Friends with Benefits” which is so psycho like dude I am a woman in her 30s, you can’t ask me something like that….I absolutely do not want new friends.

[news anchor]

“Up next, can more sex lead to a healthier & happier-”

*wife changes channel*

my father has started calling me “daughter number one” either bc (1) im the firstborn daughter or (2) im his favorite daughter or (3) he forgot my name, which is what i tell my sister, “other daughter” & my brother, “boy daughter”

I like to wait to board the plane so the person seated next to me thinks they’ll have extra space and then I come in right before the door closes and ruin their lives

Never turn your back while kids are in the bath.

Drown shmown!
Those punks are gonna dump a whole bottle of shampoo in for mega bubble bath

I’ve had my panties on inside out all morning and no one said anything!

My kids’ school sends home so much artwork I’ve had to buy 8 refrigerators since September.

To ‘There’s a Hole in the Bucket’

I can’t access my network
Dear IT, Dear IT
I can’t access my network
Dear IT, access

Then check your email
Dear cheeky, dear cheeky
Then check your email
Dear cheeky, check it

I can’t access my network
Dear IT, dear IT
(repeat endlessly)

New Yorkers were told they couldn’t bring their dog on the subway unless they fit inside a bag. It turns out that is quite a big loophole when you think about it

It’s amusing when people wave back at me on hiking trails when all I’m really doing is swatting away flies.

me: “we commemorate the day you died every year”
jesus: “thats nice, what’s the day called?”
me:
jesus:
me:
jesus: “keith?”
me: “bad friday”

I feel bad when a fly gets into my house. I know that little guy is starving cause I ate and left no crumbs

If I’m a vampire, I’m going into the ocean to search for Bikini Bottom. I don’t need air and there’s no sunlight? Let’s go.

if i text u “🪗” it means u better start acting accordingly

My wife is upset we can’t afford a vacation this year because I kept paying the kids to behave while I was driving

I enjoy romantic scrolls up and down your timeline.