The neighbor has a sign next to the sidewalk under his tree reading, “Caution, this tree has a history of dropping branches.” A “history”? Does this tree have a rap sheet? Is he a bad influence on my trees?
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Everyone: Wow, I love your official animal.
Aussies: Thanks, it has pockets.
Yes we left some guests inside the park last night. yes we’re going back for them. Calm down
[In football huddle]
“What do you guys think happens when we die?”
I’ll leave a to-do list on the table in case any of you stalkers get bored.
The dog hair situation became dire and I had to lint-roll my face.
Her: You’re a dumpster fire
Me: So you think I’m hot??
Mirror: If you break me, it’s 7yrs bad luck.
Condom: LOL
I move your wet panties to one side and, very gently, manage to fit another pair of socks on the radiator.
I went to get fingerprinted for my new job, and in hindsight I probably shouldn’t have been so enthusiastic when the tech asked “Have you ever been fingerprinted before?” And my reply was “Oh yeah, for SURE.”
“Objection your honor, the defense is badg-”
BADGERING THE WITNESS! JINX! You can’t talk.
*Judge gives a respectful nod* “Case dismissed.”
When you “pspspsp” too hard
My 3-year-old stubbed his toe and then cried and screamed I’M DYING,” so I silently looked at my husband and he sighed and said, “I know. He got that from me.”
[months from now]
CDC: aight it’s safe to go outside
Me: *now fluent in 6 languages, daily phone calls with grandma, black belt, 8 hours+ sleep each night, skin looks AMAZING, befriended a spunky spider under the fridge* are…are you sure?
It’s saturday night you know what *that* means? right, cleaning toilets
just found out I have poison ivy and the doctor gave me steroids so I guess now the plan is to get super jacked and go back and fight that plant
Why is “silly goose” a phrase have u ever met a goose they are the most serious and powerful dinosaur lookin monsters I’ve ever encountered not one of them is silly
Got kicked off from Instagram for eating my food before posting a pic of it.
“Some people put a ton of research into their fantasy football team but I don’t get crazy with it” -my bf using two monitors with 3 spreadsheets and 10 tabs open
[ad for milk]
give your Skeleton strength for the war to come
Told my teen “I love you” when I dropped her off at school this morning and she replied “Thank you”
So if history has taught me anything, she’s probably leaving me for another mom soon.
Me: My wife says I never pay attention
Her: I’m not your wife
[Meeting]
*Gestures to pie chart* “Now as you can see this chart is not nearly as delicious as it sounds.”
I saw a lady run for the train today and I had to suppress my Olympic viewing tendency to cheer for her.
*seats stuffed animals around the table for a team meeting*
Everyone, I think I’ve been working from home for too long.
Coworker: It’ll either work or it won’t.
Me: Yes. Those would be the two possible outcomes.
these fake antiques roadshow captions are so funny to me
[A THREAD]
Avalanches won my recent poll of the world’s favourite natural disasters, by a landslide.
Kid: *from the back seat* Daddy, when a snowflake gets made, how does one side know what the other side looks like?
Me: It’s because…holy shit
Kid: You just ran that stop sign
Me: Shut up give me a second
Me: What’s strange today may be normal tomorrow.
Home Depot employee: Sir, stop varnishing your body.
Cowboy outfits should be called ranch dressing.