The neighbor heard me talking to myself so I had to pretend to be on the phone.. again
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Not right now, protecting the 50 lb pit bull from the scary washing machine.
To everyone in this doctors waiting room: calm down. I’ll hit the right note on my trumpet eventually.
Fair play to the crow who visits the roof outside my window first thing each morning, and whose cawing has the exact pitch and rhythm as the reversing alert on the recycling lorry, sending me into a blind panic that I’ve forgotten to put the bins out.
I was getting my mail today and my neighbor asked me if I was gay and I was like “what?” He said he was only asking because of my rainbow lanyard and I was like “oh no it’s much weirder than that.”
The average person eats 35,000 cookies before they die.
I think it would take far less if you tried to do that amount in one sitting.
The cable guy was on my street and asked me what time it was.
I told him it’s between 8am and 12pm.
A couple of weeks ago we had an icebreaker during my graduate seminar and the question was “What is your irrational fear?” My answer was “hammerhead sharks”. And today in class I walked in and saw this:
Stick it to the man
Sometimes you don’t realize how much you say “ooh la la” till they play your 911 call on the local news
Yesterday I wore something from 10 years ago that actually fit…It was a scarf but still
Inevitably, you will meet someone who looks like a sturgeon. Now that you know, it won’t take you by surprise.
fixed it
wife: *from the kitchen* sweetie, where are the coffee filters?
me:
Ordering from Amazon is so easy, and they have all my favorite brands like Wealurre, MAXIFFE, GVY, SUNNOW, EHEYCIGA and Trendy Queen.
wife: what’d the doctor say?
me: she said i gotta quit drinking
wife: oh, do you think you’ll be able to do that?
me: yeah *pulls beersicles from freezer* i got a plan
My superpower is morphing my political views to align perfectly with whoever is driving my Uber.
My neighbor bought a fancy ride-on mower for a quarter-acre backyard. That’s like buying a motorcycle you only ride to the mailbox.
Dads are proud of horror movie characters never turning the lights on
bought wrong eggs
The last apple tree in the world shrivels up and dies. In the distance a horde of doctors are ready.
Sat next to a cute family at church yesterday. The little girl yells, mom I smell beer! It’s not beer it’s whiskey. Read a book stupid kid.
“I DON’T CARE IF YOU THINK IT SOUNDS GROSS THAT’S WHAT WE’RE CALLING IT” – Guy who named the sweater.
me: haha no I’m not ready to have kids yet
landlord: no not parent, “pay rent.”
me: don’t get me started. i’m not compensated well at work whatsoever.
landlord: NO NOT PAY RANT!
Why do customers threaten you with “I’m not coming back here” alright Gertrude see if I care? If anything ur doing me a favour luv x
My daughter asked me this morning
if this year for Halloween
instead of a mermaid
she could be a wet ghost.Um, a what now?!
This child was talking about a damn JELLYFISH
First date idea: I lean in close and surprise you with a wet willy.
You fools! Whether or not
Die Hard is a Christmas movie doesn’t really matter. The tradition of arguing over it is what counts. 🎄🎅🏻🌃
Having survived numerous mysterious strangers attempting to kill him as a child, Hitler swore revenge on a cruel world.
Don’t get mad. Get odd. Like incredibly odd. Show up in a clown suit to their work. Draw potatoes on all their mirrors. Make them be afraid.
Me: I’m pretty brave.
Wife: You shrieked in terror at a potato.
Me: It had stuff growing out of it. I could’ve died.