Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I still see some of my ex-girlfriends. Well, not so much see, more like…watch.

ex-girlfriend: why are you here? don’t you have any other place to be?
me pretty sure I left my day planner in her apartment: that’s what I wanna know

Boomers: People are too sensitive and need to toughen up

Millennials: People need to care more and help each other out

Gen X: Die Hard is a Christmas movie

I’ll scaramouche, but I don’t do the Fandango for every little silhouetto of a man.

Congratulating #CrowdStrike for reaching its carbon neutrality targets six years early through its disruption of global air traffic today!

I don’t want to do exercise, but I want to have done exercise.

If Pokémon has taught me anything it’s that most of life’s problems can be solved by owning a rat that can electrocute people

Just heard about a magician in 1990 who tried burying himself alive under six feet of dirt and wet concrete and was completely astonished when he ended up burying himself alive under six feet of dirt and wet concrete.

Remember, your toilet is just afraid of you as you are of it.

I’m receiving intel from Irish Twitter ™️ that there are Americans saying they don’t put butter on sandwiches. What are you putting on regular ass ham sandwiches?! If I hear mayonnaise I’m notifying Homeland Security I swear to Christ.

We’re going to have 27 people over for Thanksgiving this year. I’m going to earn a little extra money by setting up a paywall on my Wi-Fi.

I followed this woman on a bike with an empty baby seat for a half a mile yelling, “your baby jumped out!” before she gave me the finger.

In another blow to Hollywood during the pandemic, movie producers and actors in their late 60s warned to stay away from their 20 something girlfriends

[first day as a waiter]

me: do you have any questions

customer: *pointing at menu* how is this prepared

me: we laminate sheets of paper listing the food choices

Sing like no one is listening.
Dance like you need to be shot with a tranquilizer dart.

We have an enclosed back yard with only a narrow opening near the driveway and a duck was going back and forth at the back looking at the fences like he didn’t know how to get out so I shouted down “Dude, you can FLY!”

My mother had eight kids and she’d buy a box of six Pop Tarts. Don’t tell me about your childhood problems.

“No thanks, I filled up on breadsticks.” – Eve to the Serpent in the Olive Garden of Eden

I am absolutely never leaving this website

(before ceiling fans were invented)

*People getting their legs cut off by floor fans*

Narrator: There has to be a better way…

Every time I see a dude in a trench coat i assume he’s going to flash me. When it doesn’t happen, I assume he’s just a spy

What is worse than your GF sending you a text to ” Break Up ” ?
Another text saying ” Sorry, that wasn’t for you ! ”
😂😂😂

The most valuable thing I have taught my kid is to answer the door for me and immediately tell the person that mommy is busy while I’m hiding around the corner.

Remembered my dad suddenly. I had an argument with him – said he saw a Dodo Bird once in the 1970s. I told him that was impossible. He said he saw the fucking thing. Our family thought we were arguing about politics or something. Nope. Dodo Bird. Anyway I believe him now.

Grey Goose and Red Bull, because two sets of wings is better than one.

Magician: For my next trick—
Me: BRING BACK THE BUNNY, YOU MONSTER

I almost hit a deer tonight. But then he took back what he said about my mom and we hugged it out.

Back to having zero haters, feels good.

I had a terrible dream that monsters came out from under the bed at night and ate up all the pecan pie. I woke up screaming MY PIE