The neighbor is having an open home
How long should I stand at my front door naked yelling at birds?
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“go to hell” is basic. “i hope James cordon plays a starring role in the movie of your favorite musical” is real. it’s possible. it’s terrifying.
if this is wile e. coyote again I’m gonna be so mad
me: when I was your age, I had to work for everything I had, your generation is just looking for handouts u lazy piece of shit
baby:
[Married pillow-talk]
Husband: What’s your deepest fantasy?
Me: That when our kids eat dinner they don’t leave any crumbs under the table.
We have a lot of famous Chrises;
Hemsworth, Evans, Pratt, Pine, and the infamous -tal Meth
Nice shoes. Where’d you get them?
Him: …
*peeks under bathroom stall*
Did you hear me?
Alien 1: we’re abducting you
Alien 2: taking you to our home planet
Me: oh no, captured on a planet full of aliens
Alien 1: actually since it’s our planet, you’re the alien
Me: good point. that means I’m the one who does the probing
Alien 1: wait, no-
Alien 2: she’s right Blork
Hey Pringles, It’s time to widen the can. Your core demographic isn’t exactly thin-wristed. Thank you!
Starting a diet is a lot like starting a lawn mower, you struggle and sweat and end up on the couch eating ice cream with your shirt off.
Me: Should I measure this in miles or kilometers?
Scientist: It doesn’t matter right now just pick something.
Me: What do you mean just pick something??
Scientist: Desperate times call for desperate measures.
Gotta get to bed early-tomorrow I’m bringing down the recycling
diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.
Mom, here’s a picture of my bf, he’s a musician
“That’s just the stock image that comes with the frame”
ur wrong, mom. Me and DJ 8×10 are in love
The date didn’t go well but she was nice enough to send a PDF of everything I did wrong afterwards.
For Christmas my wife gave me a coupon for “Swimming with Sharks.”
I got her a coupon for “Bungee Jumping.”
We both have a death wish or we have been together too long.
Grandpa: “I was at Normandy.”
Dad: “I was at the Battle of Khe Sanh.”
Me: “I once went to Kohl’s on Christmas Eve.”
Everyone: *gasps*
[Phone Call]
Me: My hair has never been this long before
Her: How does it look?
Me: Picture Jim Halpert in Season 1 of The Office…
Her: Oh well that’s actually kinda cu…
Me: …with a big bald spot on top.
Them: You should try keto
Me:
Coworker: how was your thanksgiving?
Me: ……….. I assume you want me to hear about yours?
16: ‘What’s an inheritance tax?’
Me: ‘Nothing you need to be concerned about.’
Priest: for what have you come to ask forgiveness, my dear?
Me: my student loans
Priest: [to god] can…can she do that?
As a child, ‘The Jetsons’ gave me unrealistic expectations for the future: like having a wife who loves me & owning a dog.
How does a mule unlock a door?
With a don-key.
#MuleDay #RubbishJokes
[making out]
her: did u bring protection
me: yes
her: where is it
me: hey Frank
[voice from under bed] yeah boss?
“the best laid plans of mice & men oft go astray” sure but i bet mice are bringing down the average
is this a threat
Every craft store needs an aisle labeled So Your Child Has a School Project Due Tomorrow.