The negotiation skills of my 6yo about how many more bites she has to eat make me want her on my side the next time I make an offer to buy a house.
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Just some repair guys and me at work right now. If a pizza delivery guy and a director show up, I’m leaving.
It’s 10:25pm and one of my kids just came downstairs and asked what’s for dinner.
I guess I need to start doing head counts from now on.
When people write to tell me I’m not good at comedy, I reply “Well you’re not good at fan mail” then we all laugh &they are proved wrong.
First time seeing these brilliant print ads for Scrabble today. Published in Ukraine in August 2014 by ad agency Twiga.
the stickiest of King Arthur’s knights was Sir Up
11yo son just walked by.
If Axe was a drug, I’d be stoned right now.
friend: you can kill ants with a magnifying glass
[later at thanksgiving dinner]
aunt: aww what are you doing with that magnifying glass?
me: i’m gonna beat you to death with it
The restaurant scene from When Harry Met Sally, but just me getting a pat down from airport security.
You have two wolves inside you.
Should have ordered an appetizer.
There’s nothing my kid can’t do. Except anything I tell him.
“Your dinner is good, but my taste buds can’t appreciate it” my son said, so I guess he’ll have a great career in politics
Why do they call it “delivering” a baby? If I have to drive to the hospital and then take the baby home, it’s not delivery, it’s baby takeout.
ibopfufen
Computer: choose a password
Me: mysocks
Computer: confirm password
Me: mysocks
Computer: passwords do not match
Actually resolved an argument between my wife and my 16 year-old daughter. Now being deployed to the Middle East to broker peace.
Hey you mystery solving kids, your dog talks. Have you ever considered the possibility that he too is a cranky old dude in a rubber mask?
My son couldn’t find his shoes, so I told him that I hid his allowance in them and it’s amazing how fast he found them.
Welcome to your 40’s. Quality pens turn you on now.
why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the powerpuff girls did in 11 minutes
‘Bring your child to work day’ discriminates against those of us who choose not to have a job.
Turns out if you speak with an English accent during an interview it’s expected that you’ll continue to speak w/accent after you’re hired
When anyone in my family gets out a board game I just storm over and flip the table before the game even starts.
Why delay the inevitable?
I got into a fight with 1, 3, 5, 7, and 9.
The odds were against me.
hey we’re calling off the search party. we found a different guy out there we like more
If you want to hide something from me, put it in the fridge. there are several things there celebrating birthday
Making friends was so much easier as a kid.
5: This is the smallest finger I have.
Other 5yo at the park: Well this is the smallest finger I have!
Both: (giggle)
What idiot called them “Female condoms” and not Estrojans?