The National Spelling Bee is on ESPN which makes sense because I remember that one year a kid pulled a hamstring trying to spell ‘scherenschnitte’.
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Me: [watching news]
Child: Why do you watch the news?
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child: I asked-
Me: I’M THINKING
Doctor: I have bad news
Me: oh no
Doctor: I just lost a ton gambling
Me: whew, I thought I was dying-
Doctor: I bet you weren’t dying
My cat: Meow
Me: Come here.
My cat: MEOW!
Me: You can’t complain about lack of attention AND not come here. Pick a struggle and stick to it.
So let me get this straight, she shot someone through the heart and the worst thing you can say about her is that she gives love a bad name?
*at the pot store*
Ok so I need an edible that will get me just slightly buzzed – like, not so stoned I can’t cook, but just high enough to keep me from punching my racist cousin
“No son, leave Santa beer and pretzels”
But daddy, Santa likes-
[gently puts hand on his head]
“do what I say or he’s not coming”
Who named it “push-up bra” instead of “abracadabra” ??
Jaws is such a great film because it taps into that primal human fear of our beach resorts becoming unprofitable.
Wife: I’m leaving with the kids if you don’t stop pretending our house is a hospital
Me: That would be great, we really need the beds
Flight Attendant: Is anyone here a doctor?!
Me: *shoving my way to the front* no
…..pretty much.
At this point, HBO knows we’d watch any dragon show. Like: The King needs an heir to the throne that unites the 7 pillars of sanctity across the river of Borjovia, but encounters a dragon from Mt Draco that needs crystal fire blessed by the monks that own the local kebab shop.
Wife just fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the couch tonight.
When people get food poisoning they always tell you it came out both ends. But there’s no need to malign the a** in that scenario, the food was going to come out of there regardless of whether it was poisonous
Me: *checking into maternity ward*
Hey, so remember that time when you took the baby so I could sleep?Nurse: Ma’am, this child is seven.
I told all my colleagues at work that I have a twin so that when I see them in public I don’t have to talk to them.
Now responding to all “hello”
DMs with “Adele?”
My friend was going on about how too much of anything is bad, so I said that must include talking and hung up the call
I don’t think Nyquil knows what cherries taste like!
I bought “extra whitening” toothpaste and now my teeth are spending a year in Korea teaching English
“UGH. You know how fast the grass grows in the Spring,” she mowned.
introverts be like “i know a place” then they go home
“This isn’t my first rodeo.” He said, confidently. “Now help me get on this pointy cow.”
Just ruined another 3yo’s life by failing to find a non existent toy they didn’t bring to school
my recent google searches:
— how to colour your own hair
— how to fix a bad dye job
— Wigs By Tiffani
— hats
— making the most of your time in isolation
So hopping on a bandwagon is bad but falling off the wagon is also bad. Which is it society? Where is the acceptable orientation relative to a wagon?
I was born in the wrong time period. I wasn’t meant to go to work every day. I was meant to get eaten by a predator
My wife and I have been happily married for two years. 1997 & 2004