The neighbor is having an open home
How long should I stand at my front door naked yelling at birds?
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Party Tip:
At a 3-year-old’s birthday party, you can piss all over the bathroom. ALL OVER!!!! Nobody will suspect you.
ME: I’ve finally adjusted to daylight savings time
WIFE: really
ME: really
WIFE: *takes cat out of fridge*
ME: *stops petting the milk*
Someone was saying that social media makes you miss out on your real life, but have you seen real life?
my body is a machine that turns traumatic experiences into 10 likes on twitter
Any dogs trainers on this app? How do I train my dog to make margaritas?
Cavemen were like ‘kill two pterodactyls with one pstone’
ME WHEN A NORMAL BUG IS ON ME: Eww.
ME WHEN A LADYBUG IS ON ME: Evening, Ma’am.
What?
No one is more disappointed about you driving the speed limit than the cop pacing you, thinking he’s cleverly disguised in his marked Ford Explorer.
Remember, don’t stoop to their level. If someone is murdering you, tell them their knife is cool and they’re good at stabbing. Be nice
(watching The Exorcist) She gets to miss so much school
Today sucked so bad I had to stop by the liquor store on my way to the bar
I alway get the same thing every year for Christmas. Fat
Who thought blowing out candles on a cake was a good tradition? Ah yes; wax would go well with this cake and you know what else? Child spit.
When someone pisses me off, I plan my revenge in my head.
Then I realize how long that will take and I take a nap instead.
At my funeral I want there to be a big ‘live laugh love’ sign with the ‘live’ crossed out
We made fun of recipe bloggers for including stories but now online recipes are actual hell. It used to be a cute story about a trip to Italy but now you have to search through “17 techniques for chopping garlic” and “8 tools you could use for garlic chopping (Amazon links included)” and 12 ads to MAYBE find the recipe.
If you ring my doorbell on election night and ask for candy you WILL get it.
Last night my 3 year old screamed “DON’T TAKE MY BANDAID OFF! I DO IT!” in her sleep, in case you were wondering what toddlers have nightmares about.
A Hallmark movie where the heroine is such a Karen that she ruins Christmas, the adorable son of the widower tells her to go back to her law firm in the city, and ends with the whole town chasing her with pitchforks.
“Hi, how much for a slice of pizza?”
A slice is $2.50, and second slice only $1.
“I’d like 3 second slices please”
Obama says he supports gay marriage because his views have “evolved.” Republicans unsure which half of the sentence to get more angry about.
Ear cleaning technician sounds like a solid career path. As far as we know people are going to have ears.
Beautiful day in Ohio. Went out for a run but I was back home in a couple of minutes because I forgot something. I forgot that I’m old and fat and can’t run for more than two minutes. if that.
[House hunters]
Pigs: we’d really love a brick house
Wolf realtor: how do we feel about wood tho?
Still writing 2023 on all my ransom notes.
*I sit bolt upright in bed, drenched in sweat*
HER: Did you have the zombie nightmare again?
ME: (thinking about the time everybody sang ‘happy birthday’ to me and I accidentally joined in) Yes
If they don’t want me to ash on the floor,maybe they should put some ashtrays in this gym
The most unbelievable part of the Bible is a 32-year-old man with twelve close friends.
calling in to work dehydrated