The negotiation skills of my 6yo about how many more bites she has to eat make me want her on my side the next time I make an offer to buy a house.
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*watches Beauty and the Beast*
*looks at dirty dishes in sink*
WASH YOURSELVES AND SING TO ME!
My muscle memory: Remember when we had abs?
Me: *presses “Continue” on Netflix
Me: Who cares what astrological sign you are? Phhht, that stuff is so silly.
Also me: I’m logical and scientifically minded because I’m an INTJ…
tall people make me nervous. what the hell are you doing up there? stop eating the leaves off that tree
How dare you call me naive!
I’d sue you for slander if I hadn’t sent all my money to that Nigerian prince.
“Well, first I was afraid… Then I was petrified…”
– Dinosaur explaining how he didn’t survive
Attention!! To Whomever has my voodoo doll… I could really use a back rub.
You can tickle the penguins
And get them to laugh
You can just sing a song
To amuse the giraffes
Just a little soft-shoe
Will delight the woodchucks
But try as you might
You can’t
the quokka and the viscacha look like they’re on opposite ends of the happiness spectrum
So many accidents occur in the home. I once turned a dimmer switch too fast and got beamed into another dimension
Friend: “This is the year I’m going to marry my best friend.”
Me: “This is the year I’m going to train my dog to come when I call him.”
Website: We use cookies to improve performance.
Me: Same.
Date etiquette: The smaller fork is a salad fork. Use the larger fork to eat the salad fork.
*turns my phone upside down like a tip and strip pen*
Everyone naked?
Worst day ever. Accidentally touched a Magic Eraser and now I’m a muggle.
App: This app would like to use your location.
Me: NOT NOW I’M SITTIN’ ON THE TOILET!!
Jimmy Fallon:
Squirrel guest: *tail twitching like crazy*
Jimmy Fallon: HAHAHA that’s so great
Learn to ask more specific questions. It’s not “How do I look?” It’s “Do I look good enough people are surprised I married you?”
We’ve been sending transmissions into space for 100 years, so of course aliens avoid us. Earth is the douchebag at the beach blasting music on their bluetooth radio.
Husband: *singing pop song*
Tween: Mom, do something.
Me: *starts dancing*
I am tired of being a part of a major historical event
Friend: Have you been using that gym membership card I gave you for Christmas?
Me: All the time! Just this morning I used it to scrape ice off my windows and yesterday I used it to cut a cake.
wife, giving birth: we have got to get to the hospital ASAP
me: who’s all gonna be there
law suits: quality garments for lawyers
Sorry, Ghostbusters.
At best, I might email or text you.
Okay Canada. You’ve made your point.
Will you take winter back now?
Please?
Boyfriend: isn’t this romantic watching the sunset?
Me: ugh, no. I’ve seen this one before
I like to put a banana in a string of hahahahahahahahaha ‘s
No one notices, I dont know why I bother.
hahahabananahahaha
the way this pissed me off… 😭
Head Chef: You’re fired.
Me: Is it because when I grate cheese-
Head Chef: Yes it’s because you call it shreddie cheddie.