Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Judging by this one leg hair I found, I have missed this spot with the razor everyday since 1985. So sexy.

“Everybody loves us weird girls, right up until we start doing weird girl shit,” I say to my cat, as we watch a documentary about serial killers in our matching onesies.

Writing “fake bills” on all my credit card statements and sending them back.

CHRIS: hey can I borrow a ten

KRISTEN: sure

CHRISTEN: thank you

KRIS: anytime

Desperately searching the dating app settings for an option to turn down the difficulty level.

Let’s raise our glasses. I’ll say something then we all touch glasses to acknowledge what I said. We’ll name this action after cooked bread

Diary
June 28 1954
So it turns out my weakness is kryptonite. I can’t tell anybody this.

June 30 1954
I accidentally told Lex. Should be ok

Police found the neighbourhood paedophile shot in the head 27 times. Authorities ruled it the worst case of suicide in a decade.

this atm and my therapist need to get together and pick a lane

🥴

Do not ask for who the bell tolls because it’s whom you monster

I learned two important lessons today. I can’t remember the first lesson, but the second one is I have to start writing things down.

Please, by all means, call my landline. I’ll reply with a postcard attached to a helium balloon

If cats had a cellphone, you’d have 6,729 TikTok notifications from a video they uploaded knocking your vase off the counter.

If dogs had a cellphone, you’d have 42 texts and 3 missed FaceTime calls from when you dared to go to the restroom alone.

If someone asks you a question you don’t want to answer just say, “I don’t know. I ran into a sliding glass door and knocked myself out, and now I’m having trouble remembering things.” That will get them off your back for a week.

Hi guys, got a second date tonight, we’re going to the cinema. What’s the best flavour of soup to put in my thermos? Wanna get this just right

A billionaire has built a submersible, saying he wants to prove it’s still safe to visit the Titanic. Somebody tell these guys it wasn’t even safe to be ON the Titanic!

Worth remembering.

When Dorothy told the scarecrow she’d miss him most, I wanted the lion and tin man to set him on fire. I told my parents that, in case they got any ideas about showing favoritism.

Of all the terrible tweets credited to sausagey-sounding clerics, this one is by Father Wurst.

Doritos – my own personal love triangles.

True story:

I once went on a date and for some reason started talking about dolphins mating. I never saw her again.

They say swans mate for life but I bet if I gave a swan enough tequila I could totally get it to cheat.

Karate Kid (1984) A Japanese man teaches a desperate young boy about bullying by forcing him to fix his house.

“but it will confuse children” is the dumbest talking point. everything confuses children, they’re idiots. do you explain other shit in the world or you just tell them giraffes are strange dogs

[on a 1st date]

Me: I’m just looking to take things slow

Her: *in a wedding dress* me too

The first million people to send me $1.00 will get a copy of my guide on how to become a millionaire on Twitter.

WIFE: Do you think men and women are just hardwired differently?

ME [drinking a bottle of shampoo]: *bubble noises*