Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I found a message in a bottle. It said: don’t pollute.

After all these years I still know how to make my husband moan loudly, I just ask him to do a chore around the house.

I just finished cleaning the house for Thanksgiving, so if you’re looking for my family they’ll be in the backyard until Thursday.

I’m giving up for Lent.

Maybe I misheard him…

But I think God just told me to start building a really big goat.

DAUGHTER: im gonna sing without moving my lips

ME: why?

DAUGHTER:

ME: you’re right that was a dumb question. Let’s hear it

Like an octopus negotiating a roomful of toddlers, I negotiate a roomful of toddlers.

Some people like pineapple on pizza and some people like pizza on pineapple

Kid at skatepark:
“Are you Tony Hawk?”
me: I am
him: “no you’re not”
me: ok, I’m not
him: “but are you, FOR REAL?”
me: I am, for real
him: I thought you’d look younger
me: ME TOO

By the end of shelter at home, my house will be spotless. Oh sure, I’ll be drunk and confused, but so will the germs.

“siri i want 2 get up at 8 oclock”
u’ve bought a potato clock
“no siri the TIME 8 oclock”
u’ve bought a tomato clock
“si…”
u bought 100 eggs

[on phone with poison control] How much would I have to swallow to be just sick enough to miss work for a few days?

We really are the most blessed generation. We’ve had 7 iPhones and 7 Fast and Furious movies.

All dates are ‘blind dates.’

The biological structure of fruit plants do not allow eye growth, therefore rendering them incapable of sight.

At my last colonoscopy I had the doctor write a note to my wife stating that my head was NOT up there…

If I wasn’t supposed to have vodka for breakfast they shouldn’t have made it taste so good with orange juice.

[guy who invented windshield wipers] make sure it smudges the part where they have to see.

If a tiger goes to bite you, confuse him by french kissing him.

You’ll probably still die, but at least you got to make out w/ a tiger.

The bag of chocolate macaroons I bought are not resealable. I’m taking this as an indicator that it is 1 serving

The best job ever? Sleeping Beauty at Disney World. You just lay down all day. If anyone bothers you, it’s like excuse me, I’m working here.

Husband: *begs me to watch Lord of the Rings for the past 10 years.

*finally watches it*

Me: Why didn’t you recommend it sooner?

dad: what should we name him

mom: something beautiful

dad: something unique

mom: any ideas

dad: matt

mom: ok

Family dinners are fun because we start out as a family of 6 & then after everyone gets in trouble for acting up it’s a dinner for two.

I want to be cremated and put into a tiny casket and have 4 raccoons as pall bearers.

I’m killing this last will and testament.

A Cobra wanted to fight me but I challenged him to a thumb war and he slitthered away embarrassed.

even bears disappoint their mothers

If I owned a roofing business, I’d call it What in Tar Nation or We’ve Got Shingles or We’re Not Eavesdropping or We Are the Leaders or We Gotchu Covered or

Guys in motorcycle clubs should have to go door to door like Mormon missionaries.

I don’t really wanna join but I’d like to be asked

Hey Mommy can you spend an hour building this intricate race track only for me to tell you I don’t want to play with it after all?

-every kid ever

When you wish you could tell someone that won’t stop talking “Okay we’re out of time today” just like a therapist.