The neighbor has a sign next to the sidewalk under his tree reading, “Caution, this tree has a history of dropping branches.” A “history”? Does this tree have a rap sheet? Is he a bad influence on my trees?
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Toddlers are like ants only instead of carrying 20x their body weight, they take up 20x their body size in your bed
So there I was standing in an art gallery quietly appreciating the work when my ex noticed me at a display and decided to approach.
She said “I suppose you like this hideous monstrosity?”
And I said, “That’s a mirror”.
Which was nice.
Always use a fish knife when eating fish, a tomato knife when eating tomato, and a Swiss Army knife when eating a member of the Swiss army.
I have the body of a 21 year old bodybuilder. Can I borrow a shovel?
*at boss’s funeral, kneeling and whispering at coffin*
Who’s “thinking outside the box” now, Gary? Not you that’s for sure
Mom there’s a boogie man in my closet!
*mom looks and I’m standing there with an afro in a satin shirt and platform shoes
Yes I can speak a foreign language if you count when I talk about the 80s in front of my nephews.
if you play guitar in a band, always make sure to look like it hurts to play
H: where did you move after your divorce?
Me: On.
I moved on.
My dog couldn’t find his favorite toy so I got on my hands and knees and crawled around the house for 10 minutes looking under all the furniture, and he was SO excited for me to be down there with him, I could tell he was like “YES she finally figured out how to walk”
[at a loud bar]
HIM: [yelling] DO U HAVE ANY PLANS AFTER THIS?
HER: [also yelling] YES I DO ACTUALLY HAVE PLANTS THAT I KISS
When I take a walk, I bring dog treats and people treats. I almost never mix them up.
WIFE: Can you send these party invites out?
ME: Sure *throws them out window*
WIFE: Did you-
ME: If they’re meant to come, they’ll come.
I just watched a video about a 9-year-old kid who recently graduated high school and wants to become an astrophysicist. I had to Google “How do you spell astrophysicist?”
billy joel: we didn’t start the fire
detective: I haven’t mentioned a fire
billy joel: shit
Are you there God? It’s me, Margaret.
YES MY CHILD
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Are you bored? Try something new! Draw a picture! Write a story! Strip naked, paint yourself green, and hide in a zucchini patch!
Now’s a good time to change your facebook name to “Nobody,” so when you click like on ignorant statuses it says, “Nobody likes this.”
They say that over time pets will start to resemble their owners and I didn’t believe it until I found my cat fast asleep in front of his food bowl
Loving thy neighbour was easier before leaf blowers.
*immediately after a hysterectomy*
ok weigh me now.
Turns out that ending meetings with “have the day you deserve” has made me some enemies at work.
the tiny monsters are on their way. and my job. is to hold this bucket of snacks for them. i was told they can only take one. but that’s not my rule to enforce
If you haven’t been to the Grand Canyon, I highly recommend it. It’s just gorges
My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.
her: what shall we eat tonight? any ideas?
me: I’ll just call the pizza guy
her: ok
[later]
pizza guy: you could make a nice lasagname: love it
I told him to drive me crazy in the bedroom, so he put the window blinds at different heights.
[unhooks bra on 3rd try]
“Sir, please don’t touch the mannequins.”
I ordered one of those Tempura mattresses. Way too crunchy.
When I force-quit my computer and then start it again, it turns into my parents. It’s not angry, just disappointed that Windows was not shut down properly.