The neighbor heard me talking to myself so I had to pretend to be on the phone.. again
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them: hold your horses
me: *immediately drops one*
I bet everyone had that one weird uncle who taught them how to do weird stuff like forage for berries or catch upstream salmon in their mouths and sleep for 6 months at a time just like my Uncle Bear
I accidentally hit my sister over the head with a frying pan when we were kids. To this day, she doesn’t believe it was an accident. Also to this day, I think it was hilarious.
*narrows eyes*
You wouldn’t write it like that unless you poisoned the firgs
I truly wonder what it sounded like when Medusa washed her hair at night.
Biden: I wanna join the protest.
Obama: Joe, we’ve been over this.
Biden: But they’re–
Obama: How about some ice cream?
.
.
.
Biden: Okay.
The last 60+ Miss Universe pageant winners have been from earth I don’t know man, seems fixed.
Satan: Welcome to Hell. Did you happen to be a Twitter user when you were alive?
Me: Yes
Satan: Oh okay then we can skip orientation.
God creating the duck: waterproof that chicken and give it a kazoo
I wish I had the confidence of someone who would let themselves be tattooed in a place they can’t see.
*office*
Me:…
Coworker:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:*puts headphones on*
CW: Hey just sent you an email
Me: Loving this juice cleanse.
Wife: That’s sangria.
I yelled at my cat and the other cats yelled at me like wow k pay my mortgage then
ME: *getting daily intelligence briefing*
ADVISOR: *shakes head* you still don’t have any
Just heard that distinct “baby fell out of the crib and into a pizza that was on the floor” sound
Body: time to sleep.
Brain: hey that’s an interesting thought, here’s six billion more.
“I’m afraid you need to keep shoes on in the library.”
“Or else?”
“You’ll be asked to leave.”
“I don’t care.”
“Also I will summon the power to disappear the sun from the sky for several minutes.”
“Fine, I’ll put ’em on.”
“Thanks. …I uh, I may do the sun thing anyway, just FYI.”
Gluten-free, low salt, no sugar all-natural whole grain bread?
The only thing “natural” about this product is the urge to get away from it.
me, disguised as a lamb: *into earpiece* target is headed to school
spy hq: none suspect you, right?
me: roger
spy hq: keep her in sight
[later]
teacher: mary, does your lamb follow you everywhere you go?
me: i’ve been made
spy hq: abort mission! ABORT!! ABORT!!!
What if everyone had the same neckline as Troi?
Imagine your card gets declined at Hogwarts and you have to go to public wizarding school
Arachnophobia is stupid I mean why are we all terrified of a bug that knits all day?
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why don’t they put a scratch and sniff box on recipes?
Pandas, skunks and zebras are the oldest species on Earth, dating back to long before colour was invented.
Cute stranger: *smiles at me*
Me: *already imagining who will get custody of the dog*
Can’t. Sorry…
As a recovering nice-aholic I have to abstain from that sort of thing.
[Describing guy who just mugged me to sketch artist]
“He was literally kermit the frog”
You know when kids get a break at school and they go to the playground and they just run around and scream?
I think I should be allowed to do that in the car park at work
Saw my son pretending to pole vault with a curtain rod. It took me a good 10 mins to realize it meant there were curtains down somewhere.