Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m old enough to remember the days of rolling blackouts. Admittedly, they were mostly caused by single malt, but still.

[writing in my journal about the girl I like]
Her hair was soft like really soft hair, her lips surrounded her mouth all the time.

“Of all the cheeses, you are my all-time favourite.”

Me, to whatever cheese I’m currently eating.

There’s nothing funnier than a grown man aggressively dancing at somebody.

Taped a note to the beehive warning the Queen to recall her bees or face a flamethrower. Bitch called and told me to suck her bee clit. 🙁

Trying to explain that I’m fascinated by Japan for wood joinery reasons and not nerd or pervert reasons.

This app would like to use your location. It also wants you to mow the lawn and call your parents more often.

I love how one day my body just decided “You know what you really need is some ear hair.”

No internet for 11 hours. I’ve written two novels, lost 15 pounds, and forgotten how to pronnounce “gif.”

Wrong officer, none of these drugs are being carried with the intent to distribute

4: mommy? *takes bite*

Me: yes, love?

4: *chewing* I’m hungry.

Me: …I have good news

Seriously guys, you have no idea how much nothing I can accomplish when I’m on Twitter.

Dis earing letters?

There’s an ‘app’ for that.

Godzilla represents a desire in all of us for our reputation to shift from being seen as a baddie to a good guy while changing our behaviour in no way, shape or form.

Grandma lied about girls being all over me once I got older

I’m sorry, I refuse to call it Xmas, I’m going to keep calling it Twittermas like before.

[Busy ER]

Patient: So what happens after this?

Me: [stares into distance] Some think heaven. Some think nothing happens. Possibly even limbo until some higher power decides your fate

Patient: So…I meant what happens now you’ve requested an inpatient bed for me?

Me: Oh. Same.

Realtor: I’m sorry but you need to drop your asking price.

Aquaman: absolutely not, it’s oceanfront property.

Realtor: again it’s ocean bottom NOT oceanfront.

Aquaman: but-

Realtor: come on man, four people drowned at the open house.

career fairs are such a disappointment to fair enthusiasts. “fair” is misleading. they should be called jobathons

i have never felt this meme more than after listening to Threedom… good job brahs.

“how to handle stress like a dog: if you can’t eat it or play with it,

Pee on it and walk away.”

I’m single in quarantine and just found a box of googly eyes. I’m going to place them on objects around the house because I miss social anxiety.

Naked yoga in the backyard is the best way to get the neighbors to pay for that privacy fence.

me: welcome to todays episode of cribs! this crib has a bouncy castle, lets check it out

[45 mins later]

camera man: should we see other stuff now?

me: *out of breath* no

Them: hey wanna go to the movies later?

Me: sure what time?

Them: 8:30

Me: *laughs in over 40*

The walk of shame takes on a whole new level when it’s the morning after a Halloween party and you’re dressed as a Ninja Turtle.

*armadillo comes rolling back in the ball return*
“Wait.. if you’re here, then…”
*cut to wife sobbing at bowling ball* “UNCURL, FREDRICK!”

What if animals were injured in the making of a film. would it say ”Tim hurt one monkey… he feels bad.”

CIVIL WAR SPOILER: A lot of people in the South still don’t know they lost.

DOROTHY: What do these shoes do?
GLINDA: Send you home
D: Lame [tries new pair] And these?
G: Wait-
D: [clicks heels]
[turns into hamburger]