Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Was pretty pleased my 6th grader took a break from hiding in his room gaming w/friends to bike 6 blocks to the library and meet friends.

“So what did you do there?!” I asked eagerly.

“There’s 3 computers in a row so we can all play at once.”

At least he biked 12 blocks?

Oh, you’re a fan of The Chainsmokers?

Name 3 chains they’ve smoked

Renting a billboard with the word MOIST in giant letters seems like a fantastic way to piss off a lot of people quickly.

My twins’ pre school taught them both how to sing Baby Shark in French so I’m just checking do I sue for double the amount or…

Recreational running is the muggle equivalent of drinking unicorn blood. Sure, you’ll probably live longer, but at a terrible price.

the only thing i remember from my time in school is the teacher explaining to my 8yo self, the difference between desert and dessert. “you always want two desserts and that’s why there are two s’s”

The local diner is now selling rolls of toilet paper displayed in the glass case alongside their pie, which is really confusing.
Unless you’ve ever eaten their pie.

I got a spam email telling me my online reputation needs some work. And, now I want to know which one of you has been running your mouth.

The cool side of the pillow just offered me drugs.

Yoda: Clouded, your future is.

Anakin: Are you smoking pot again?

Yoda: Six cheeseburgers, I want.

Oh! He barehanded that ball. Can you believe the athleticism?
– Baseball commentator

Pfft. Amateur.
– Every parent who’s caught their kid’s barf in their hand

Ordering surgeries off the secret menu at the doctor’s office.

After the hipster got his girl pregnant, he wouldn’t shut up about how he was into her before she got big.

I stopped swearing, because kids. Then I started swearing, because kids.

A friend of ours directed a horror movie that’s doing very well, but when he tried to get certain actors to be in it, they refused.

Now he’s sending them emails with the box office receipts and streaming numbers, with the message “Remember when you wouldn’t be in my movie?” 🎃

If you need a smile today, here’s a wonderful outtake with Robin Williams and Elmo 😂❤️

https://video.twimg.com/ext_tw_video/1537829362367602695/pu/vid/1280x720/rsjPsUBlOpJ0iavS.mp4?tag=12

“I’ll sleep when I’m dead” – me, before having kids

“I will murder someone for a nap”- me now

Oh thank god, you wouldn’t want your kid to ruin family booze night

Squirrels before girls.

Most guys that think they know everything about women usually lack one thing…. A woman.

i got 99 problems and being upside down ain’t one

ok wait i got 66 problems

Reverse cowgirl, so I can eat my ice cream without sharing.

Please don’t tell me about your childhood problems, this was my moms cars air conditioning growing up

Wait. They gave out a Pulitzer Prize for criticism, and my mother didn’t win it?

2020 is the worst Choose Your Own Adventure book ever

Shake what your mama gave you.
*turkey soup from a cool whip container just flies everywhere

I always carry a knife because cake, and murder.

Yelling at a dog to stop barking doesn’t work. The dog probably just thinks,

“Awesome, now we’re both barking.”

cause of death:
autopsy.