The National Enquirer got a hold of my nudes and sent them back to me.
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#rubbishjokes
I don’t like Russian dolls.They are so full of themselves.
@Lottie_Poppie I’m at my ideal weight. If I was a baby blue whale
Jehovahs Witnesses: do you have time to talk about our lord and savior?
Me: of course! please come in!
[door slams shut and locks]
[lights dim]
[my PowerPoint presentation begins]Me: but first I wanna tell you about a timeshare opportunity!!!
I am fairly well educated, but not ‘knows every nuance of the English language’ educated.
I also have no idea what ‘nuance’ means.
I was home alone the other day and was frightened by a very loud noise, then I realized it was just my stomach growling.
Started watching LOST again w niece & neph, completely
forgetting I’m flying to Spain for a wedding.
PILLS ARE PACKED
NEIGHBOR: Is that your dog running around your yard?
ME: No. That’s a fence.
Easter tip: Tell your kids you hid an egg with $50 in it in the backyard but you don’t remember where. Enjoy a quiet day indoors.
I found a flea on my dog and sprayed him down with a homemade vinegar solution and now I know what pickled dog smells like.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: omg is anyone a doctor?
ME: *stands up confidently and turns to flight attendant* you forgot my Diet Coke
When my middle school English teacher didn’t know the word “anecdote,” it became my first successful field test of discretion vs. valor.
him: because of the current covid-19 restrictions, we can’t let more than 100 ppl into your husband’s funeral
my wife: not a problem
him: sorry i meant 10
my wife: plenty of wiggle room still
Interviewer: what interests you about this job?
Me: the pay
Interviewer: can you be more specific?
Me: cash
Scientists discovered the largest prime number yet (23 million digits) when it was given to them as the confirmation number after a customer service call with their internet provider.
“You ruined everything.”
-People exaggerating when you only ruined like one or two things, tops
Me: I don’t like where this is going
Driver: You ordered this Uber!
[outside bar]
angry guy: [rips off shirt, puts up fists]
me: [carefully removes jacket & shirt, spends a full minute folding them neatly using the KonMari method]
angry guy: omg this is literally why I wanna hit u
My special superpower is seeing patterns. Grandma thinks it’s a bullshit superpower, her knitting room is full of them
If I was a dental hygienist I’d be like “Now I’m gonna rip up your gums with a metal hook and then blame you for not flossing enough, sorry”
Chief: You’re the WORST cop in the department! Hand over your gun and badge!
Me: *realising I left both in my son’s crib* Uhhhhh….
Wife: Don’t you think the yard needs to be mowed?
(from my recliner I check google maps satellite view of our house)
Me: It looks fine to me
My wife wants me to go to Zumba with her. I am hopeful that this is a place to get burritos.
I wrote “except zombies” on my welcome mat so I know I’ll be safe during a zombie apocalypse.
I have no idea how the cavemen could afford to eat paleo.
About 68% of Americans believe the government is conspiring to hide information about extraterrestrials.
That number would be higher, but alien pods already have transformed 32% of the U.S. population into replicas of their former selves.
moms bragging about their kids like ok we’re just gonna sip our wine and pretend Claire’s kid didn’t just ask how many years she’s been 8 for
Me: [takes bite of PBJ sandwich]
6yo: Mommmm! Don’t eat my lunch!
Me: [giggles] I’m just testing it first to make sure there’s no poison!
6yo: yeah ri-
Me: [collapses]
A time capsule but it’s just the back of the fridge
“Always bring a nail file, scissors, tweezers, a corkscrew, a toothpick and a bottle opener to a knife fight”
– The Swiss Army