Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When my boss asked me who is the stupid one, me or him?

I told him everyone knows he doesn’t hire stupid people……

I try

Neighbour: I see your wife took the garbage out last night

Me: It’s called date night and we had a nice time

Why are you charging me $3.99 to watch a movie from 2006? I feel like I’m doing you the favor.

Once I surprised my husband with a murder mystery weekend, and not to brag, but it only took him an hour to get drunk and accuse everyone at our table of being the murderer.

Raised by wolves. Sent to college by wolves. Moves back home with wolves. Learns to ignore wolf-mom’s worried glances.

My boss was bemoaning the fact that he couldn’t seem to quit smoking.

I said, “Are you’re addicted?”

He said, “Yeah, obviously.”

I said, “Do other people know you’re addicted?”

“Probably everyone knows.”

My coworkers were all struggling not to laugh, because his name is Ted.

every single person who owns two cats has one beautiful idiot and one terrifying demon plotting a coup

[job interview]
“So what would you say is your biggest weakness?”
“I’m pretty bad at reading situations.” *tries to kiss interviewer*

Who called it a Spanish teacher instead of an instruction Manuel?

Biden: What if we paint the Mexican flag in the office
Obama: Joe, no
Biden: I already ordered the paint
Obama: Joe

The way my phone’s facial recognition pretends not to recognize me, you’d think I dated it.

tried to lock my phone and ended up taking a screenshot to commemorate my failure

The state parks in NJ are opening today, but the bathrooms will be closed. I’m still staying home, too much anxiety worrying about where to go if I gotta take a shit.

Buying houses is mental

Buy a car or a bag of chips, the price is defined

Buy a house, you have to guess how much the owner wants

Not allowed to speak to the owner

Instead you have to go via a 19 year old, in a Mini, who doesn’t live there and wants you to pay over the odds

My kid told me my handwriting looked sarcastic, then corrected himself and said cursive, but he was closer the first time.

A friend lectured me about going to see Star Wars alone, because “that’s weird.” As if chastising a grown man in a cloak is some normal shit

doctor: [pulling out anal beads]
me: this is embarrassing
doctor: sorry I should have done it before you arrived

There was a sense of accomplishment finishing the daily newspaper. I literally have no idea when I’m supposed to stop reading the internet.

How’d you come up with the idea?
Inventor of pac man: I took a bunch of pills one night and ate a ghost. I thought “now here’s something”

Some people rescued a great white shark that washed up on a beach, just like sharks would do for us if we were carried out into the ocean.

doctor it hurts when i do this *checks bank account*

[McDonald’s]
CUSTOMER: small coke please
WORKER: for the same price you can get every single thing in the world
CUSTOMER: oh
WORKER: so do you want that
CUSTOMER: yes
WORKER: what else

Ever noticed how you used to be embarrassed by things you did or that happen to you, but now your first thought is “I can tweet that”

A meth lab sounds like a terrible dog.

me waiting on an email: what the hell is taking so long, this is ridiculous

me, sending an email: this can probably wait another three weeks or so

Husband: Why is your Facebook relationship status “it’s complicated”?

Me: …

therapy: $500

tattoo: $500 but cooler

This group of patrons’ success at finding the single most acoustically resonant spot in the library to have their loud profanity-laced conversation is a feat of such scientific precision that I’m frankly hesitant to shut it down