The National Enquirer got a hold of my nudes and sent them back to me.
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This gonna be me in 2 weeks
Little known fact:
Henry Ford called it an automobile because “Horse with no Name” sounded stupid.
[at store]
Salesperson: May I help you?
Me: Yes, I need something really nice that my wife can exchange next week
Busting out of a grave like a zombie but I just have to pee real bad.
I appreciate a dentist who accepts “I didn’t really expect to live this long” as the answer to why I haven’t been properly taking care of my teeth.
Plagiarism is bad? Change a few words, that shit is yours. It’s like when you change a baby’s clothes- new baby. New baby that’s yours now.
If Trump wins I’m moving to my last Sim City 2000 save file.
If I was an outlaw in the Wild West, my face would be on unwanted posters
“I don’t even own a book” – Medieval Hipster
I can’t wait til my kids become adults so I can go over their houses & throw clean laundry all over the floor.
If you still had hope for kids today, a teenager in a bookstore pointed to a book title and asked me if it was about World War Two or Eleven
*walks up with my full head of mongooses*
Medusa: Let’s rock.
Writing a horror story where parents won’t just drop off their children for a play date. They also want to sit and talk. It’s called, “You Really Don’t Have to Stay.”
Dad just found my Twitter. Fame is a double edged sword. On an unrelated note, church today was so much fun and I got so much studying done.
Being a parent means calling your parents to apologize for your past behavior
People in Arab nations are still wondering what all the western world hub bub about hump day and camel toe is about.
Lost in the desert, you scan the horizon with your device. To the east, you see the leaning tower of Pisa. To the west, you see the familiar pillars of Stonehenge. That’s when you realize you should have brought binoculars instead of a Viewmaster.
Humans: [being replaced by shapeshifting lizards] ok everyone be on the lookout for people hanging out under heat lamps or eating lots of crickets.
No, LinkedIn. I would not like to link my Twitter account but thank you for trying to get me unemployed for life.
Maybe you should trust the CDC on how to handle a pandemic over your cousin Matt who is banned from Denny’s for setting off firecrackers.
Stacy: Come over!
Me: Okay!
Stacy: My mom isn’t home.
Me: Nevermind.
[after lover’s spat]
ME: Honey. Lamb chop. Sweetie cakes.
HER: You’re just naming foods.
ME: Pumpkin. Muffin.
HER: …
ME: Zucchini bread.
[shark tank]
“Hi, what’s your product idea?”
Product? [holding bucket of live fish] I’m here to see the tank of sh-… I’ve made a mistake
me: are u 2 girls from England
them: Wales u idiot
me: sorry are u 2 whales from England
I just walked into the living room to find my daughter teaching the family cat to play Cards Against Humanity. I think we’ve run out of ways to pass the time.
When I’m driving past a middle lane hogger, I can’t help but take a good look at the driver, as part of my extensive research into what really annoying people look like
I hate when I’m checking out a bag of chips, and the guy standing in front of it, thinks my lustful gaze is meant for him.
[trying to impress date]
Him: I want someone who’s not afraid of a little PDA.
Me: *keys I WANT THE SEX into the side of his car*
It appears that late last night someone broke into the house and ate all the ice cream in the freezer. I’ve volunteered to lead the investigation but I doubt we’ll ever find the guy who did it
Arachnophobia is stupid I mean why are we all terrified of a bug that knits all day?