Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Kid 1: *crying bc sunscreen is in his eye*

Kid 2: *crying bc she has sand in her hair*

Kid 3: *crying bc flies are biting her*

Me: Alright, kids, I think it’s time we leave the beach.

Also kids: ALREADY?!?

I don’t like papier-mâché because it exposes children to both glue and French.

Hate when Walmart doesn’t have what I need & I have to go home, change out of my pajamas & brush my hair so I can go to Target

My neighbour’s toddler just told me I look 20 months old so that made my day.

Some people have bedroom eyes. I have interrogation room eyes.

he chose this

Give me the unsend button you stupid bird

And YOU get a vegetable pod!

And YOU get a vegetable pod!

And YOU get a vegetable pod!

And YOU get a vegetable pod!

~ The Okra Show

I’m getting birthday cake because it’s someone’s birthday somewhere

i like my men like i like my coffee, secretly alcoholic.

Googling definitions of well known words daily so if I need to I can plead insanity

It’s that time of the year when you are equally sweaty 2 minutes before and after shower.

My husband just yelled, “WE DONT GOAT SCREAM IN THE HOUSE!” In case you’re wondering how quarantine is going.

MANAGER: Great news guys, I finally got us a gig

BAND: Thank God! Finally!

MANAGER: *installing RAM* Yeah it’ll make this PC way faster

what it’s like dating me:

I’m never hungrier than when someone says they’re paying

Dad loved to say “there’s no price tag, must be free,” or, “there’s no expiration date, must be good,” now we hardly talk except when he calls from jail with food poisoning.

Future generations will never have to live in unprecedented times, because we’re precedenting the Hell out of everything right now.

Me: *staring at leftovers* I think I’ll save the rest of this for later.

[10 mins later]

Also me: I guess this is later enough.

DAD: when your grandpa died we planted that tree so we don’t forget him

ME: cool

[later]

TREE: You still remember grandpa chuck?

ME: yeah

TREE: cool just checkin

Why put it off till tomorrow when you can get a jumpstart and start screwing it up today.

the three bears:

Goldilocks: your house is a total disgrace it’s like you gave no consideration to what I, the trespasser, might like

M: Come to bed…
Her: I have a headache
M: You’re a robot!
H:
M:
H: …SELF DESTRUCT

[BOOM]

M: Nice try but you’re still under warranty!

Inflation is definitely out of hand when hot cross buns are £1.25 for 4 when they used to be 1 a penny, 2 a penny.

Today I learned that wolves are not ticklish. Tomorrow I need to learn how to tie my shoes with one hand.

Me: Ok, who got Oreo filling on the couch?
Husband:
4:
7:
Me: Well…
7: It really could have been any of us.
4: (licks couch)

Hiphop cereal idea: Ludacrisp

Obi-wan: You don’t have a shot with Padmé.

Anakin: Don’t underestimate my charm.

*stares at her creepily for the rest of the movie*

Me *dying* no, no, no, I can’t join the afterlife with these on

[Later]
Wife: What the hell is that noise?
Son: I think that ghost is wearing flip flops

me: I’d like to buy a hotdog with ketchup please

vendor: sorry cash only