the neighborhood teens have left so many burning bags of garbage on my lawn that everyone thinks that this is the place you burn garbage now
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When I was 8, I was so inspired by Barney Miller that I went door to door in a trenchcoat handing out JJ Piggs, Kid Detective, business cards I made out of scrap paper.
I must have written down the wrong number though because no one ever called me.
Read the tweet above this one and then the tweet below it. People paid FORTY-FIVE DOLLARS PER SHARE FOR THIS.
BECAUSE IT’S A PERVERT
-Ho ho ho, what do you want for Christmas?
-I want a Kylo Ren lightsaber, a Thor hammer, a Star Trek phaser, a—
-I was asking the boy, sir.
Them: Hey aren’t you that guy that keeps inventing useless things?
Me: Not anymore! Allow me to introduce to you-
Them: Oh Jesus
Me: -the portable hat!
I don’t trust people with glasses, they could be superman
Body: ok sleepy time.
Brain: ok thinky time.
Evening News is where they begin with ‘Good Evening’ and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.
Me as a therapist: omg same
“What’s the worst that can happen?”
Buddy I’ve got anxiety, I’ll make you a list
I’m the guy who paints the murals of Venice and other Italian cities on the wall of every pizzeria in the tristate area and I know grapes aren’t that big man I just love grapes ok
My kid to his cousin: will you eat my dinner if I give you 10 bucks?
His cousin: yeah sure
My kid to his uncle: can you spare 10 bucks if it makes auntie happy?
I’ve reached the part of my summer where I’m excited that I’ll soon be able to stop checking my kids’s heads for ticks and go back to just checking for lice
Was listening to Linkin Park and a student said “I didn’t know you liked oldies!”
wife: you can’t give the dog a piña colada
me: why? he’s not driving
her: this is the worst date EVER
me: ugh. i told you not to eat the pit
[writers’ room for Silent Night]
MIKE: ok so the next line is about describing baby jesus. how would we describe a baby?
JIM [known cannibal]: so tender and mild
MIKE:…….jesus christ jim
“Sushi” is Japanese for “take a picture of this, white girls.”
Fun fact: If Celine Dion sang only the vowels in her name, it would be the lyrics to Old McDonalds Farm.
Me: *playing Russian roulette* you first
Him: this is an automatic
Me: my house my rules
The next time you hear a celebrity saying, “we’ll get through this together,” send them your electric bill with a thank you note.
godspeed to the man who just told his girlfriend “there’s no need to get so emotional” in the baby clothes section of the supermarket
“You’re not like the other girls.”
“Yeah, that’s pretty much how this works. We’re literally all different ones.”
my kids’ favourite game was MAMA CLOSE YOUR EYES AND OPEN YOUR MOUF! so no, I’m not worried about the vaccine
My parents told me I could be anything I wanted so I became unacceptable
Describing dead people as late feels unfair. Rigor mortis makes it difficult to be on time.
only eating apples so worms can better understand the housing crisis
I can’t believe I shaved my toes for this
I am good with a paring knife. I like the weight of it in my hand. Sorry, go on, finish your story.
cashier: ORDER FOR GRANT
me: oh cool
cashier: 25 TACOS READY FOR GRANT
me: ok here I am
cashier: 25 TACOS TO BE EATEN SHAMEFULLY IN THE DARK READY FOR GRANT
me: hey, I’m right here
cashier: 25 TACOS REPRESENTING FEELINGS OF INADEQUACY READY FOR