the neighborhood teens have left so many burning bags of garbage on my lawn that everyone thinks that this is the place you burn garbage now
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If you get into a fight with a polar bear, boost your chances of success by requesting a postponement until 2065. There’s a good chance polar bears will be extinct by then so you’ll win by default for just turning up
If you turn your head back and forth really fast you can see your ears.
Never bring a knife to a gunfight. Bring one of those long grabber sticks so you can take the other guy’s gun away.
Padmé: Dating is scaring. I just want to find a nice guy who’s not going to murder me.
Anakin: You’ve chosen wisely.
I’m a low maintenance girlfriend. Just bring me a bouquet of cats.
BOSS: Welcome aboard! This is the time clock—
ME: All clocks are ‘time’ clocks, you simpleton.
“I’ve got toes in different area codes.”
– Ludacris steps on a land mine
After buying my limousine, I couldn’t afford a driver.
All that money and nothing to chauffer it.
Friday the 13th used to mean something. Now every day is awful.
1st week of school: sandwich cut in a cute shape, sliced fruit, encouraging note.
Last week of school: handful of croutons wrapped in foil.
me: i wish for good health, to be rich, and finally….for your freedom
therapist: once again i am not a genie but you being here is starting to make more sense
He kept asking to see “more” of me but for some reason my colonoscopy results were “too much”
Foh
7: mama, I will eat everything you pack in my lunch
me: that’s wonderful
7: except the things I don’t like
me: there it is.
Bear Grylls: *waits impatiently for NASA’s call*
wife: Did you help him with his math homework?
me: No
wife*shows me his paper where he answered every question with “This is stupid”*
me:Yes
Ok, so there’s “senior’s parking,” and “expectant mothers parking” at the grocery store.
Where is the parking for “Undermedicated, on a short fuse and probably shouldn’t be out in public?”
Apple will start making Macs in America. In related news, Macs will now cost 3 billion dollars. #SOTU
Construction sites are so shy. Let me see
Hey, guy in Prius blasting heavy metal – decide which type of annoying person you want to be.
Food trucks but instead of food it’s therapy and they’re called automofeels
ME: *taking a massive hit of universal healthcare*
DAD: *pounding on the door* what are you kids doing in there?
ME:
DAD: Are you doing socialism in there? Open this door right now
“I like green peppers, but they don’t like me anymore haha.”
They never liked you. They don’t have feelings because they’re food, Barbara.
[blind date]
(don’t let her know ur a dog walker)
“So what do u do?”
Well, I’m like a-
[13 dogs jump up on the table and eat her dinner]
I’m in a long distance relationship. My girlfriend’s in the future.
No thank you free mattress on the side of the road, I prefer to get my crabs the old fashioned way, by sleeping with complete strangers.
My kids can be so quiet, comatose almost. Until I am on a phone call.
Once it’s in the oven I don’t really care why the chicken crossed the road.
Threw my garbage in the dumpster noticed I didn’t have my wallet. After looking everywhere, I fished out the garbage bag with an ice scraper. Found my wallet in the garbage but my keys fell in. After considerable more effort I have my keys. And I’ve only been outside 20 mins!
PIGEON KID: I need to go bad
PIGEON MOM: Try to hold it until we find a statue
