Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hydrate the goths. No government stands a chance against hydrated goths.

me: how do you say one in Spanish anyway

them: uno

me: no i don’t

I could’ve chosen a life of crime but it seems like it would interfere with my 9pm bedtime.

Will Smith: Here come the Men in Brown.

UPS Guy: You can just sign for your delivery?

A guy walks into a bear and orders a drink. He didn’t notice my typo. Anyway, he’s dead now.

“Just the tip,” I whisper seductively to the pizza delivery guy, hoping he fulfills my fantasy of not charging me for the pizza.

Cop: Admit it! You killed that family

Murderer: You can’t prove anything…

Cop: You know, you’re actually called “Murderer” in this thing

Honestly, ladies, pockets aren’t all that they’re hyped up to be.

*finding the car key fob in three pieces in the dryer

You’ve heard of Christ on a cracker, now get ready for Beelzebub on a biscuit

Child: I can’t wait to be older.

Me [tweezing grey hairs growing out of my ear]: There is literally no greater joy.

I could tell by the way she was pouring gasoline on a pile of my clothes, that the relationship had hit some turbulence.

Had a customer accuse me of working at home (I work in a quiet office), said she could hear my wife and kids in the background. I don’t know if she’s delusional or if I should get out immediately.

Facebook: Here are some people you may know
Me: I don’t know them
Facebook: Ok I’ll ask you again next time
Me: No, I still won’t know them
Facebook: ok lol
Me: I’m serious
Facebook: Haha ok
Me: You gonna stop it?
Facebook: *winks* yes
Me: Did you just wink?
Facebook: *winks* no

Coming soon to Fox and Friends: a crime fighting duo useless at stopping mass shootings. They are THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS, Wednesdays at 9 pm.

My husband thinks he can just order me around like he’s one of the cats.

-Someone keeps phoning up pretending to be my grandmother. It’s a prank, I don’t know what else to call it.
-Shenanigan?
-Don’t you start.

“Why KFC calling you at 1:36am?

Me: It doesn’t have a tail, so I’m pretty sure it’s a hamster.

Tech support: *sigh*

Fine. Right click on your hamster…

I used to brag that my dad worked in the food court.
I thought he was a food lawyer. Shoulda wondered why a lawyer would wear a sbarro shirt

Moderator: your word is “impatient”

Sloth: can you use it

Moderator: in a sentence yes “i am growing imp-“

Sloth: in a

Moderator: you know what close enough *ding*

Sloth: oh great thank you

Moderator: what the

(confronts Beck in line at Jamba Juice, holds up hurried sketch of Beyonce, aggressively does “Single Ladies” dance)

Sometimes my views are right wing, sometimes left, it just depends where I’m sat on the airplane.

Welcome to your forties. People think you’re a great listener but really you just mastered sleeping with your eyes open.

hi why am I like this

They say that 50 is the new 40, but these traffic police are having none of it.

Saying “I’m having a heavy period day”
– boring
– depressing

Saying “bro my flow is crazy”
– dope
– could be a rapper

Them: What did you make for dinner?

Me: Arroz con pollo

Them: What’s that?

Me: Chicken and rice

Them: Why didn’t you just say that?

Me: 🤦‍♀️

Other people were raised to kiss the chef if they found a bay leaf in their food too, right? Why is this restaurant asking me to leave

[my coffin lowering into the grave]

wait guys shouldn’t I be dead

[coffin starts lowering faster]