Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[first date]

Him: I used to have a lazy eye but I had corrective surgery.

Me [trying to impress]: My entire body’s lazy.

I took a break from social media to spend more time with my family. My family has requested I spend more time with social media.

Her: What’s this new hair stuff?
Me: Just For Men.
Her: Let me try some.
Me: But Honey, it says Just For M-
Her: Pfffft, what are they gonna do, arrest me?

[faint sound of distant sirens growing louder]

I tell people my parents are divorced, but technically we lost my mom in a corn maze

*brings butter gun to butter knife fight*

Be the horrifying backstory of your family’s lineage.

Stephen King’s It is the bone chilling story about adults who are forced to spend time with their childhood friends.

I wish I had the confidence of a person who marks themselves as “safe” on Facebook.

Biden: I painted “Michelle Obama 2020” on your bedroom ceiling

Obama: 😳

Biden: Glow in the dark paint

*seductively removes toilet paper from bottom of shoe*

COP: License and registration please.
ME: *hands him $30 in Kohl’s cash*
COP: What do you think you’re doing?
ME: *slides him 20% Bed Bath & Beyond coupon*
COP: Have a good night.

I put a potato down my pants to impress a girl. Next time I’ll put it down the front.

I’m here!

– Me, excitedly lining up all of my gourmet peanut butters just before my disappointing first meeting at Toastmasters

[on quiz show]
“and if you won some money today keith, what would you do with it?”
*leans way too close into the microphone*
spend it alex

Worst reasons to wake up to a strange voice at 3am:

1. home intruder
2. haunting
3. bluetooth speaker lady complaining she wants more power

It truly bothers me how many people would marry someone just for their money. Because I’m trying to do that & you’re lowering my chances.

My husband wants to make cauliflower crust pizza so now I have to run to the grocery store and find a new husband.

Autocorrect changed “baby rattle” to “baby battle” and now I’m googling where to buy tiny weapons.

It’s 2024 and we have Batman shampoo but STILL no Conditioner Gordon.

*drinking my first beer with my dad*
“I can’t believe you made me eat the other ones”

Dr. House would’ve solved this covid shit in 20 minutes flat.

ive never seen any flies in the house but this spider is getting fat so how do I tip a spider?

GUYS GUYS GUYS, I just saw this dude wearing the stupidest . . . False alarm, just a mirror.

“We were trapped in the elevator and had to make a terrible decision”
Which was?
“We ate Bill”
OMG. How long were you in there?
“4 minutes”

[lying in bed after sex] my dad hit someone with his minivan in 1989.

Yesterday I took my first grade class to meet our new librarian. After leaving, one 6yo asked me if the old librarian left because she wanted to read different books.

Dear Mom & Dad,

Remember that one night in my teens when I stood in the kitchen denying I was drunk, all while slurring, swaying & peeing on the floor? Well, I still resent the accusation.

Love,
The best daughter ever

There is nothing more important to me than my family that I pretend to have when I order takeout over the phone.

I saw this ending much differently.

Nothing shocks you quite like finding out your friend’s younger sibling is an adult with a job and family and is not 12 years old anymore.