Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Shout-out to my embarrassingly squeaky ass bed frame that makes me sound more popular than I actually am to my neighbors.

Your friends will stand by you even when you’re at your worst because people are stupid

Today’s PSA:
No one can “get your goat” if you don’t let your goat get got.

-You’re welcome

No, of course I’m not mad.

It’s fine.

*goes home, starts building a Death Star.

For a very modest fee, I will dress as a clown and stand in your garden. If you pay me more, I won’t do that.

Play the long game? You mean Monopoly?

Unfortunately, I cannot marry my high school sweetheart bc the state does not recognize a union between a woman and a Legolas poster.

What’s green, fuzzy, has four legs, and will kill you if it falls out of a tree?

.

.

A pool table

“Pardon me. Might I murder you with my musket? Yes? Excellent news, kind sir!” – The Very Civil War

Me: Guys, please, I just need 5 minutes without a question, so I can finish this.
4yos:
Me:
4yos:
Me:
4yo: Why do you need 5 minutes, Daddy?

“WHAT DO WE WANT?”

i havent decided yet

“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?”

i still need a few more mins with the menu you are a really terrible waiter

I hugged my husband when he got home from work and he seemed nervous. I knew something was off. The scent on his shirt smelled familiar then it hit me he cheated on me with my favorite restaurant. He smelled like shame and garlic bread.

My lack of pants is nobody’s business.

The 7-yr old has the flu so I’m letting her lick the envelopes of all my credit card bills.

Friend: Man he drinks like a fish.

Me: [crouched in a tiny pirate castle with a 12 pack] I’m freaking the hell out.

Yeah. I got blocked on ours for being sarcastic.

They all got panicked about an Asian guy in a van following kids around slowly. It was the Amazon guy delivering parcels.

Next day I started a post about a bloke with a red van putting stuff through people’s doors. Blocked.

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anon_opin 😡🗯
@anon_opin
There’s no-one who can get more drunk on power than the admin of a village Facebook group

i just saw a black girl rt one of those teenage girl accounts saying “i honestly wish I was a teen in the 50’s”………. no u don’t

Hot people do not eat as many egg sandwiches as I do and I’ve made my peace with that

I used to make fun of people who had diaries that lock, that is until my husband found the one I kept as a teenager and now he knows that my favorite song of 1986 was Jimmy Jimmy by Madonna and he brings it up when I need to be put in my place which is often btw

Dog The Bounty Hunter’s greatest weakness is getting distracted when the fugitive throws a tennis ball.

Marge is going for a more natural hairstyle

If you’re wondering if humans are idiots we hunt ducks with guns when they will walk right up to you if you have bread

PROSECUTOR: you chipped a golf ball down a clowns throat

ME: i honestly thought that was part of the course

A true master of balance is someone who can saunter over to your table, drink in each hand, while being three sheets to the wind, and not spill a drop!

“Do you like Tolstoy?”
“Of course. Who doesn’t?”
“What’s your favourite book?”
“The one where Woody is kidnapped & Buzz tries to save him”.

Isn’t is weird how we have one million dog breeds and everyone is like “goldendoodle” this or “chihuahua mix” that and if you ask someone what type of cat they have it’s just like “an orange one”

*leans in for a kiss*

DENTIST: stop that

Thinking about going to 50 Shades and eating loudly the whole time.

*meeting a medium for the first time*

Medium: There’s a maternal figure coming through. She loves you very much.

Me: Are there dinosaurs in Heaven?

[being robbed]

Me: careful.. I’m ARMED

*whips out bible

Robber: lol

*pulls gun out of bible

R: oh

*pulls smaller bible out of gun