The neighbor woke me up with his lawn mower. I’m going to sit outside and play my recorder all day.
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Doctor: You have 6 months to live
Me: omg what can I do?
Doctor: Oh lots of things
Me: Phew
Doctor: but only for 6 months
Your case is very difficult to win. When I walk outside just follow me and run away
[supermarket]
Woman, to hubs: There’s no such thing as too much cheese!
Me: *peels a cheddar slice from my emergency roll*
M: *writes my cell number on it* I like your style babe, call me
M: *eats the cheese* DAGNABBIT!
M: *peels a cheddar slice from…
If happiness is a moving target and I’ve been chasing it all my life, why am I fat?
The Office: Coronavirus
Michael ignores the “work from home” memo because he thinks that everyone should be together at a time like this
Dwight acts completely normal & claims genetic immunity
Angela wears a hazmat suit
Kevin says that he’s had it for weeks & feels fine
Next time a man invites me to his house without getting to know me, I’m going to go but I’m going to steal his microwave plate. Like straight up take that shit.
I can’t tackle you with a fire suppression blanket unless I practice.
🎵If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my gourds🎵
~ The Pumpkin Spice Girls
what the
The toughest part of any long distance relationship is the 6 hour drive to slash their tires.
*tapping DJ on the shoulder* YOU NEVER SAID WHAT TO DO WITH OUR HANDS IF WE DO CARE
I like to go camping so I can come home with a renewed appreciation for my house.
Wanna know what 1000 marbles spilling on a tile floor sounds like?
Have kids.
Saw a TV at the dumpster with a sign that said ‘free TV’ and boy do I feel stupid, I paid $200 for the last TV sitting at a dumpster
ZOO BOSS: You’re fired!
ME: Is it because I cross bred a dog with a zebra and called it a Debra, after my wife?
BOSS: Yes. Yes it is.
Saw Top Gun, and I think with the right amount of mustache, I could definitely fly a jet.
If you hold a cat by the tail you learn things you cannot learn any other way.
Mary had a little lamb.
The doctor fainted.
I finally got to my parents house after a 7 hour drive. It’s 1am. why is my sisters cat watching Pawn Stars?
Don’t be jealous but my daughter just told me a 95 minute story about a cough drop.
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Her: I’m a stay at home mom
Me: *leans in close* then what are you doing outside of that house
Maybe vet’s office should come with a doggy park just like any DMV should come with a bar
linkedin the good parts
9: dad I don’t want to sleep in my room alone tonight. Can I sleep with you and mom?
me: aw bud, it’s okay. You won’t be alone in your room. There’s plenty of ghosts in there to keep you company.
9: MOM!
most of being a woman is just removing exclamation points from emails before you send them
how are we gonna sell our car this year? how about a commercial where the car is driving around on roads. great work everyone time for lunch
“You killed a dude
I hate your attitude
That’s why you’re going to jail,
Without bail
25 to life
Bubba is your new wife.”-Poetic Justice
My husband better stop watching me back the car out of the driveway or I’ll hit the mailbox on purpose this time.
*puts nose where it doesn’t belong
*is caught with hand in cookie jar
*loses head
*makes elbow macaroni
*gets fired by funeral home
